Todd Quinlan Quotes Page 1 of 11

Quote from My First Step

Todd: Speaking of things that are perfectly fine... That was a compliment. Why won't any women talk to me?
Nurse: Because you're slimy and turn everything into a double entendre.
Todd: Not true.
Turk: Go ahead.
Todd: I'd like to double her entendre. Please. [Todd and Turk high-five]

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Quote from My Sacrificial Clam

Todd: Push it out. Two more. Come on, kid. Bitchin' reps.
Dr. Cox: A dumb-ass says what?
Todd: What?
Dr. Cox: I said, "A dumb-ass says what?"
Todd: What?

Quote from My Roommates

J.D.: Thanks for letting us crash here, man.
Todd: The Todd's not accustomed to receiving gentleman callers.
J.D.: Okay. Oh, cool picture. Which one of those guys is you?
Todd: Oh, I don't swim. So there's only one rule if you're gonna stay at "El Casa de Todd". You got to hammock up.
J.D.: Oh, I don't have one of those, Todd.
Todd: No problem. What are you, about a medium?
J.D.: Extra-medium.
Todd: This will work. And it'll look good, too.

Quote from My Coffee

Carla: Ugh, my breasts are so sore. I wish I could just give you formula.
Todd: [o.s.] Formula's bad for the baby. Boob milk's healthier!

Quote from Their Story

Turk: I'm sorry but that mother should not be giving her little girl a breast implant for her sweet sixteen present.
Todd: So she's sixteen. What's the big deal, T. Dog?
Turk: Well, I have a daughter. Imagine being a parent.
[fantasy: a salt and pepper-haired Todd is reading a newspaper in his banana-hammock when his similarly-dressed son comes to talk to him:]
Rod: Dad, can I talk to you?
Todd: What's up?
Rod: I don't want to wear a banana hammock anymore.
Todd: Rod why?
Rod: Because I stuff.
Todd: Wanna know a secret?
Rod: I stuff too.
[The Scrubs sad theme plays as the almost naked father and son hug]
[reality:]
Todd: I don't stuff.
Snoop Dogg Resident: Maybe you should.

Quote from My Occurrence

Turk: Can't stop thinking about Mr. Weinberg's testicles.
Todd: Dude.
Turk: I mean, I almost removed one of them, Todd.
Todd: Which one?
Turk: Like it matters.
Todd: Oh, it matters.

Quote from My Changing Ways

Janitor: Who's ready for a pie break?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: Come on. Why not?
J.D.: Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea, he's been on an IV drip for 36 hours.
Todd: Make it stop 5.

Quote from My Happy Place

Todd: My guy needs a kidney now. Why wouldn't the Halfords say yes?
Turk: Because they're in no rush. Plus, the Halfords don't know the Brinkleys, so they don't trust them.
Dr. Cox: We're screwed.
Todd: Awesome.
Turk: In The Todd's world, if anybody gets screwed, it's a good thing.
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.

Quote from My Drama Queen

Dr. Cox: And what about you there, Beavis?
Todd: Oh, uh
[flashback:]
Woman: You know, doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your endo.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's great stuff.

Quote from My Brother, My Keeper

Todd: The vascular surgeon on call said to say you could pick up your patient this evening. He also said to say he could give you a loaner patient if you needed someone to butcher until then, but I didn't really get it.
Dr. Townshend: No one expects you to, son.
Todd: Okay, thanks.

Quote from My Tormented Mentor

Todd: Hot Doc, 3 o'clock. I mean 5 o'clock. Over there.
Turk: Todd. Todd, let's get off on the right foot.
Dr. Miller: Hey, it might just be 'cause my expectations are low, but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.
Todd: Well, as long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex.
Turk: Perfect.
Dr. Miller: I'm concerned about you. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact that your mommy didn't pay attention to you, and if you don't get help, you'll eventually start picking up prostitutes and killing them.
Elliot: I've always wanted to say that to him!
Dr. Miller: Well, now you don't have to. Ha-ha-ha.
Todd: She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.
Turk: Hot chick, 12 o'clock.
[Todd looks up at the ceiling]

Quote from My Princess

Carla: J.D., you're a parent now, you gotta be better prepared.
Turk: Yeah. That's why we just stocked up on extra baby oil lotion and diapers.
Todd: Why? Is there a party this week-end?
[everyone pauses]
J.D.: [v.o.] Recently we realized that with Todd, if we didn't move and stayed very quiet, he'd eventually get confused and leave.

Quote from Their Story

Turk: All I'm saying is, it's not right. The girl's only sixteen.
Dr. Green: Yeah, you know, I felt the same way until her mother's check cleared. Look, you're not even in my department, so maybe I'm missing something here, do you see any of your beeswax here? Because I sure as hell don't. Dr. Todd, do you see Dr. Turk's beeswax?
Todd: [v.o.] What the hell was he talking about?
Dr. Green: Todd, come. Look, I know your buddy thinks he's the bee's knees.
Todd: [v.o.] What is it with this dude and bees?
Dr. Green: But if he keeps poking his nose in my business, I will torch him with every other department head in this place. See how that helps his career.
Todd: Internal uh-oh five! Uh-oh!

Quote from My Coffee

J.D.: [v.o.] It was a day of discovery. I discovered that I could sex my pregnant girlfriend into a coma. Nice! Carla discovered that her baby wasn't the only one who loved breast feeding.
Carla: Oh, are you hungry, sweetie?
Todd: I could eat.

Quote from My Fault

Dr. Miller: Todd, you're up!
Todd: Thank you.
Dr. Miller: Now this is your big shot, so if you don't want me to throw you out of here, you've gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.
Todd: No problem.
Dr. Miller: All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.
[later:]
Dr. Miller: [o.s.] And stay out!
Todd: Totally worth it!

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