Elliot: Cookies are done. I baked a dozen for you and a dozen for me. Now I like to eat one and a half cookies every day, so that a dozen cookies last eight days. Well, ten days because I don't eat sugar on Wednesdays, and on Sundays I call my mom and she asks what's wrong with my phone because I sound fat. Anyway, I'm gonna go change. I brought my cookie pants.

Dr. Cox: Say, I heard you and Barbie were back together again. How's that going?
J.D.: [v.o.] He doesn't care. Don't answer.
Dr. Cox: Is there less drama this time?
J.D.: [v.o.] Hold firm.
Dr. Cox: Does it feel different?
J.D.: [v.o.] Give him nothing.
Dr. Cox: Look at you, not getting sucked in. Maybe you are a little bit older and a little bit wiser, enough for this whole thing to work out with Barbie this time.
J.D.: I really think I am.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. How do you not get that I will never, ever care about your pasty white love life? I only brought it up because I noticed that Barbie wasn't here at work today, and I was hoping that your relationship with her had already gone so far south that you'd killed her and buried her deep in a wooded area and that soon you would be carted off for the aforementioned crime of pasty white passion.

Elliot: [on the phone] Carla, why won't you pick up? I need to talk! I cannot believe that you leave the country the week I get back together with J.D. I feel like that's not a coincidence. Wait. I did not mean that. I know that your aunt did not fall out of that balloon on purpose. Anyway, I promised J.D. this crazy sex night, and now I'm totally losing it. I've been trying on lingerie, but nothing fits, because I ate an entire batch of cookie dough with a spatula. Plus, at my last appointment I got in a fight with my waxer, and now there is a rash on my bajingo that looks like a thousand tiny spider bites. Damn it, Carla! I need tonight to be special, and you're not there for me. And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that- That you've always come through and that sometimes I'm selfish, but even if that's true, I don't need to hear your attitude right now, because I am sick of it. Do you hear me? Sick of it! I love you. Call me.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, why are you hating this morning? I just came up here because I heard the board offered you the Chief of Medicine.
Dr. Cox: They did. It's a great opportunity.
Dr. Kelso: It certainly is. The minute I took that job, everything got bigger. My office, my staff, my secretary's hooters. They were a Christmas bonus... for both of us. Still, I took the job to improve patient care, but you spend most of your time dealing with bureaucratic garbage. And what with the budget meetings and addressing staff and patient complaints, you barely have time for a life. And what is your reward? Everybody in the hospital hates you. Yay! Anyway, Chief, congrats again.

J.D.: Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town, must be nice to have the place to yourself for once, huh?
Turk: Dude, I can't answer that. How many people here are spies and are ordered to report everything I say back to Carla?
[All the nurses raise their hands]
J.D.: I should go.
Turk: I love my wife, and I wanna be by her side at all times! All times! You heard that, Rochelle?

Janitor: Ha ha. Reminds me of what my grandpa taught me when I was a boy. He said, "Janitor, every time an angry woman storms out, another angry woman storms in."
J.D.: What?
Jordan: Get out of my way.
Janitor: Hmm. That one's for you, Pop-Pop. He's not dead. He's upstairs... dying.

Jordan: Excuse me. Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-ass little tattletale.
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man parts until your eyes pop out.
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago, I would thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!

J.D.: Why did you put my piano mat here?
Elliot: I was here all by myself, and I got a little freaked out. So I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays the Scrubs theme tune]
J.D.: That's catchy.

J.D.: [v.o.] There's nothing worse than running into a sworn enemy first thing in the morning.
Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Well, if that's the case, Fred, just put him on blood thinners.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, Perry. You don't have a phone. You're just holding your hand to your ear.
Dr. Cox: Fred, I gotta go. He's gonna make me talk to him. Sure, I'll- I'll pass it on. ["hangs up"] Fred says you are a tool.
Dr. Kelso: I got nothing. That's a good one.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.

Turk: Okay, as you can see, we've repaired the perforation. Now all that's left to do is sew up the surrounding muscle tissue. Are there any questions?
Janitor: I don't think you're doing this right.
Turk: Get outta here.
Janitor: All right. Let me just touch his heart.
Turk: Hey!