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40Quotes from ‘My Cookie Pants’

Scrubs: My Cookie Pants

806. My Cookie Pants

Aired January 27, 2009

Dr. Kelso gives Dr. Cox some advice when he's considered for the role of Chief of Medicine. J.D. tries to get Denise to empathize more with patients. Meanwhile, Elliot wants to make things special when she and J.D. finally have sex again.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Cookies are done. I baked a dozen for you and a dozen for me. Now I like to eat one and a half cookies every day, so that a dozen cookies last eight days. Well, ten days because I don't eat sugar on Wednesdays, and on Sundays I call my mom and she asks what's wrong with my phone because I sound fat. Anyway, I'm gonna go change. I brought my cookie pants.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Say, I heard you and Barbie were back together again. How's that going?
J.D.: [v.o.] He doesn't care. Don't answer.
Dr. Cox: Is there less drama this time?
J.D.: [v.o.] Hold firm.
Dr. Cox: Does it feel different?
J.D.: [v.o.] Give him nothing.
Dr. Cox: Look at you, not getting sucked in. Maybe you are a little bit older and a little bit wiser, enough for this whole thing to work out with Barbie this time.
J.D.: I really think I am.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. How do you not get that I will never, ever care about your pasty white love life? I only brought it up because I noticed that Barbie wasn't here at work today, and I was hoping that your relationship with her had already gone so far south that you'd killed her and buried her deep in a wooded area and that soon you would be carted off for the aforementioned crime of pasty white passion.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [on the phone] Carla, why won't you pick up? I need to talk! I cannot believe that you leave the country the week I get back together with J.D. I feel like that's not a coincidence. Wait. I did not mean that. I know that your aunt did not fall out of that balloon on purpose. Anyway, I promised J.D. this crazy sex night, and now I'm totally losing it. I've been trying on lingerie, but nothing fits, because I ate an entire batch of cookie dough with a spatula. Plus, at my last appointment I got in a fight with my waxer, and now there is a rash on my bajingo that looks like a thousand tiny spider bites. Damn it, Carla! I need tonight to be special, and you're not there for me. And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that- That you've always come through and that sometimes I'm selfish, but even if that's true, I don't need to hear your attitude right now, because I am sick of it. Do you hear me? Sick of it! I love you. Call me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Perry, why are you hating this morning? I just came up here because I heard the board offered you the Chief of Medicine.
Dr. Cox: They did. It's a great opportunity.
Dr. Kelso: It certainly is. The minute I took that job, everything got bigger. My office, my staff, my secretary's hooters. They were a Christmas bonus... for both of us. Still, I took the job to improve patient care, but you spend most of your time dealing with bureaucratic garbage. And what with the budget meetings and addressing staff and patient complaints, you barely have time for a life. And what is your reward? Everybody in the hospital hates you. Yay! Anyway, Chief, congrats again.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Hey, with Carla and Izzy out of town, must be nice to have the place to yourself for once, huh?
Turk: Dude, I can't answer that. How many people here are spies and are ordered to report everything I say back to Carla?
[All the nurses raise their hands]
J.D.: I should go.
Turk: I love my wife, and I wanna be by her side at all times! All times! You heard that, Rochelle?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Ha ha. Reminds me of what my grandpa taught me when I was a boy. He said, "Janitor, every time an angry woman storms out, another angry woman storms in."
J.D.: What?
Jordan: Get out of my way.
Janitor: Hmm. That one's for you, Pop-Pop. He's not dead. He's upstairs... dying.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Excuse me. Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
Dr. Kelso: What are you doing?
Jordan: I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
Dr. Kelso: That pansy-ass little tattletale.
Jordan: Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man parts until your eyes pop out.
Dr. Kelso: Twenty years ago, I would thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
Jordan: And I would have loved it!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Why did you put my piano mat here?
Elliot: I was here all by myself, and I got a little freaked out. So I thought I'd use that as a burglar alarm.
[J.D. plays the Scrubs theme tune]
J.D.: That's catchy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] There's nothing worse than running into a sworn enemy first thing in the morning.
Dr. Cox: [on the phone] Well, if that's the case, Fred, just put him on blood thinners.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, Perry. You don't have a phone. You're just holding your hand to your ear.
Dr. Cox: Fred, I gotta go. He's gonna make me talk to him. Sure, I'll- I'll pass it on. ["hangs up"] Fred says you are a tool.
Dr. Kelso: I got nothing. That's a good one.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.

Quote from Janitor

Turk: Okay, as you can see, we've repaired the perforation. Now all that's left to do is sew up the surrounding muscle tissue. Are there any questions?
Janitor: I don't think you're doing this right.
Turk: Get outta here.
Janitor: All right. Let me just touch his heart.
Turk: Hey!

Quote from J.D.

Denise: Did you know that guy was a priest?
J.D.: I did. Uh, I'll see you tomorrow. If you're not here, I'll just assume that demons dragged you down to hell to chew your face off.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I finished my dozen.
Elliot: Why would you eat all of your cookies at once? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen to them?
[fantasy: As J.D. and Elliot prepare to eat their first cookie, a smoke bomb is thrown through the window. They both pass out. Turk runs in wearing a gas mask.]
Turk: Come to daddy. Still pretty smoky. [removes mask, eats cookie] Worth it. [passes out]
[reality:]
Elliot: So he'd kill us?
J.D.: I told Turk you were making cookies. Plus he has a key to my place, and Carla's out of town. Elliot, with his diabetes, it's the only time he gets to eat sweets.

Quote from Denise

J.D.: [v.o.] Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite patients, was back. Unfortunately, Jo was his intern.
J.D.: Hi. How's it going over here?
Mr. Lawton: Well, young Dr. Mahoney was just observing that my heart disease was, uh, uh... What was that, sweetheart?
Denise: A giant buzzkill.
J.D.: Jo.
Denise: What? I was on cloud nine this morning. Had a good night's sleep, hot shower, big ol' pancake breakfast. Then bang, chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.
J.D.: Well, I-I'm sure Mr. Lawton feels horrible that his condition annoyed you.
Denise: I doubt it.
J.D.: She doubts it.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: That was just the board. They're offering me the Chief of Medicine job.
Jordan: Shut up! Do you know what this means? That when I ask our nanny how she manages to raise her own kid without a nanny, I can hire a second nanny to listen to her boring answer. Perry, look at yourself. You don't get in your own way anymore. Sweetie, I am so, so proud of you.
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
Jordan: I'm feeling so open and vulnerable that it's literally filling me up with rage and hatred, so I should go.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, when did you become homeless?
Elliot: Uh, these are just my cookie pants.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, these are my muffin slacks. Bam! I've been rocking these bad boys since the day I retired.

Quote from Denise

Denise: Look, I know I'm horrible with patients, but I make one lucky call with Mr. Lawton's endoscopy, and now you're not gonna push me anymore to be better?
J.D.: Okay, you're not the mayor of Crazy Town, you're the emperor.
Denise: At least when you gave me crap, I knew you were trying to help, but now you're just giving up on me?
J.D.: What do you care? You don't even listen to me.
Denise: What? I've been busting my ass trying to be more caring with the patients. Remember when Mr.
Lawton was uncomfortable?
[flashback to Denise giving Mr. Lawton another a pillow]
J.D.: That must have been so hard for you.
Denise: Yeah, I'm still mad thinking about it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: What's with the yarn?
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna use it later. Oh, by the way, Jordan thinks I'm hot.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, she mentioned that before. It's disturbing.
Dr. Kelso: Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
Dr. Cox: You said it was a bureaucratic nightmare, and I don't want to be miserable.
Dr. Kelso: You love being miserable.
Dr. Cox: I don't want everyone to hate me.
Dr. Kelso: Everybody already hates you. You wanna know the real reason why you don't want the gig, champ? Because you're a fraidy-cat.
Dr. Cox: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Didn't you hear me? Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
Dr. Cox: Don't push me, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. I'm sorry. Would it make you feel any better to bat this around for a while? [Dr. Cox groans] See, I told you I was gonna use it later.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [to Denise] What makes you think you're so special? Every doctor in this place has flaws they've been dealing with since they were a little kid. Hell, the guy who taught me Is constantly getting in his own way. I'm dating a girl who's always fighting her own neurosis. And you saw my biggest flaw in action today. I was willing to let a patient I liked Go without an endoscopy Because I wanted to spare him a painful procedure.
Sometimes I care a little too much.
Denise: Yeah, but that caring thing has a major upside.
J.D.: And so does your cold bitchy thing. It'll protect you from letting all this stuff weigh you down. Remember last Monday? We spent that night watching a young father die of lung cancer. Do you remember his name?
Denise: No, um, not even a little bit.
J.D.: Jack Fremont. Sometimes I still think about him, and that is not a good thing.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: So this is what fear feels like, huh? It's kinda like being really drunk, only In a very sad way. You're just loving watching me fall apart like this, huh?
Dr. Kelso: More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't, I will always remind you that you are a sac-less little fraidy-cat.
Dr. Cox: Why in the hell did you try to talk me out of it?
Dr. Kelso: I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would have tortured me forever.
Dr. Cox: So you really think I'm the man for the job?
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell do you think recommended you?
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
Dr. Kelso: You're welcome.


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