Janitor: You know, I'm not gonna have a kid until that genetic technology they're talking about is available for everyone.
Carla: So you want to pick the sex and eye color?
Janitor: No, gills. And when that day comes, it's goodbye hospital, hello father-son treasure hunting team.
Carla: Wow. Well, you better get cracking. What are you, like, 45?
Janitor: Forty-three. I know I look a little older, but that's just 'cause I drink and smoke heavily, and work with chemicals, and sleep on my face.
Carla: No hard feelings?
Janitor: OK. All right. I swear on my unborn fish-boy's life, she will pay.

Turk: So, when am I gonna get to meet Julie?
J.D.: Do I want her to meet Turk this soon? What if he doesn't like her?
Turk: What are you doing?
J.D.: I'm saying all my thoughts out loud so I don't mess this relationship up.
Turk: I don't understand.
J.D.: I forgot, sometimes Turk is slow.

Elliot: Oh, I remember my first exam with Dr. Matthews. He said, "You're healthy down there." And then I said, "Right back at you." And then there was this weird little awkward pause, so I said, "I like to keep a clean shop." And then he asked to see my insurance card.

J.D.: [v.o.] Behold Julie Quinn. [sings] Ahhh! [speaking] We fell for each other so swiftly, we decided to buy some property together. And build a deck on it.
J.D.: To our half acre.
Julie: Hey, look, the Clarks are home.
J.D.: [v.o.] Unfortunately, the Clarks felt if we weren't building a house, we weren't technically their neighbors.
J.D. & Julie: Hey, Clarks!
Buzz: Go to hell!
J.D.: OK. Hey, Buzz! I'm gonna beat you in poker next time.

Turk: Don't worry about it, Baby. We'll just keep trying. Remember that magazine I read about how important it is for the man to have a high-protein diet?
Carla: Turk, for the last time, you are not eating ribs while we do it.
Turk: You don't let me have no fun!

J.D.: [v.o.] There was sexual energy everywhere. For the women, it was due to the dashing new gynecologist, Dr.
Matthews.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, why would you need seven Pap smears in one month?
Jordan: I got a lot of Pap. Move your head so I can see.

J.D.: [v.o.] Julie and I had overslept, so we didn't have time for our usual seven solid minutes of lovemaking. We had to fake it.
Julie: Oh, yeah! Don't stop!
J.D.: Pull my hair! [squeals]
Julie: Shut up and take it, you stupid bitch!
J.D.: OK, well, we can stop there. Um, now it's time to ring the sex gong.
Julie: What?
J.D.: Turk and I got sex gongs in Chinatown. We're supposed to ring when one of us gets lucky. Even though I don't live with him, I like to think that somewhere he hears it and it makes him happy.
Julie: That's so funny.
[elsewhere, are J.D. rings the gong:]
Turk: Yeah, buddy! [laughs] That's my dawg!

Turk: Look, Julie, I'm very protective of J.D., so it's gonna take a lot to win me over.
Julie: J.D. wanted me to introduce you to my godfather.
Billy Dee Williams: Julie's a great girl.
Turk: [screams, laughs] Lando Calrissian! Come here. Come here.
Billy Dee Williams: You can call me Billy Dee.
Turk: Yes, Lando. Yes.

Elliot: Look, Julie, you already won Carla and me over because you're nice to J.D. And you won Jordan over, you bought the first round.
Carla: I got lemon drops!
Elliot: Oh, the last time I had one of those, I agreed to go on a date with a chick in my art history class. Mm-mm.
Jordan: Yeah, can we go somewhere less college-y? One of the boys here could be the baby I gave up in high school.

Dr. Cox: Well, look at what we have here. It is a visual representation of how alcohol affects different ages. We have the young.
Julie: Morning!
Dr. Cox: The slightly older.
Elliot: Please stop talking.
Dr. Cox: The slightly older still.
Carla: [mumbling]
Dr. Cox: And last, the very, very, very old. She is unconscious and virtually unwakeable. Witness. Jor-da-roo! Jor-da-licious! Jor-da-roni! Ha-ha!