Dr. Kelso: Look, infection can start with a simple sneeze. And then a handshake. Perhaps an accidental collision. Then a simple touch on the shoulder.
[As Dr. Kelso speaks, the camera turns to a young boy who sneezes. As his mother wipes his nose, the tissue she throws away glows green, as does her hand. She then shakes hands with a doctor, turning his hand green. He bumps into a nurse who helps him pick up his file, turning her hand green. The nurse then strokes the arm of a patient, turning her arm green.]
Dr. Kelso: And just like that you have a patient in trouble.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk and Elliot were having a hard time because Mr. Burton didn't make it through surgery.
Elliot: We did everything we could for your dad. We are so sorry, Devin, Eric.
Eric: That's Devin. I'm Eric.
Elliot: Oh, you guys must get that all the time.
Devin: Because all black people look the same?
Turk: Hmm.
Elliot: No! Because you're identical twins.
Eric: Is she always this racist?
Turk: Oh, there's a pattern.
Elliot: Identical twins, Turk!

Turk: I don't lose things.
Carla: Please, you lose everything. Sometimes I worry what you'll be like as a dad.
[fantasy:]
Turk: [on the phone] We're on our way back right now. Junior and I just went to pick up a pumpkin.
[Turk looks in the back and sees a pumpkin strapped into the kiddy chair]
Turk: I'm gonna have to call you back.
[meanwhile, at a pumpkin farm:]
Woman: Look, somebody left a baby here.
[Carla and Turk stand over their baby's crib, which now houses the pumpkin:]
Carla: Well, he is kind of cute.
Turk: Phew!
[later, in the bathroom:]
Turk: Our baby's first bath.
Carla: Oh, watch the head.
[ten years later, Turk and Carla sit in the bleachers as the pitcher knocks the helmet off their pumpkin:]
Carla: What?! Come on! That was intentional!
Turk: Charge the mound, son!
Both: Charge the mound!
[twenty-one years later:]
Turk: We are so damn proud of you, son.
Carla: My little valedictorian.
[A man accidentally nudges Turk, sending the pumpkin splattering to the ground]
Carla: [sobbing]
Turk: Put him back together, baby! No!
Young Man: Mom? Dad?
Carla: Son? Son?
Turk: Get over here, boy! You come and you give your father a hug!
[The young man is knocked down a bus]
Turk: No!
[Carla faints]
[reality:]
Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.
J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I remember how much you like basketball, so I got you a DVD of the NBA's Greatest Centers of All Time signed by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Mrs. Wilk: Oh, J.D., this is so sweet!
J.D.: [v.o.] Winner!
Keith: My gift is in the same vein.
J.D.: Oh, is it, Keith?
Keith: Mr. Abdul-Jabbar is on my dad's flag football team.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hi, Patricia.
Mrs. Wilk: Oh!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: That's not my signature. Did you sign this? It's illegal.
J.D.: OK. Back to the psych ward, Mr. Rosenberg. Crazy.

J.D.: I can't just pick one of 'em out to torture.
Dr. Cox: Then dump on all of 'em! I'm sure they deserve it. I mean, let's face facts. You are their teacher. How competent can they be?
J.D.: Actually, just this morning, one of 'em had trouble with an IV. Yesterday, one made a diagnosis off a backwards x-ray. And last week, one when a patient septic when he confused a suppository with a Mike and Ike.
Dr. Cox: Stellar group there, Newbie. Let the torturing commence. [beeping] Oh, I'm sorry. That means conversational time is O-V-E-R. Please exit the area. Please exit the area. Please exit the area.
J.D.: When you get a chance, I'd love to talk to you more about the screenplay.
Dr. Cox: Please exit the area. Please exit the area.

Dr. Kelso: Patricia, it's been a real pleasure having you here at Sacred Heart, and I certainly hope the next time you fall ill, you'll remember us. I'm not implying that you'll get ill, it's just that you're old and chances are good... Stop talking, Robert.
Mrs. Wilk: [chuckles] It's all right. I know what you meant.

J.D.: [v.o.] Yes, I like some interns more than others, but I never let personal feelings affect my professional behavior.
J.D.: You're late, Keith, which doesn't surprise me because you're a bad person.
Keith: Sorry, they needed help with a shooting victim downstairs.
J.D.: Lies will get you nowhere, Keith.
Keith: I'm covered in his blood.
J.D.: That could be anyone's blood.
Carla: Here's the gunshot victim from downstairs.
Man: Hey, look, my blood.
J.D.: That's not your blood.
Man: Yes, it is.
J.D.: Quiet time.

Dr. Kelso: Would someone explain what that bird is doing in my hospital?
Janitor: Sanchez appears to be flying, sir. I've named him Sanchez. He set up shop in that old wreath there. I'd take it down, but the patients really seem to love the little guy.
Dr. Kelso: That disease-infested scavenger is a serious health risk.
Janitor: No.
Dr. Kelso: Do you know the number one cause of death?
Dr. Cox: Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?
Dr. Cox: Your breath?
Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense.
Dr. Cox: Don't care.

J.D.: Hey, could I borrow five bucks? I left my wallet at home.
Dr. Cox: [mouth full] What do you need $5 for? Abraham Lincoln-
Carla: Because Abraham Lincoln is your president crush or because Woolworths is having a 48-hour girdle sale? There, I did it for you. Don't talk with your mouth full. All I have are hundreds.
Dr. Cox: [mouth full] What are you, a prostitute?
Carla: Because I worked the streets last night. Apparently I'm a prostitute?
Dr. Cox: Nice job.

Dr. Cox: Why are you sitting here, Newbie?
J.D.: I'd sit with my interns, but Keith's over there and I can't stand him.
Dr. Cox: I've seen that kid. Horrible doctor. I would sooner leave my medical care in the hands of Dr. Acula. Yes, I read your vampire screenplay and as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't hate it. Alright, look, here's what you do with this Keith. Turn the heat up on his ass and, sooner or later, he'll make a mistake and then you bounce him the hell out of here.
J.D.: What did you think of the Transylvania sequence? Because I wrote it while I was on-call and the next morning, I read it, and I was like, "What was I thinking?"
Dr. Cox: Bethany, focus.