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‘My Brother, Where Art Thou?’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Brother, Where Art Thou?

305. My Brother, Where Art Thou?

Aired November 6, 2003

J.D. is less than thrilled when his brother Dan (Tom Cavanagh) comes to visit, especially after Dan gets an inside look at how J.D. an Dr. Cox feel about their patients. Meanwhile, Elliot tries to make some extra money by moonlighting outside the hospital.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system. The nursing home "doctors" unload this gomer on us because they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred, and then turf him right back to the good people at "Next Stop, Heaven", where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes" and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us!
J.D.: Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so sayonara, Mr. Bober.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would.


Quote from Ted

Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss and we hug and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Now check the ball, cracker.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word.
J.D.: And to drink?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: [v.o.] And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of IV fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again. What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
J.D.: Ooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is peppers. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
J.D.: Yes.
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Why are you here.
Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Ted: Baxter won't get out of my chair.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla..."
Elliot: Sir, what- Wh- What Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives. Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to.
Dr. Kelso: I'll see you two in the morning. Now get out of my office before I change my mind. [dials phone] Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions. Once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you, too.
Ted: That was beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Look, you just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious.
[later, in a forest:]
Elliot: [on the phone] Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? Okay, um, now imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck and- Can you hear me? Sean? Good. Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts- Are you there? Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over. Your nipples. Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!
Boyscout: Look, Oliver!
Elliot: I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up. It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great. But if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is.
Ted: No moonlighting.
Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money! Is my message clear?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; nyet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff: "Noooo...!"
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: "Pff."
J.D.: I just want to say, thank you.
Dr. Cox: Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us?
J.D.: "Noooo... Pff."
Dr. Cox: Dan? [whistles] Come!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma.
Dr. Cox: Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness you gotta deal with this place any way you can.
Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
Dr. Cox: I'm s- I'm s- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, 'cause I just might give you a jingle. Ba-ha-ring! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue, couldn't be more confused!

Quote from Dan

Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. For instance, when we were kids, my Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school. [laughs] Just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother-
Dan: Well...
Dr. Cox: But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox. No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does. Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace. Sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted. And yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin'- I'm telling you, start taking that responsibility seriously. Stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: I miss Sean. This long-distance thing is killing me.
Carla: Well, are you having phone-sex?
Elliot: Uh, gross! Have you and Turk ever done it?
Carla: Last year, when he went home for the holidays, I gave him a call. You'd be surprised at how much Turk's eleven-year-old nephew sounds like him... and how worldly he is.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Yeah, well I'm not comfortable doing it here, anyway. I mean, these walls are so thin, that guy next door listens to every single thing I say. Yeah, I can hear you, there, breathing! [a dog pants on the other side of the wall] You sick bastard!

Quote from Dan

Turk: So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?
Dan: To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
J.D.: Oh, the audacity.
Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She was my girlfriend.
Dan: Right. You got her number?

Quote from Dan

Turk: Ah, come to papa.
J.D.: Turk, can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!
Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation. You don't want that.
Turk: Ah!

Quote from Dan

J.D.: This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband doesn't want you in the house.
Dan: Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.

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