Dr. Cox: [to the tune of Big Ben chimes] Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

Dr. Kelso: So, I have been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest x-ray was normal, his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well, now hold the phone there, skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean, give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say "Who gives a crap?" Actually, that wasn't half bad.

Carla: You better watch it, Bambi. You don't want a 100lb white girl mad at you. You'll flinch every time you hear a Range Rover.

J.D.: [v.o.] On the bright side, it'll be interesting to see what it feels like to be a patient.
Janitor: You know people die here? [bites apple]
J.D.: You're a good friend.
Janitor: [mouth full] Eh, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, did you get my memo reminding senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture. So I made a replica of you out of straw and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in neighborhood to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

Elliot: We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?
Mr. Davis: I'd say so.
Elliot: And as a doctor, you found me comforting, right?
Mr. Davis: God, no.
Elliot: Come on, I'm pretty good with people.
Mr. Davis: No, you're horrible with people.
Elliot: I'm warm.
Mr. Davis: You're very cold. I mean, your hands.... It's like you're a yeti.
Elliot: I have bad circulation. I do this all day and it doesn't help.
Mr. Davis: Listen, sweetie, you're a very efficient, competent doctor. But your exams... Do you examine everyone like that or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
Elliot: Well, I appreciate your opinion.
Mr. Davis: Oh, no. It's not an opinion. You see those guys right there? They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.

Mr. Davis: I'm really uncomfortable.
Elliot: I'm so sorry.
Mr. Davis: You're not gonna hug me, are you?
Elliot: Believe me, I'm done with all that.
Mr. Davis: If it'll make you feel better, I hate this whole touchy-feely culture anyway.
Elliot: Thank you.
Mr. Davis: I mean, that whole "kiss hello" thing.
Elliot: Yeah, I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex. And even then I don't want them to overdo it.
Mr. Davis: So where in Connecticut are you from?
Elliot: Greenwich. You?
Mr. Davis: Darien.

Dr. Kelso: Our next patient is a 26-year-old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I never realized how hard rounds are on the patient. It feels like you're on display.
[fantasy: J.D. as Rodin's The Thinker as the doctors gather around:]
Dr. Kelso: Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder, why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym?
J.D.: I do cardio.

Dr. Cox: Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons, Carla. He's a pod person.

Turk: First, I already told her I got a girlfriend. Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear.
J.D.: How's it going? I'm-
Jennifer: J.D., I know. He won't stop talking about you. I'm Jennifer. Do you really spend every day saving children's lives?
Turk: Tell the nice lady.
J.D.: I do what I can.
Turk: It's on! It's on. It's on! It's on!
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, yeah.