J.D.: Elliot, can I get your advice on something my burn patient really wants to go to his high school graduation this weekend.
Elliot: Why? Mine was awful. I was the valedictorian, but instead of bringing my speech, I grabbed my mom's love letter to her pool boy. Well, I was so nervous, I ended up reading that one anyways. Apparently, I spoke a lot about "my fondness for throbbing members". Still, my closing words to my graduating class were actually kind of appropriate. Something about wanting to make sure I chased all of my dreams, before I was all old and dried up down there.

Elliot: So you guys doing something special for your anniversary night?
Turk: You know what would be great?
Carla: Here we go.
Turk: Brinner.
Elliot: What-er?
Carla: Breakfast for dinner. He's obsessed with it.
Turk: I just don't see what's wrong with having a nice glass of wine with a pancake.

Elliot: Look, you already put yourself out there, let's just follow through. I checked his infection, it's not that bad. We just need an ambulance and some other volunteers, we can still pull this off. Janitor, will you help?
Janitor: Uh, no, I can't. Now that I've cured Lady of her fear of the unknown, I'm working on her irrational fear of losing loved ones. I arranged for a couple of friends of mine to kidnap her parents.

Carla: Turk, I totally ruined Izzy's life.
Turk: Already? It's only 8:30.
Carla: I totally forgot there was a parent's meeting for her play group this morning. Now she's gonna get kicked out. She won't have any friends. She's gonna drop out of high school. She's gonna start dating some gangbanger, who you're gonna harass over and over and over again to get his life together, until he snaps and shoots you in the face. Oh my God!
Turk: Whoa! You're bringin' the crazy extra hard today, huh? Take a deep breath. You're the most amazing mom I've ever seen. One tiny mistake can't ruin something that good.
Carla: That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Turk: It is?
Carla: This is gonna come back to you in a good way.

Turk: Hey, thanks for watching Izzy for us tonight. Here's a list of things that I like to do for her that Carla doesn't know about. For example, I'm not allowed to bother Izzy at night. But if she starts to cry, you crawl in her crib and sleep next to her.
Elliot: Yeah, I'm gonna be doing that even if she's not crying.
Turk: Okay, here's the other thing. Carla doesn't want her to have any juice. But if you let her sip from a juice box, she gets really, really happy and start squeaking like R2-D2.
Elliot: Sugar juice equals happy squeaking. Got it. I love how Carla's rigid parenting rules don't apply to us.
Turk: I know!

Turk: Come on, baby. I got the fever for some french toasty toast!
Carla: Turk, please! I'm on the phone.
Turk: French toast!
Carla: [Spanish: "Oh my God, he's obsessed with this brinner idea. The truth is, I'd cook breakfast for dinner if he'd clean up the apartment for once."]
[As Carla continues her Spanish phone call, Turk rushes around the apartment and tidies up.]
Turk: Whatever you're making for dinner tonight, honey, is fine with me.

Dr. Cox: I've got an overweight patient back there who has already had his stomach stapled, and is now taking diet medication that gives you painful diarrhea whenever you eat more than 15 grams of fat at one sitting. Anyone want to guess what he's in the hospital for? I'll give you a hint. It is very painful, and it rhymes with shmiorrhea. You know what, here's an idea. Patient should just pay me to take food right out of their hands, before they even have a chance to cram it down those disgusting donut mashers they call mouths. I mean, honestly-

Dr. Kelso: God, Perry, how many times do I have to say it? We're tired of your speeches. If you can't stop, I'll have to hire an orchestra to play that awards show music they use to hustle long-winded Hollywood fruitcakes off the stage.
Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of-
Dr. Kelso: [hums]

Janitor: Hey! I've been eavesdropping. I got Lady a real gift for our 1-month anniversary. I cured her fear of the unknown.
Dr. Kelso: Women are like crows. They like shiny things. Classy stuff they can wear in their ears, around their necks, through their nipples.
Janitor: Crows have nipples?

J.D.: Don't listen to them C-bear, it's an amazing gift. Plus, you know how everyone's rude to those day laborers across the street? Now we can finally talk to them.
[fantasy: J.D. and Turk talk to a group of Latino men:]
Man: [Spanish: "Do you have work?"]
Turk: [Spanish: "No, we just wanted to say 'hi'. How are you guys doing?"]
Paulo: [Spanish: "Congratulations, my brothers. You have treated us with basic human compassion and will now be rewarded with a trip to the magical paradise known has Amigoville."]
[J.D., Turk and Paulo are transported to a park]
Turk: [Spanish: "Your magical paradise is a park?"]
Paulo: [Spanish: "Our people loves the picnics."]
J.D.: Turk, look at the size of this churro! And over there, there's a lake filled entirely with guacamole.
Paulo: [Spanish: "Would you like a massage from one of those beautiful ladies?"}
Turk: [Spanish: "No, I can't. I'm married."]
Paulo: [Spanish: "Not a problem."]
[The women are both transformed into clones of Carla]
Carla: [Spanish: "I'll take the front."]
Carla: [Spanish: "I'll massage your back."]
Turk: [Spanish: "What a beautiful babes!"]
Paulo: [Spanish: "What do you think of this place?"]
J.D.: I'm sorry. I don't speak the Spanish-ita. Is that gonna be a problem?
[J.D. falls from the sky back in front of the day laborers]
J.D.: Do you guys have an idea when the black guy is coming down, because he has the car keys.
Man: Idiot!
[reality:]
J.D.: That place is pinata!