307. My Fifteen Seconds
Aired November 20, 2003
J.D.'s relationship with Danni (guest star Tara Reid) seems to be going well, much to the annoyance of Dr. Cox. When J.D. and Dr. Cox treat Jill Tracy (Nicole Sullivan), they find they don't have much time to listen to their patient. Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso goes temporarily deaf because of cheap stethoscopes, and Elliot snaps at Carla after her medical advice backfires.
Quote from Turk
Carla: Can you believe that Elliot, giving me all that attitude?
Turk: You know, two weeks ago an O.R. nurse with like twenty years experience started telling me I was tying the wrong suture.
Carla: But I bet you listened to her, right?
Turk: Nah, I kicked her ass out the O.R. Heh.
Carla: But I bet you were nice about it, right?
Turk: No, I made her cry. The point is, baby, whatever happens with this patient, it's on my shoulders. And it's the same with Elliot and you know that. That's what makes your relationship so complicated. Outside this hospital, yeah, you're the boss of Elliot. And well, you know, you're the boss of me. And baby, you're the boss of everyone. But in this building, Elliot's in charge.
Carla: Am I really the boss of everybody outside of here?
Turk: Baby, you the boss of everybody in the world.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I was doing the Naked Chicken Dance that my uncle Bart had taught me, I realized that life couldn't get much better than this.
[After Dr. Cox barges in, J.D. grabs a photo frame to cover his private parts]
Dr. Cox: Okay! Now, just because Jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister doesn't mean that you can use my guest-room for your nerdy, G-rated sexcapades. And oh, my God, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard!?
J.D.: My bad. [turns photo frame around] It's a beautiful shot of you.
Dr. Cox: Jus- Come here! Ju- You filthy, filthy boy! Filthy girl! Filthy girl!
Danni: Aw, you're okay, Little Buddy!
J.D.: [v.o.] No!
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Ted: Sir, we've got some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight.
I contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more on his hand-made smoking paraphernalia.
Dr. Kelso: Nonsense! [hissing] These are fine!
Ted: [muffled] Are you okay Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: [v.o.] Sweet dancing Jehovah! I've punctured my brain!
Quote from Ted
Ted: There you are, you deaf bastard! I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it!
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I can hear now.
Ted: Who's Ted?
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] She's awake. Say something romantic.
J.D.: Do you think this is a good time to start talking about a nickname for my penis? It's just that I-I dated this girl in college who made the decision without consulting me, and then all of a sudden there it was. Eighteen straight months of it being called "Little Buddy". And we just didn't like that; not one bit.
Danni: J.D., I haven't even had coffee yet.
J.D.: Ah, you're right, I'm sorry. "Big Al" for example.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: [on the phone] Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling, but the fact is you ventured into his side of the house. Baring his teeth, huh? Okay, now here's what you do. Are you ready? Make a sudden move! [growling, screaming] Ah, those two!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally I couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper "No, no, no" but your eyes scream, "Yes, yes. Oh, big daddy, yes!" But when you're dating Jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital, and I just won't have that. So, here's the deal: Don't want to have dinner with you. Don't want to go bowling with you. And I never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, "Oh, it's waffle time! It's waffle time! Won't you have some waffles of mine?"
J.D.: "Waffles of mine"
Dr. Cox: Bottom line: We'll be bestest friends foreverest if you just keep your face out of my face. Uh-huh.
Quote from Jill Tracy
Jill Tracy: Hey guys, how are you? I'm great. You know me, I'm up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion Nazi on the E! Network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Me.
J.D.: You know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake. Except, watch out. If that block's not totally melted, hits you in the face!
Jill Tracy: Oh, that'd go everywhere.
J.D.: Yeah, one time I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Those two are like best friends now, huh?
Turk: I know. I wonder what it was that made them so tight?
[fantasy: Carla and Elliot run into each other at a "Meet Erik Estrada" event:]
Carla: Elliot! What are you doing here?
Elliot: I'm, uh, just meeting some friends here for drinks.
Carla: Yes, me too. Friends.
Erik Estrada: Hey.
Erik Estrada: Damn, I still got it.
Turk: Wait a second, dude, that was us.
J.D.: I know.
Both: Greatest night ever!
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: [over P.A.] Dr. Dorian, Dr. Turk is free for his rectal exam. He said you'd know what that means.