J.D.: The mind is a freaky thing, Elliot. Maybe she does hear singing.
Elliot: Yeah, well, I haven't sung since the 6th grade talent show when I did Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then afterwards Mr. Shemin, the M.C, said "No, actually hell is for everyone who just had to hear you sing that song." My mom was so mad, she slept with him and ruined his marriage.

[song "Welcome to Sacred Heart":]
Dr. Kelso: Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso. I'm delighted that you came. So the doctors say you fainted and you don't know what's to blame. Well, put your mind at ease. There's no ill we can't outsmart. On behalf of all who work here...
All: Welcome to Sacred Heart!
J.D.: Our facilities are excellent, you couldn't ask for more.
Janitor: As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor.
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart.
Dr. Cox: And that's Dr. Kelso, the kiss-ass of Sacred Heart.
Turk: You say you burned your hand real bad, we'll fix you up with gauze
Elliot: Perhaps you need your fat sucked out or want a smaller schnoz
J.D.: Hey!
Dr. Kelso: You've caught a STD from some tasty little tart.
All: We swear we won't judge you here at Sacred Here at Sacred Here at Sacred Heart...
Dr. Kelso: One more thing that I should mention if what I heard is true. And everyone appears to be singing to you. Your case is very serious. And we better start. 'cause if you think we're singing, you belong at Sacred Heart.
All: Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead Guys! Welcome to Sacred Heart!

[song "Everything Comes Down to Poo":]
J.D.: Hey, Mrs. Miller. We just need a stool sample.
Patti: Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut?
J.D. & Turk: 'cause the answer's not in your head, my dear, it's in your butt.
J.D.: You see? Everything comes down to poo. From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe. We can figure out what is wrong with you by looking at your poo. Turk?
Turk: Do you have a hemorrhoid? Or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down You flush away the answer.
J.D.: It doesn't really matter if it's hard of it's loose. We'll figure out what's ailing you. As long as it's a deuce. Yes! Everything comes down to poo.
All: Everything comes down to poo.
J.D.: Cardiovascular, lymphatic, yes the nervous system too. All across the nation, we trust in defecation. Everything comes down to poo.
Turk: If you want to know what's wrong Don't sit and act so cool. Just be a man and eat some bran. And drop the kids off at the pool.
Woman #1: My stomach hurts.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Woman #2: I sprained my ankle.
Turk: Check the poo.
Man: I was shot.
J.D.: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: A homeless guy just threw poo in my eye.
Turk: Check the poo.
Delivery Guy: Mine or his?
J.D.: First him then you. It may sound gross. You may say "shush".
J.D. & Tur But we need to see what comes out of your tush.
All: Because everything comes down to poo. Whether it is a tumor or a touch of the flu.
Turk & J.D.: Please, won't you pinch us all a big fat clue.
Turk: Our number one test is your number two.
All: If there's no breeze, light a match please. Everything comes down to...
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
J.D.: Doo doo.
Turk: Doo doo.
All: Everything comes down to poo!

Dr. Kelso: Excuse me, ex-nurse Turkleton. But if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge.
[song "Gonna Miss You, Carla":]
Ted: So, Carla when will you be back?
Carla: Not for a year.
Ted's band: [gasp] A year?!
Carla: Not for one long, long year.
Ted's band: We understand you love that kid. But this ain't no way to treat us.
Nurse Roberts: And I hesitate to say you did what Judas done to Jesus.
Doug: When you leave us all, we'll be upset.
Janitor: Look out. That floor is very wet.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Ted: Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet?
Dr. Kelso: Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discreet?
Todd: Who'll give me better ways to say "man meat"?
Carla: Pincho chiquito. ["Tiny penis."]
Todd: Thanks. I'm using that.
All: We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through our tears. How we ever going to get along without you for a long, long year?
Turk: My baby made the choice to be at home and not at work. So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand new mama Turk.
Carla: He's right, of course. And yet my heart in spite of this feels torn apart.
All: We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here.
Ted: I need a tissue, Carla.
All: We're saying this through our tears. How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you?
Turk: Lunch!
Carla: It's gonna be a long, long year.

[song "The Rant Song":]
Patti: Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy.
Dr. Cox: Am I still singing?
Patti: Singing like a bird.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, huge news. I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours. Bumper buddies.
Dr. Cox: Still, you're not nearly as bad as her. Do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is: a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don't see why not. It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug. That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex. And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex.
J.D.: Oh, by the way, last time Kim was in town we got some appletinis and poured them on her good parts.
Dr. Cox: See now, Newbie? That's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'cause no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one. No, I'm not the only one.
Janitor: It all started with a penny in the door. There was a hatred I had never felt before. So now I'll make him pay, each and every day. Until that moussed-hair little nuance is no more.
Dr. Cox: So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane and Sue. Like Moesha, Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou. See, regardless of the names I pick, my feelings are quite clear. You're a pain in every day of every month of every year.
Patti: Dr. Cox, you gotta help me 'cause I really am distressed. Can't you find another option, won't you run another test?
Dr. Cox: If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest.
J.D.: I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say-
Patti: Shut your cake-hole, Marybeth. Or I swear to God I'll shut it soon.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon.

[song "When the Truth Comes Out":]
J.D.: I'm sure you must be scared. Not knowing what this test will bring. It could prove that you are crazy. Do you still hear people sing? It's best to know the truth. Of that I have no doubt. But you'll have to face the future. When the truth comes out.
Dr. Cox: We are running a test That's a waste of our time. But at least she'll accept That she's medically fine. She'll admit that she's nuts Or I'll have to say "snore". Just give her the CAT-Scan And show her the door.
J.D.: While we process your results, We'll take you back to wait.
Turk: We've got drugs to calm you down. So you don't stress about your fate.
Turk & J.D.: It's best to know the truth. Of that we have no doubt. But you'll have to face the future.
All: You'll have to face the future when the truth comes out.
Carla: You're gonna miss it, Carla. You're gonna miss it 'round here. Gonna hurt him badly. But you can't stay away for one whole year.
Patti: I know that I'm not crazy.
J.D.: Everything comes down to poo.
Patti: I hope that I'm not crazy.
J.D.: When we move I'm gonna have My own private loo.
Elliot: How am I supposed to tell him That he's not moving too?
Patti: Oh my God.
Elliot: He doesn't have a clue.
Patti: I'm crazy.
Dr. Kelso: If you like to reconsider, I'd be glad to do my part. If you want your job is open, Come on back to Sacred Heart.
[talking:]
Radiologist: Look at the temporal lobe. That could be why she's hearing music.
Dr. Cox: The biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman is a time-bomb.
[song continues:]
All: Sometimes you're better off not knowing. But this isn't one of those times. Your world's become a musical. And your doctors speak in rhymes. It's best to know the truth. Of that we have no doubt. But you'll have to face the future...
Carla: How can I tell him?
Elliot: How can I tell him?
Dr. Cox: How can I tell her?
All: You'll have to face the future when the truth comes out.
Patti: So, Dr. Cox, is it serious? Oh.
All: Oh... When the truth comes out.

[song "Guy Love":]
J.D.: Let's face the facts about me and you A love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you Chocolate Bear, The crowd will always talk and stare.
Turk: I feel exactly those feelings too. And that's why I keep them inside. 'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain. And sometimes is easier to hide...
Both: than explain our Guy Love. That's all it is. Guy Love, he's mine, I'm his. There's nothing gay about it In our eyes.
Turk: You ask me about this thing we share.
J.D.: And he tenderly replies.
Both: It's guy love Between two guys.
Turk: We're closer than the average man & wife.
J.D.: That's why our matching bracelets say "Turk & J.D."
Turk: You know I'll stick by you For the rest of my life.
J.D.: You're the only man Who's ever been inside of me.
Turk: Whoa, whoa. I just took out his appendix.
J.D.: There's no need to clarify.
Turk: Oh no?
J.D.: Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend.
Turk: But in a totally manly way.
Both: Let's go. It's guy love, don't compromise The feeling of some other guy. Holding up your heart Into the sky.
J.D.: I'll be there to care through all the lows.
Turk: I'll be there to share the highs.
Both: It's guy love between two guys.
J.D.: And when I say "I love you, Turk". It's not what it implies.
Both: It's guy love... Between Two Guys.
J.D.: No hands.

Carla: Turk, I wanna come back to work. It's who I am.
Turk: Oh. Well, I always thought that family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans.
[song "For the Last Time, I'm Dominican":]
Carla: I've had it up to here So let me make it very clear. Because I swear I'll never clue you in again. Every time that you profess I come from Puerto Rico.
Turk: Yes?
Carla: For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican.
Turk: Don't make a big to-do, I was simply testing you.
Carla: Then why'd you tell J.D. our baby is "Blaxican"?
Turk: Babe, you know I know the truth.
Carla: Well, I need a little proof, So list all you know about me or no sex again.
Turk: Oh, let's see. Your name is Carla.
Carla: Oh, yes.
Turk: You are Latina.
Carla: Impressive.
Turk: You are a nurse, your mother is dead and... Wait! I got it. Three sisters.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: Two sisters? Well, I'm sure you have a brother who is a huge jerkoff.
Carla: Tell me what's my middle name.
Turk: Okay, I'm tired of this game. Let's forget it. I give up. I guess you win again. But it's not just me who gets mixed up By all this crazy ethnic stuff.
Todd: Sorry, even I know She's Dominican. Booya!
Carla: Did I grow up in Illinois or was it Michigan? How long before we met was I in Medicine? Was our wedding song The Beatles or Led Zepellin? Am I freakin' Puerto Rican or Dominican?
Turk: The thing is guys remember facts Like what Derek Jeter hit last year Which was 303. And that is why Our brains are maxed. And there's no room for things like Birthdays or ethnicities.
Carla: Well, thank you for that glimpse Into the workings of the inner man.
Turk: Let's talk about your job and Not the fact that you're
Carla: Dominican.
Turk: You're not staying home from work?
Carla: Will that make you happy, Turk?
Turk: I'll support you if you choose to earn the Benjamins.
Carla: Then I'll return to work today. Now, are you sure that that's okay?
Turk: I say "si" which is "yes" in Dominican. And Puerto Rican.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: But you're Dominican.

J.D.: I'm playing with you. Listen. We're gonna be fine. You know why?
[song: "Friends Forever/What's Going to Happen":]
J.D.: We'll be friends forever. We're gonna be friends forever. We will always be true. Friends forever. We're gonna be friends forever. I'll always be there for you. We're as close as-
Turk: the venae cavae and the aorta.
J.D.: We're best friends just like
Elliot: amoxacilin and clavulanic acid.
Dr. Kelso: The tibia and the fibula. The left and right ventricle.
Elliot: A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet.
All: Diverticulitis and a barium enema.
Dr. Kelso: The vena cava and the aorta.
Elliot: Amoxacilin and clavulanic acid.
Dr. Kelso: The tibia, the fibula. The left and right ventricle.
Elliot: A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet.
Dr. Kelso: The vena cava and the aorta.
Elliot: Amoxacilin and clavulanic acid.
Dr. Kelso: The tibia, the fibula. The left and right ventricule.
Elliot: A hypodermic needle and...

[song: "Friends Forever/What's Going to Happen" continues:]
Patti: What's going to happen? What does the future hold? So many things that I put off. Assuming I'd have time. Assuming I'd grow old. What's going to happen? And will I be alive tomorrow? What's going to happen to me?
Dr. Cox: You're going to be okay.
All: That's what's going to happen. Everything's okay. We're right here beside you. We won't let you slip away. Plan for tomorrow. 'cause we swear to you You're going to be okay.
Patti: I'm going to be okay.
All: That's what's going to happen.
Patti: Everything is okay.
All: Everything is okay. We will never leave you. Right here we will stay. Plan for tomorrow. Plan for tomorrow. 'cause we swear to you you're going to be okay.
J.D.: [talks] We hope.
Dr. Cox: Ssh.