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‘My Cold Shower’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Scrubs: My Cold Shower

619. My Cold Shower

Aired May 3, 2007

When Keith's ring doesn't fit Elliot, she gets the chance to plan for a "spontaneous" proposal. J.D. keeps trying to get things going with Melody, though she won't let him progress past the "macking" stage. Meanwhile, Carla and Elliot can't figure out what's wrong with two elderly patients with the same symptoms.

Quote from Janitor

Todd: Can you imagine being married to Elliot?
[fantasy: the Janitor and Elliot sit on their couch:]
Elliot: Darling, do you think that we're pigeon-holing the children?
[The three boys are dressed like janitors and the trio of girls are dressed like doctors]
Janitor: Who cares? It's not like they're ours.
[reality:]
Janitor: I'd have to find some tiny charts and mops, but it's doable.

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Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] There we were. Elliot's friend Melody and I, witnessing this moment.
Elliot: Yes! Oh, my God, yes.
Keith: Awesome! Awesome! Okay.
Elliot: This is so romantic. Okay, it's a little tight, just push a little harder. Uh, got a little skin there, no problem.
Melody: Here come the fricks.
Elliot: Just put that motherfrickin' ring on my motherfrickin' finger! Frick! Frick! Frick!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mrs. Sheldon, may I just say I hope to look as good as you when I'm 80.
Mrs. Sheldon: I'm 68.
Elliot: Did they not have sunscreen when you grow up?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Ugh, old people sex is disgusting.
Dr. Kelso: Really? Because from time to time I like to throw back a few blue bombers and head out on the town.
Carla: Ok, we're leaving now.
Dr. Kelso: You will go nowhere! No one will. I will have you all know that just this morning I hoisted Enid on to the safety rail in our kitchen and we went at it like drunk monkeys. That's right. Now, just soak in that image for a while.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Carla, you're in charge of the guest list. Just make sure that all of my friends are there. Ohh, and Naomi, that bitch from radiology. She teased me for six years about how she's gonna beat me down the aisle. Oh, she can suck it, her and her fat neck.
Carla: Invite fat neck, got it.
Melody: If you'll point out Fat Neck to me, I'll keep asking why she's still single until she cries.
Carla: Done.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Can you believe him?
Turk: Oh, you and Elliot did go through a lot.
Carla: You two have been on and off again more than Ross and Rachel from Friends.
J.D.: Please, I'm nothing like Ross.
Dr. Cox: Of course not. You're Rachel, she's Ross.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Oh, and Per, you were wrong. Someone is dumb enough to love me. [walks away]
Carla: Where is your head right now?
[fantasy: Elliot is dressed like a '50s housewife as she sits on the couch with Dr. Cox as he makes apple and cheese crackers:]
Elliot: Perry! No, it goes "Cracker, apple, cheese". Not "Cracker, cheese, apple". I know that we've only been married two days, Perry, but you should know this.
[later, the walls are covered in blood as the police arrest Dr. Cox]
Police Officer: You're gonna fry for this, buddy.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: Worth it.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Uh! What do you think of my manicure? I got it for the ring.
Carla: Perfect!
[fantasy, Turk and Elliot at their breakfast table:]
Elliot: What's on today's agenda, lovey?
Turk: Well, snookums, I'm first going to check out the market, then play a few holes of golf, and then pretend to care about under-privileged people. You know, the usual.
Elliot: Well, I'm off. And keep an eye on Lupita. I think some of the silver's gone missing.
Turk: I'll talk to her.
Elliot: Bye, Snookie.
Turk: Okay, have a good day! You've been a naughty girl, Lupita.
Carla: Si senor!
Turk: You're looking fine as hell today, girl!
Carla: Take me.
Turk: It's going down.
[reality:]
Turk: I'm so hard up I'm fantasizing about having sex with my own wife! It ain't right!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: I can't believe they have syphilis.
Dr. Cox: Yes, Barbie. Look, when people get old there are certain things they are no longer able to do, like drive a car over 20 miles an hour or smell like the living, but the one thing they damn sure can do is have sex until they croak. The fact of the matter is that thanks to a variety of male enhancement drugs, sexually transmitted diseases have increased amongst the elderly by 300%.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Great, I'll go tell them that they have an STD.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso and Elliot are seated at opposite ends of their long dining table:]
Elliot: I hate you.
Dr. Kelso: I know.
[reality:]
Dr. Kelso: Different wife, same story.

Quote from Todd

[The Todd is wearing a t-shirt that has a drawing of a blue-haired old woman with the text "GILF"]
Todd: Hey, fellas. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in Room 309 that needs a little pruding.
Turk: Todd, she's 68 and have syphilis.
Todd: Hey, the Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age and disability.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk was right. I can make this happen. Because whether Melody wanted to admit it or not, there was a definite connection between us!
Melody: So, thanks for hanging with me last night.
J.D.: That's not me, Melody!
Melody: Oh, my bad! You two could be twins.
J.D.: We look nothing alike! What are you, Egyptian? I don't wanna hear it.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: God, what a day. I cannot believe we couldn't figure our patients had STD. You know what should do blow some esteem? Go shoe-shopping.
Carla: Yeah, but you know what? First, we should have tender, emotional sex and then cuddle, and then the shoe-shopping.
Elliot: Hmm. I'm so glad that we are married!
Carla: Oh, sweetie!
[reality:]
Carla: Life would be so much simpler.

Quote from Elliot

Keith: Honey, it it needs to be resized.
Elliot: Okay, Keith, sweetie, you know how I'm crazy, right?
Keith: Definitively.
Elliot: Oh, thanks goodness! Because, I'm so sorry but I just gonna have to take back my "yes". You see, you have to understand, I have dreamt about this moment since I was a very little girl and, the ring fit perfectly, my eyes welled up and I said: "Yes! Oh, my God, yes!", with exactly that inflection.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: Okay, we've only got two days, people. Melody, you're on decorations. Jordan, you'll come up with my look.
Jordan: If I can get you an appointment, would you have your armpits Botoxed so they don't sweat? Because, otherwise, I'm very limited.
Elliot: I'm open to it.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Check it. Not a drop of sweat and it's like a hundred degrees, in there.
Melody: We haven't really been introduced.
Jordan: Jordan. But first smell it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Sorry to hear about your placing second into Dr. Reid-a-thon.
J.D.: Sir?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, you don't have to hide it, son. Given your history, you must be taking her engagement pretty hard.
Sadly, it's only in the movies where the pretty girl ends up with the uggo.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You guys are crazy. Nobody else in this hospital thinks that I'm upset about Elliot.
[montage:]
Dr. Mickhead: Tough break, man.
Todd: "'tis better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all" five!
Leonard: I know about loss, brother.
Doug: It's like she took your heart and just... [squeezes]
J.D.: Doug, aren't you supposed to save those?
Doug: Don't tell anyone.
J.D.: Okay. I'm gonna head over here to vomit.

Quote from Carla

Turk: Baby, will you do me a favor tonight that requires no effort on your part?
Carla: Sure, what is it?
Turk: Would you have sex with me? Come on! We haven't had relations since Izzy was born.
Carla: Turk, I'm just not there yet. I mean, if you weren't emotionally ready would you wanna have sex.
Turk: Baby, I don't even understand the question.
Carla: Go away.
Turk: Oh, man!

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Mrs. Sheldon is the sweetest old lady but I can't figure out what's wrong with her. She's got the most random symptoms: myalgia, alopecia, a rash.
Carla: That is so weird. My patient, Mr. Bilbray, has the same exact symptoms.
Intern: Actually, he's my patient.
Carla: Jamie, you're a baby intern. Yesterday you asked me how to turn on your stethoscope. Now, go stand over there.

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