Scrubs - Dr. Cox Quote #105
J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.
Quote from Nurse Roberts
J.D.: Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?
Nurse Roberts: The tall skinny one? He quit.
Carla: Nice job, Bambi.
J.D.: I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't.
Nurse Roberts: You don't have to apologize to me. You will have to answer to Jesus.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.
Josh: I can't.
J.D.: Newbie, wait.
J.D.: Shut up. Look, Josh, you're the only one who knows whether you wanna be a doctor or not. But right now I kinda got my hands full. OK? So what do you say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here? Now, locate the radial pulse. Josh, look at me. You can do this.
Carla: It looks good.
Josh: No way.
J.D.: What do you want, a cookie? Go put your scrubs on and get back here. Go, go, go!
Quote from J.D.
Josh: Dr. Dorian, I know what you're trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: Look at me, I'm clumsy, I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!
J.D.: But Josh, those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass. It's firm like mutton.
Quote from My Life in Four Cameras
J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax. I've been involved in every ridiculous TV-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you actually fornicate with the animal it's named for. And as a parting gift, I will tell you this. Narrow it down to two symptoms: vomiting and diarrhea, because it's just not E. coli unless it's firing out both exits.
J.D.: Sure hope I don't have dog flu.
Quote from My Big Mouth
Dr. Cox: You're gonna love this one. Twenty-five-year-old woman, dancer, actually. Well, not anymore. I'm afraid we had to take both of her legs. Bilateral gangrene. And seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancers' union probably is not going to cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made her up! Come on, now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you. And then I'll be forced to jump off the roof, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
Quote from My First Day
Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.