Elliot: I don't get it. I've run every single test. I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.
Dr. Cox: Did you run a d-u-h test?
Elliot: What's a D.U.H.?
Dr. Cox: Uh, duh! The guy is a drug addict trying to score painkillers.
Elliot: But he refused drugs.
Dr. Cox: My bad. He is a very clever drug addict. Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom, but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts who walk into hospitals every year with their aches and their pains and their spasms and their cramps and their myalgia and their neuralgia, and their otalgia or any other algia they can possibly think of just so they can get a fix.

Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I've decided I'd like to prescribe you something for the pain.
Mr. Thompson: Well, you know, that's your call.
Elliot: There's just one little problem.
Mr. Thompson: Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs, 'k, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle. I refused painkillers. I did the "You're the greatest doctor" bit, which I know you loved. Then somewhere between,getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth which, by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube, I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know if you're watching me" thing! So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor, why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me what the problem is, and say it!
Elliot: Um. I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work, and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.
Mr. Thompson: Oh. Awesome.

Dr. Cox: Check out Barbie, body-slamming big Bob. That a girl!
Elliot: Look, I have spent the last getting pushed around because I'm "Little Barbie from Connecticut." But there is a new toy in town, and her name is "Bitch Slap Barbie." From Connecticut.
Dr. Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor car without big daddy sitting right there beside you, because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed 4 macrolides and opiates, two medications that I guarantee you are going to make her nauseous.
Elliot: My patient is fine, and I don't need you- [vomiting sounds]
Dr. Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting. You may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Ooh. God? My brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.

Turk: You want my fiance, just go ahead and take her, 'cause she's been naggin' the crap out of me. "Pick up your socks, wash your dishes, stop whispering booyah to J.D. in the morning after we have sex."
J.D.: How else am I supposed to know?
Turk: I'm sayin'!

Elliot: Well, I believe in this guy.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to go out on a limb, sign him in, keep him overnight?
Elliot: You know, Dr. Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? You haven't done me! [walks away]
Dr. Cox: Give her a second there, gang.
Elliot: That didn't come out right.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Go!

Turk: How was mardi gras night?
[flashback:]
Carla: Ooh, come on.
J.D.: Enough beads. No more flashing.
Carla: More beads, damn it! Come on.
J.D.: Fine. [flashes, has beads thrown at him]
Carla: Bite me.
[present:]
Turk: Sounds pretty embarrassing.
J.D.: Only because Jasper becomes an innie when he gets nervous.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of clo-veritol?
Elliot: [stammers]
Dr. Cox: Oh, clo-veritol is a drug? Now, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have you know that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Elliot: What did the research for clo-veritol say, sir?
Dr. Kelso: When life's not fair at all, use clo-veritol.

J.D.: Yo, if you're captain out there today, pick me first, and then I'll be like, "Dude, we always play together." Then you can pick who you really want to pick, but everyone else will think you wanted to pick me first.
Turk: When do you think of this stuff?
J.D.: Every minute of every day.

Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts.
Dr. Kelso: Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, his doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated, I took off, but I have to say with Dr. Reid here, I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional.
Mr. Thompson: No. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.

Janitor: [v.o.] It's hard when you lose for the first time. It's even harder when it's the hundredth time.
Dr. Cox: Say it.
Elliot: You're always right.
Dr. Cox: I know! But it is still so nice to hear it.
Elliot: How did you know that he was lying?
Dr. Cox: Well, you said that he wasn't. And as a rule, I always take whatever you say and just go in the exact opposite direction with it. But, more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because well... Look it, medicine is all about experience. I mean, hell, would you... Would you like to go ahead and have a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?
Elliot: You?
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Elliot: Why didn't you say something earlier?
Dr. Cox: What, give up my front-row seat to Barbie's Wild Ride? "He's a drug addict. He's not a drug addict. You-make-me-doubt-my-self. You're more interested in being right than doing what's right! And I just couldn't take it. Can't take it anymore."