Elliot: He doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of board today at the meeting, J.D. thought maybe-
Jordan: J.D. thought? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh, J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God. I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: [scoffs] A little.
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about. Sex is for making babies and revenge.

Carla: Well?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. Would you please repeat the question?
Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
Jordan: That's weird. I asked him the same thing last night.
Carla: Where's the outrage, the anger, the hate?
Jordan: Again, last night.
Carla: You've gone soft.
Jordan: [gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.

Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self-respect, but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks. I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you. [laughs]
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, what with your testicles in my trophy case.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.
Jordan: See ya.

Jordan: Good job, D.J.
J.D.: You know, it's J.D., okay? And at least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
Jordan: Well, I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful. Yeah.
J.D.: Camp Meadow Wood. I made a lanyard.

Dr. Cox: I've only actually met the child once, so I think it's pretty important that we figure out a way to spend some alone-time with him.
Jordan: Perry, if I'm gonna be spending a lot of time with someone else's child, it's gonna be with our neighbor's 17-year-old. And don't think he hasn't asked. Oh, Pablo. Hmm.

J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it. And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone.
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself there, Newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend. He knows. He and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her. Perhaps you're afraid of something. Huh. And, Bob, when are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for was filled months ago? It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your "colleague" Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna do it for you, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah. And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protege here.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, please, God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him, and it was good. Oh, how's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yup. One big happy family.

J.D.: [v.o.] Since Jordan had pre-natal surgery, she'd been on bed rest. Dr. Cox, however, was not.
Dr. Cox: Okay, I made your breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jordan: I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo something-sen, I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie, and a Polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "Slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear. And don't forget to be home by 6:30, because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make me dinner!
Dr. Cox: But when will I have time to kill myself?
Jordan: That's not my problem!

Dr. Cox: Don't look her in the eyes, Newbie. She'll steal your soul. So, how are things down in the underworld?
Jordan: Good. And you? Still have a rollicking social life?
Dr. Cox: Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.
Jordan: In the next five seconds, name some place, other than the hospital and your apartment, you've been in the last month. Five, four, three, two...
Dr. Cox: My car! On the way to the big party.
Jordan: Ooh, that must have hurt.

Jordan: Hey, honey, I'm home. You know, you should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.
Dr. Cox: There's horrible people right in here.
Jordan: Maybe you forgot how this works. See, when I say that "Hi, honey" thing, you take your pants off. You see, them's the rules of the booty call.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, believe me, I enjoy our meaningless post-divorce sex as much as the next guy you marry will, but your timing could not be worse.
Jordan: Oh, maybe you don't remember the terms of our settlement. When Jordan needs sex, Jordan gets sex.
Dr. Cox: Listen, sweet cheeks, I am seeing someone who...
Jordan: Let me guess! Dark hair, domineering, doesn't take any of your crap? You see, a lesser person would mock your inability to move on. I'm gonna consider it an homage.

Turk: Excuse me, ma'am. Jordan! Carla has something she'd like to tell you. Carla.
Carla: I didn't mean to upset you, even though everything I said was true and you know it.
Turk: Baby, that is a God-awful apology. That is just God-awful.
Jordan: It's because she's not really sorry. Honey, I know your type. It is so easy to see other people's problems from way up there on your pedestal. But you better be careful up there, because if you fall off and have to walk around down here with the rest of us, I don't know, you might catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, the surface of a pond, or your boyfriend's gigantic, shiny head, and trust me, you're not gonna like what you see.