Todd: Can you imagine being married to Elliot?
[fantasy: the Janitor and Elliot sit on their couch:]
Elliot: Darling, do you think that we're pigeon-holing the children?
[The three boys are dressed like janitors and the trio of girls are dressed like doctors]
Janitor: Who cares? It's not like they're ours.
[reality:]
Janitor: I'd have to find some tiny charts and mops, but it's doable.

J.D.: [v.o.] There we were. Elliot's friend Melody and I, witnessing this moment.
Elliot: Yes! Oh, my God, yes.
Keith: Awesome! Awesome! Okay.
Elliot: This is so romantic. Okay, it's a little tight, just push a little harder. Uh, got a little skin there, no problem.
Melody: Here come the fricks.
Elliot: Just put that motherfrickin' ring on my motherfrickin' finger! Frick! Frick! Frick!

Elliot: Mrs. Sheldon, may I just say I hope to look as good as you when I'm 80.
Mrs. Sheldon: I'm 68.
Elliot: Did they not have sunscreen when you grow up?

Elliot: Ugh, old people sex is disgusting.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Because from time to time I like to throw back a few blue bombers and head out on the town.
Carla: Ok, we're leaving now.
Dr. Kelso: You will go nowhere! No one will. I will have you all know that just this morning I hoisted Enid on to the safety rail in our kitchen and we went at it like drunk monkeys. That's right. Now, just soak in that image for a while.

Elliot: Carla, you're in charge of the guest list. Just make sure that all of my friends are there. Ohh, and Naomi, that bitch from radiology. She teased me for six years about how she's gonna beat me down the aisle. Oh, she can suck it, her and her fat neck.
Carla: Invite fat neck, got it.
Melody: If you'll point out Fat Neck to me, I'll keep asking why she's still single until she cries.
Carla: Done.

J.D.: Can you believe him?
Turk: Oh, you and Elliot did go through a lot.
Carla: You two have been on and off again more than Ross and Rachel from Friends.
J.D.: Please, I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

Elliot: Oh, and Per, you were wrong. Someone is dumb enough to love me. [walks away]
Carla: Where is your head right now?
[fantasy: Elliot is dressed like a '50s housewife as she sits on the couch with Dr. Cox as he makes apple and cheese crackers:]
Elliot: Perry! No, it goes "Cracker, apple, cheese". Not "Cracker, cheese, apple". I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this.
[later, the walls are covered in blood as the police arrest Dr. Cox]
Police Officer: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: Worth it.

Elliot: Uh! What do you think of my manicure? I got it for the ring.
Carla: Perfect!
[fantasy, Turk and Elliot at their breakfast table:]
Elliot: What's on today's agenda, lovey?
Turk: Well, snookums, I'm first going to check out the market, then play a few holes of golf, and then pretend to care about under-privileged people. You know, the usual.
Elliot: Well, I'm off. And keep an eye on Lupita. I think some of the silver's gone missing.
Turk: I'll talk to her.
Elliot: Bye, Snookie.
Turk: Okay, have a good day! You've been a naughty girl, Lupita.
Carla: Si senor!
Turk: You're looking fine as hell today, girl!
Carla: Take me.
Turk: It's going down.
[reality:]
Turk: I'm so hard up I'm fantasizing about having sex with my own wife! It ain't right!

Elliot: I can't believe they have syphilis.
Dr. Cox: Yes, Barbie. Look, when people get old there are certain things they are no longer able to do, like drive a car over 20 miles an hour or smell like the living, but the one thing they damn sure can do is have sex until they croak. The fact of the matter is that thanks to a variety of male enhancement drugs, sexually transmitted diseases have increased amongst the elderly by 300%.

Elliot: Great, I'll go tell them that they have an STD.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso and Elliot are seated at opposite ends of their long dining table:]
Elliot: I hate you.
Dr. Kelso: I know.
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: Different wife, same story.