J.D.: Okay, I still wanna refer you to a dermatologist, but it looks benign to me.
Janitor: Benign... Benign-and-a-half.

J.D.: Look... Janitor, I'm gonna be straight with you. I saw your penis and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside in the bushes. Look, it was just a coincidence, man. If you had looked out the window you would have seen my penis.
Janitor: What?! Why?!
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours.

Carla: If you're having dreams about another woman, maybe you're not ready for marriage.
Turk: Baby.
Carla: Just take it. Are you crazy? Baby, it was only a sex dream. Everybody has them. Right, Ted?
Ted: Oh, no, not me. I just have the one dream over and over. I hold his head under the water till the last bubble goes bloop.
Dr. Kelso: Ted. What's the ETA on those Double Stufs?
Ted: Bloop.

J.D.: I think Dr. Cox would be more willing to help if he knew it was his baby.
[fantasy: Dr. Cox's head on the baby]
Dr. Cox: What do you say, Stephanie? How about you step up to the plate and tell the guy. My God, I'm only three weeks old and already I've got more stones than you do. One of mine hasn't even dropped yet.
J.D.: It's not my place to tell.
Dr. Cox: Whaa! Whaa! Whaa!
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the furry sight of this little fellow, but you gotta snap out of it.

J.D.: [v.o.] One way or another, everyone finds a way to make it all about themselves.
Nurse Roberts: I gotta fix my own copy machine because the maintenance man says he has more important things to do.
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
Nurse Roberts: Whatever.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, she's probably feeling awful so say something reassuring.
J.D.: You're going to hell.
Jamie: J.D., we've been over this. I loved my husband, but he's been dead to me for two years. I mean, I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have some closure and my first orgasm in, like, forever.
J.D.: You know, Jamie, there are a lot of ways to grieve. But last time I checked, wheelbarrow style wasn't one of them.

J.D.: Excuse me. Jamie.
Jamie: J.D.?
J.D.: I treated a patient today who was mad at his brother for presuming to know what was best for him, and that got me thinking. Because I was freaking out that we hooked up in the closet at the funeral, I did the same thing to you. So if you're really ready, let's go for it, 'cause I'm crazy about you. And you're right, your husband's gone, and he's never coming back. Who are these lovely people?
Jamie: These are my late husband's parents.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, how can I make this right?
[fantasy: J.D., Jamie and her late husband's parents dance to 99 Luft Ballons]
J.D.: [v.o.] If only.

Jordan: I can't believe you're bitching because I asked you to look after him for an hour three days a week.
Do you know how badly I need a massage?
Dr. Cox: What's the matter? Are you getting all sore around that hump above your butt where your tail used to be?
Jordan: I'm going because when Gustave promises me something will feel great and last an hour, he doesn't end up in the shower five minutes later, thinking he made me see God.
Dr. Cox: So not Gustave. Busy doctor.

J.D.: I gotta get to that funeral.
Dr. Cox: Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife. Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like. Enter Errol Flynn, whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her. But since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off.
Jordan: Listen, later on, if you have trouble getting the baby to sleep, just tell him that story.

Jamie: I am OK, J.D. I am really seeing things clearly.
J.D.: You've never been more confused.
Jamie: I'm happy.
J.D.: You're sad.
Jamie: I'm at peace.
J.D.: You're at war.