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36Quotes from ‘My Day Off’

Scrubs: My Day Off

109. My Day Off

Aired November 20, 2001

J.D. experiences what it's like to be a patient at the hospital when he falls ill before Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Elliot is concerned that her patients don't think she has a warm bedside manner, and Dr. Cox is keen to impress the former Chief of Medicine when he's checked into the hospital.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [to the tune of Big Ben chimes] Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, I have been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest x-ray was normal, his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well, now hold the phone there, skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean, give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say "Who gives a crap?" Actually, that wasn't half bad.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You better watch it, Bambi. You don't want a 100lb white girl mad at you. You'll flinch every time you hear a Range Rover.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] On the bright side, it'll be interesting to see what it feels like to be a patient.
Janitor: You know people die here? [bites apple]
J.D.: You're a good friend.
Janitor: [mouth full] Eh, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo reminding senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in neighborhood to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?
Mr. Davis: I'd say so.
Elliot: And as a doctor, you found me comforting, right?
Mr. Davis: God, no.
Elliot: Come on, I'm pretty good with people.
Mr. Davis: No, you're horrible with people.
Elliot: I'm warm.
Mr. Davis: You're very cold. I mean, your hands.... It's like you're a yeti.
Elliot: I have bad circulation. I do this all day and it doesn't help.
Mr. Davis: Listen, sweetie, you're a very efficient, competent doctor. But your exams... Do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion.
Mr. Davis: Oh, no. It's not an opinion. You see those guys right there? They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.

Quote from Elliot

Mr. Davis: I'm really uncomfortable.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
Mr. Davis: You're not gonna hug me, are you?
Elliot: Believe me, I'm done with all that.
Mr. Davis: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy-feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you.
Mr. Davis: I mean, that whole "kiss hello" thing.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex. And even then I don't want them to overdo it.
Mr. Davis: So where in Connecticut are you from?
Elliot: Greenwich. You?
Mr. Davis: Darien.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Our next patient is a 26-year-old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I never realized how hard rounds are on the patient. It feels like you're on display.
[fantasy: J.D. as Rodin's The Thinker as the doctors gather around:]
Dr. Kelso: Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder, why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym?
J.D.: I do cardio.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons, Carla. He's a pod person.

Quote from Turk

Turk: First, I already told her I got a girlfriend. Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear.
J.D.: How's it going? I'm-
Jennifer: J.D., I know. He won't stop talking about you. I'm Jennifer. Do you really spend every day saving children's lives?
Turk: Tell the nice lady.
J.D.: I do what I can.
Turk: It's on! It's on. It's on! It's on!
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, yeah.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I know two things about bars. One, they're always packed the week of Thanksgiving. And two, put a beer in my hand and I'm Mr. Smooth.
Jennifer: I was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of my nose. [all laugh]
J.D.: Well, I once tripped over an IV and blood shot over everyone. [silence] A little got on my nose. Every damn day, saving those children.
Turk: Who wants margaritas?!
J.D.: Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk hasn't changed a bit since college. He's the same goof ball who tells me how to be cooler.
Turk: Dude. This girl's hot. So try not to blow it.
J.D.: Why do you say that?
Turk: Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store. You never close.
J.D.: That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.
[fantasy: J.D. imagines Turk and a group of African-American laughing]

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: All right, showtime. Clear out so I can check him out.
J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me? I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
Elliot: [laughs] I've seen underwear before.
J.D.: Actually, I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Shortness of breath? Dizziness? Problems urinating?
J.D.: No, no, no... Is it a problem if it whistles?
Elliot: Oh, you're making this so much easier. Are you sexually active?
J.D.: Oh, it's active.
Elliot: All right, I'll write "rare dry spell" in the margin. OK, time for the physical.
J.D.: Ah. Cold hands.
Elliot: Suck it up!
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot's exam was frighteningly reminiscent of when my older brother beat the crap out of me.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: I'm still puking every hour and my fever's pretty high, but you're sure it's OK for me to be out of bed, right?
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Look, Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor. So don't do that annoying thing.
J.D.: What annoying thing?
Dr. Cox: When you talk.
J.D.: Come on.
Dr. Cox: See, there it is. How does that not drive you crazy?
J.D.: You get used to it.
Dr. Cox: I know you're all excited because you've got the gown on but at no time are you to curtsy.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here. Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
Carla: Not really.
J.D.: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
Carla: You mean Chicago?
J.D.: You have a Chicago? [off Carla's look] Be nice to me. I'm getting surgery.
Carla: Dr. Wen is the attending.
J.D.: Yeah, but who's the intern doing the work?
Turk: [singing] I get to cut you open I get to cut you open

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] I think it's a universal feeling to want to be there for a good friend. That's why from now on, I'm going to stop seeing Turk as my crazy frat brother.
Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk, if you will?
Turk: We'll mark for the incision right about here.
J.D.: [v.o.] After all, he's a highly trained, competent young doctor.
[fantasy: Turk is wearing a toga with a bear-can hat on his head:]
Turk: Dude! I'm about to bust a mad sliz-ice in your insides!
[reality:]
J.D.: Sir, I'd prefer if someone other than Dr. Turk performed the surgery.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: You understand, right?
Turk: Whatever, man.
J.D.: You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?
Turk: I can't believe you. I would never ever, ever do something like this to you. You're like school in July.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Turk: No class.
[fantasy: Turk and a group of African-American men laughing at the bar]

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: That was just exactly what I said this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, it sounded familiar.
Dr. Cox: Huh.
Dr. Kelso: What?
Dr. Cox: I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don't show?
Dr. Kelso: I wonder what bothers you the most? Is it that I saved his life and he likes me as a person? I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor. How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down? [licks lips]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Look, Elliot I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do, but...
[montage:]
Carla: [to J.D.] Here's what you should do.
Carla: [to Turk] Here's what I think.
Carla: [to Dr. Cox] Here's what your problem is.

Quote from Turk

Turk: The only thing J.D.'s scared of is sharks. And he has a weird thing with pennies, but that's it. He's not scared about this.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Most doctors don't believe in the out-of-body experience thing, and I don't know if it was real or a dream, but I swear I was up there watching Turk operate on me. And I have to say, he's an amazing surgeon.
Turk: Dude, could you not look over my shoulder while I'm doing this? It's a little unnerving.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Benson: You know, being back at this old place, you know the thing I have found to be the most disappointing?
Dr. Cox: Well, I think I can guess.
Dr. Benson: You. Well, probably because you do things like show up the Chief of Medicine, when anybody who's been in a room with Bob Kelso for more than two minutes knows how big an ass he is.
Dr. Cox: Hey, go easy, I just thought-
Dr. Benson: You don't think, Perry. You're such a talented doctor. If you played the game you'd be in a position where you could change things around here. But you're too stubborn for that, aren't you? All right, kid. Gin. Your deal.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Now, you can have ginger ale and a cracker.
J.D.: Ooh.
Turk: Oh, and I forgot. Your change. Two pennies.
J.D.: Get those pennies away from me.


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