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34Quotes from ‘My Interpretation’

Scrubs: My Interpretation

220. My Interpretation

Aired April 3, 2003

After J.D. and Jamie hook up at her late husband's funeral, he decides it's too early for them to date. Turk is alarmed by a sex dream he has about Elliot. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox skips out on looking after Jordan's baby, and J.D. treats the Janitor after a chance encounter.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out the window you would have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Okay, I still wanna refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign... Benign-and-a-half.

Quote from Ted

Carla: If you're having dreams about another woman, maybe you're not ready for marriage.
Turk: Baby.
Carla: Just take it. Are you crazy? Baby, it was only a sex dream. Everybody has them. Right, Ted?
Ted: Oh, no, not me. I just have the one dream over and over. I hold his head under the water till the last bubble goes bloop.
Dr. Kelso: Ted. What's the ETA on those Double Stufs?
Ted: Bloop.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I think Dr. Cox would be more willing to help if he knew it was his baby.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox's head on the baby]
Dr. Cox: What do you say, Stephanie? How about you step up to the plate and tell the guy. My God, I'm only three weeks old and already I've got more stones than you do. One of mine hasn't even dropped yet.
J.D.: It's not my place to tell.
Dr. Cox: Whaa! Whaa! Whaa!
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the furry sight of this little fellow, but you gotta snap out of it.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Excuse me. Jamie.
Jamie: J.D.?
J.D.: I treated a patient today who was mad at his brother for presuming to know what was best for him, and that got me thinking. Because I was freaking out that we hooked up in the closet at the funeral, I did the same thing to you. So if you're really ready, let's go for it, 'cause I'm crazy about you. And you're right, your husband's gone, and he's never coming back. Who are these lovely people?
Jamie: These are my late husband's parents.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, how can I make this right?
[fantasy: J.D., Jamie and her late husband's parents dance to 99 Luft Ballons]
J.D.: [v.o.] If only.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [v.o.] One way or another, everyone finds a way to make it all about themselves.
Nurse Roberts: I gotta fix my own copy machine because the maintenance man says he has more important things to do.
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
Nurse Roberts: Whatever.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, she's probably feeling awful so say something reassuring.
J.D.: You're going to hell.
Jamie: J.D., we've been over this. I loved my husband, but he's been dead to me for two years. I mean, I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have some closure and my first orgasm in, like, forever.
J.D.: You know, Jamie, there are a lot of ways to grieve. But last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan.
Jordan: You know, it's funny. I can't even be pissed and want you to die screaming in agony as two horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I gotta tell you something.
Jordan: You know, I love my dad, but he just doesn't look like a Quinn.
Dr. Cox: Maybe that's because he's not drunk and yelling at your mother.
Jordan: What are you? A Kevin? A Billy?
Dr. Cox: Jack? [baby smiles]
Jordan: All right. Jack it is. What the hell. All right. You take him.
[Dr. Cox holds Jack and looks at the baby's face with an amazed expression on his]
Jordan: So, what did you wanna tell me?
Dr. Cox: Nothing. Nothing.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: I can't believe you're bitching because I asked you to look after him for an hour three days a week.
Do you know how badly I need a massage?
Dr. Cox: What's the matter? Are you getting all sore around that hump above your butt where your tail used to be?
Jordan: I'm going because when Gustave promises me something will feel great and last an hour, he doesn't end up in the shower five minutes later, thinking he made me see God.
Dr. Cox: So not Gustave. Busy doctor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I gotta get to that funeral.
Dr. Cox: Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife. Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like. Enter Errol Flynn, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her. But since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off.
Jordan: Listen, later on, if you have trouble getting the baby to sleep, just tell him that story.

Quote from J.D.

Jamie: I am OK, J.D. I am really seeing things clearly.
J.D.: You've never been more confused.
Jamie: I'm happy.
J.D.: You're sad.
Jamie: I'm at peace.
J.D.: You're at war.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Alright, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember, keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every 15 minutes, no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot, and, Perry, you're the only one in my life I actually have to say this to. Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about? [baby cries] Whaa! Have you named this thing yet?
Jordan: I'm thinking of naming him after my father.
Dr. Cox: Tax Evader?
Jordan: Quinn.
Dr. Cox: How about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan: You're right, Percival. Quinn is a foofy name.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: What's her problem? I'm starting to wonder if my prescription deodorant isn't working.
Turk: Hmm?
Elliot: It's not for the odor, it's for the wetness. See? [wipes hand under armpit]
Turk: Oh, woman, don't touch me.
Elliot: You're right. I have got to stop touching my pits and rubbing them on people.
Turk: Yes, yo do.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm gonna try not to call Jamie because I know in my heart she shouldn't be in a relationship yet. Still there were a lot of questions. Was she going to be OK? Did I leave my underwear at the funeral? Good Lord, how did I end up in the middle of nowhere without realizing I've never had to pee this badly in my life?
J.D.: Ah... [seeing the Janitor showering] Oh, my God.
Janitor: [hums]
J.D.: Oh, my God.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: So you saw the janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Well, then it's your obligation as a doctor, and your privilege as a woman, to go back and ask him if you can't see it one more time. Now, of course I'd love to help you, but I'm off to baby-sit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, Mr. Mueller doesn't speak a word of English.
J.D.: Hi, Mr. Mueller.
Mr. Mueller: [German: "Why is it so cold in here? I should have a space heater, or a big chesty nurse to get under the covers with me."]
[Nurse Roberts enters]
Mr. Mueller: Danke.
Nurse Roberts: What's he danke-ing you for?
J.D.: I don't know. This is so frustrating. I just wish there was some way we could connect.
[fantasy: J.D. and Mr. Mueller dance to "99 Luft Ballons" in a hospital room filled with red balloons]
J.D.: Nah, that would never work.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] This is perfect. In here I can just accidentally see his wiener and then give him medical advice. Just be subtle.
J.D.: [hums, swings head back and forth]
Janitor: Can I take your order?
J.D.: How come you're not unzipped?
Janitor: 'cause I'm not peeing. This is where I come for my breaks. If I stand out there, everyone tells me to do stuff.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hey, I just met your patient, Mr. Mueller. We had such a nice chat.
J.D.: You speak German?
Elliot: Yeah, I can do a sweet little milkmaid. [sweetly speaks German] I can do an evil old hausfrau. [yells in German]
J.D.: German's such a beautiful language.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Now Mr. Mueller is doing so much better, I'm not sure if telling him the truth is even the best thing for him.
Dr. Cox: So what you're saying is you have a problem that is totally your problem, but you'd like to find a way to make that problem my problem? But, here's the problem, Newbie, it's not my problem. So what do you say we stop talking about the janitor's junk? I'd like to hear nussing about ze German and don't even mention Tasty Coma Wife, even though I know she's on your mind.
J.D.: No, she's not.
[fantasy:] Jamie: Yes, I am.
Dr. Cox: Well, since we are sharing, I have to go and face Jordan and tell her that I didn't ditch her little hatchling on account of being lazy. I did it because whenever I'm alone with that child, you know what I feel? Nothing. What do you say, you wanna trade your big problems for mine?
J.D.: No, thanks.
Dr. Cox: It was worth a try.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Baby?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: Have you dreamt of anyone since we got engaged?
Carla: No, baby, but I understand. Come here. Let me give you something to dream about.
Ted: See if you can find my tattoo.
[Carla wakes up]


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