Ted Buckland Quotes Page 1 of 12

Quote from My New Coat

J.D.: Ted, you seem different.
Ted: I bought some relaxation tapes. They're working.
J.D.: A patient's blaming me for losing his sense of smell.
Ted: God, you cut off someone's nose? Where is it? Do you have it on you? You're disgusting.
J.D.: No, I just gave him IV imipenem.
Ted: Kelso's gonna blame me. Just get rid of the nose.
J.D.: Ted. Ted, I don't have the nose. Maybe you should calm down.
Ted: Maybe you should calm down!

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Quote from My Brother, Where Art Thou?

Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.

Quote from Their Story

Dr. Kelso: You know what, if the nurses keep going on like this, I'm going to get them their raise, but I'm going to pay for it by firing three of them, the ugly ones. How does that sound?
Ted: [v.o.] Whatever you think is right, sir.
Ted: You're an ass.
Ted: [v.o.] Ted, you idiot. You just said the out-loud thing in your head and the in-your-head thing out loud! Don't make eye-contact, just keep moving!

Quote from My First Day

Ted: Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her anything. [nervous chuckle]

Quote from My Drama Queen

Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On. Did you go ahead and tattle on me?
Ted: Oh, please, with the shocked look. Newsflash, I'm sterile. I mean, gutless. My guys swim in circles. I think it's the bike riding.

Quote from My Jerks

Ted: Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results, but they're locked in my briefcase, and I lost the key.
Dr. Maddox: Allow me. Loving this thing!
Ted: And... here it is.
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well, see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

Quote from My Kingdom

Ted: Dr. Kelso, I was able to locate the discharge form you wanted.
Dr. Kelso: She's a beauty, isn't she, Ted? My pride and joy. I just had her varnished, so don't touch. [Ted touches] Here, hand it over. [paper rips] Ted, you're a simpleton.
Ted: That's funny. Because I thought I was rubber and you were glue.
Dr. Kelso: Idiot.
Ted: Boing flip.

Quote from Their Story

Ted: Sir, they aren't asking for much and the little things can make a big difference. I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash, or friends, or hair.
Dr. Kelso: How would your life be any different, if you had hair?
[fantasy: Ted, wearing a bright '70s-style suit, has a full head of hair as two women hang on to him while they walk down the shampoo aisle at a rug store:]
Ted: [kissing] Don't worry baby, you'll get your turn.
Woman: Which conditioner are you going to buy?
Ted: Too many choices!
[In frustration, Ted pushes over the conditioner shelves before noticing an elderly woman in the next aisle]
Ted: Mom? No! Why do I have hair? Why? Why do I have hair? Why?
[reality:]
Ted: I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried mom?

Quote from My Dream Job

Elliot: Every time I turn around, Kelso's there. Ted, he's trying to break my spirit. I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like? [Ted points to his face] I'm sorry. Of course you do.
Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid? Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam.
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia and you know that, Dr. Oslek.

Quote from My First Day

J.D.: [v.o.] Look, I became a doctor to help people, but orientation yesterday, it didn't really focus on patient care.
[flashback:]
Ted: The hospital doesn't wanna be sued. Being sued is not a good thing.

Quote from My Roommates

Ted: Come on in. I've got a huge king bed. It'll be nice to have a buffer between me and my mom.

Quote from My Fifteen Minutes

Ted: Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for, well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair. And a wife and family. The point is, I'll never get a raise without support of senior staff like yourself.
Dr. Kelso: Can't do it.
Ted: Well, you did what you could.

Quote from My Fifteen Minutes

Dr. Cox: Isn't that right, Ted?
Ted: Definitely, sir. You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint, however.
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Ted: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd recommend you takecab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk will be driving your Beamer home to his place. [Turk laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Hippie.
Ted: God, that felt good.
Turk: Who's the man?
Ted: Is it me?
Turk: Damn right it's you. [goes to high-five Ted, who initially cowers]
Ted: Oh, right. It's me.

Quote from My Best Friend's Mistake

Ted: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, end up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me. Accident. Lawsuit. [all] Accident. Lawsuit.

Quote from My Lawyer's in Love

Janitor: Look, Ted, you're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
Ted: I'm not upset.
J.D.: Ted, we found you in a park, throwing rocks at old couples.
Ted: Why should they be happy?!

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