Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso is always saying...
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it. Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.
J.D.: It's just that this isn't what I expected. Most of my patients are older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now, your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function. For the love of God, what?
J.D.: It's just, do you really think we should be talking about this in front of...
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down, Newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. You want some real advice? If they find out nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out so quick, it'll make your head spin.

Man: Nurse?
Elliot: I'm a doctor, okay? The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it?
Carla: Relax.
Elliot: I just hate it. I hate the "darlings", I hate the "sweethearts".
Carla: You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman here.
Elliot: Well, you're certainly furthering the cause by wearing a thong to work and hooking up in the on-call room. [screeching tires sound] Word gets around.
Carla: You talk like that, do you even know my name? I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom, so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good about something. And you judge me? Well, guess what? Word does get around, Ms. Out-For-Herself. So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.
J.D.: Her name's Carla, by the way.

Ted: Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her anything. [nervous chuckle]

J.D.: [v.o.] Come on, you've done this to cadavers before, so this guy's alive. Just poke it through his skin. Poke it through. Now!
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Time's up. Carla, will you do it for him? I'm also gonna need an AVG.
J.D.: Why are you telling her?
Dr. Cox: Shut up and watch.
Carla: Be nice to Bambi.
Dr. Cox: Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive. [thunder clap; v.o.:] Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old. He has full-blown dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is.
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [to the patient] Eisenhower was a sissy. I think by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

J.D.: [v.o.] And like that, I got a second wind.
Janitor: [high-pitched] I'm watching you.

J.D.: [v.o.] Look, I became a doctor to help people, but orientation yesterday, it didn't really focus on patient care.
[flashback:]
Ted: The hospital doesn't wanna be sued. Being sued is not a good thing.

Dr. Cox: Carla, can I ask you a personal question. Do you spray the perfume on or do you just fill your bathtub up with it at home and splash around in it?
Carla: I smell nice.