305. My Brother, Where Art Thou?
Aired November 6, 2003
J.D. is less than thrilled when his brother Dan (Tom Cavanagh) comes to visit, especially after Dan gets an inside look at how J.D. an Dr. Cox feel about their patients. Meanwhile, Elliot tries to make some extra money by moonlighting outside the hospital.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: But see, this is just exactly what's wrong with the whole system. The nursing home "doctors" unload this gomer on us because they're unable to treat him. So, we get his temperature below a hundred, and then turf him right back to the good people at "Next Stop, Heaven", where, in between mounting wheelchair productions of "Anything Goes" and robbing the poor old bastards blind, they bounce him right back to us!
J.D.: Well, on the plus side, his temperature's 99.9, so sayonara, Mr. Bober.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I could just give you a hug! Of course, I never would! I could, but I never would, God save me! I never would.
Quote from Ted
Carla: Okay, I paged Dr. Kelso. Do you feel confident about this, Ted?
Ted: I'm not sure. I don't know what confidence feels like.
Quote from Turk
Turk: Besides, why aren't you at home, apologizing to your brother before he takes off?
J.D.: Turk, you don't get it, man. Your family was there for you.
Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word "black", even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss and we hug and we apologize for all the things we said, 'cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas! Now check the ball, cracker.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word.
J.D.: And to drink?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: [v.o.] And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of IV fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again. What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
J.D.: Ooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is peppers. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Dr. Cox: Newbie! Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
Dr. Cox: I've never felt closer to you.
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Why are you here.
Elliot: My boyfriend is in New Zealand for six months, and if I don't moonlight, then I'm never gonna have enough money to see him.
Carla: My wedding's costing twice as much as I thought it would, and I need the extra cash.
Ted: Baxter won't get out of my chair.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, even though we're understaffed and underpaid, I've been working here for ten years! I mean, all day long? All I hear is "Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla, Carla..."
Elliot: Sir, what- Wh- What Carla is saying, and not in any kind of crazy or, uh, rambling sort of way, is that we work hard here at the hospital, but it's not the only thing in our lives. Surely you must know what it's like to love someone so much that you'd do anything you had to.
Dr. Kelso: I'll see you two in the morning. Now get out of my office before I change my mind. [dials phone] Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions. Once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. I love you, too.
Ted: That was beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
Quote from Elliot
Carla: Look, you just need to find a place where you're not so self-conscious.
[later, in a forest:]
Elliot: [on the phone] Hi, Sweetie. Are you naked? Okay, um, now imagine me taking off my shirt and kissing down your neck and- Can you hear me? Sean? Good. Okay, now I'm at your chest and my tongue starts- Are you there? Good, because now I am licking your nipples all over. Your nipples. Nipples, Sean! I'm licking your nipples!
Boyscout: Look, Oliver!
Elliot: I don't care how close you are! I'll call you later!
Quote from Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Okay, everyone, listen up. It came to my attention that Dr. Brogan here has been moonlighting over at County Medical. Now, if he were to kill someone over there, great. But if he were to make a mistake here because of how tired he was from working at his other job, then my hospital would be liable. So, Ted, why don't you tell everyone what my policy on moonlighting is.
Ted: No moonlighting.
Dr. Kelso: Now, Dr. Brogan will be suspended without pay for one week, but on the plus side, he gets to run around in my backyard wearing a foam suit so I can see if my dog Baxter's attack classes were worth the money! Is my message clear?
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: Uh, Dr. Cox, Dan was wondering if he could trail with us today.
Dr. Cox: Good God in heaven, Newbie, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; nyet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff: "Noooo...!"
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: "Pff."
J.D.: I just want to say, thank you.
Dr. Cox: Hold the phone. You don't want him to come with us?
J.D.: "Noooo... Pff."
Dr. Cox: Dan? [whistles] Come!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dan: So, Dr. Cox, how long has my little brother had the desire to smother old people? I feel I should warn Grandma.
Dr. Cox: Gonna sound a little dark, but in all fairness you gotta deal with this place any way you can.
Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
Dr. Cox: I'm s- I'm s- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, 'cause I just might give you a jingle. Ba-ha-ring! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue, couldn't be more confused!
Quote from Dan
Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. For instance, when we were kids, my Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school. [laughs] Just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother-
Dr. Cox: But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox. No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does. Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace. Sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted. And yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin'- I'm telling you, start taking that responsibility seriously. Stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.