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38Quotes from ‘My First Day’

Scrubs: My First Day

101. My First Day

Aired October 2, 2001

J.D., Turk and Elliot begin their first day working at Sacred Heart Hospital.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
J.D.: Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, I was making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
J.D.: I was worried it could exacerbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I...
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Dr. Kelso is always saying...
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible, so I don't overstate it. Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.
J.D.: It's just that this isn't what I expected. Most of my patients are older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now, your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function. For the love of God, what?
J.D.: It's just. Do you really think we should be talking about this in front of...
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down, Newbie. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. You want some real advice? If they find out nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass will be kicked out so quick, it'll make your head spin.

Quote from Carla

Man: Nurse?
Elliot: I'm a doctor, okay? The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it?
Carla: Relax.
Elliot: I just hate it. I hate the "darlings", I hate the "sweethearts".
Carla: You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman here.
Elliot: Well, you're certainly furthering the cause by wearing a thong to work and hooking up in the on-call room. [screeching tires sound] Word gets around.
Carla: You talk like that, do you even know my name? I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom, so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good about something. And you judge me? Well, guess what? Word does get around, Ms. Out-For-Herself. So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.
J.D.: Her name's Carla, by the way.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her anything. [nervous chuckle]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] Come on, you've done this to cadavers before, so this guy's alive. Just poke it through his skin. Poke it through. Now!
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Time's up. Carla, will you do it for him? I'm also gonna need an AVG.
J.D.: Why are you telling her?
Dr. Cox: Shut up and watch.
Carla: Be nice to Bambi.
Dr. Cox: Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive. [thunder clap; v.o.:] Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old. He has blown dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is.
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [to the patient] Eisenhower was a sissy. I think by the grade of God, we're gonna be OK. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] And like that, I got a second wind.
Janitor: [high-pitched] I'm watching you.

Quote from Ted

J.D.: [v.o.] Look, I became a doctor to help people, but orientation yesterday, it didn't really focus on patient care.
[flashback:]
Ted: The hospital doesn't wanna be sued. Being sued is not a good thing.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Carla, can I ask you a personal question. Do you spray the perfume on or do you just fill your bathtub up with it at home and splash around in it?
Carla: I smell nice.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: I was paged.
Carla: Aw, first day, Bambi?
J.D.: Yeah.
Carla: Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
J.D.: Why?
[J.D. walks into a light fixture and falls to the ground]

Quote from Turk

Elliot: I'm Elliot.
Turk: [as E.T.] Ell-i-ot.
Elliot: Yeah, don't do that.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] "Why not?" That's what she said. "Why not?"
[fantasy scene: J.D. imagines himself and Elliot in a family sitcom on the TV in the break room:]
Boy: Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?
J.D.: Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds and she screwed my brains out. [audience laughter]
Boy: You're the man.
[After the boy walks away, Elliot rips open her top and climbs on J.D. The TV audience whoops. J.D. then imagines Dr. Cox wheeling a patient into the house.]
Dr. Cox: What the hell are you doing?
[record scratches; reality]

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you?
[later:]
Nurse Roberts: He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism. No way anyone could've caught it. Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
J.D.: Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts: Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: OK, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine, so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we're a family here. Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: So, the surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
J.D.: The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament. Apparently, we're all twelve.
Elliot: I love Pac-Man.
J.D.: Me, too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, every male in my family is a doctor. My dad, my grandad, my brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name, made me play sports, and date girls. Joking.
J.D.: I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.
Elliot: Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
J.D.: [v.o.] Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
J.D.: No, you don't.
Elliot: I'm probably Miss "Hyper-Competitive." I mean, it used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.
J.D.: Hey, are we, like, racing?
Elliot: Yes!

Quote from Turk

Carla: Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen.
J.D.: [v.o.] I wonder if Turk is having the same experience I am?
Turk: I am such a stud.
J.D.: Probably not.
Turk: This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest. I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that. [to Carla] Wassup?
J.D.: And you weren't scared?
Turk: One way or another, everyone stops bleeding. That is so deep.
Carla: No, it isn't.
Turk: It's a little deep.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: J.D., this is my man Todd.
Todd: What's goin'
J.D.: [v.o.] And just like that, I was back in high school. You see, surgical interns, they're all slice 'em and dice 'em.
Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body. Diagnose, test. And medical interns, well...
Todd: You got a stain.
J.D.: [v.o.] We're the chess club.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Kelso: Welcome to rounds, kids.
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. She is my dream girl.
Dr. Kelso: The necrosis and infected stool most likely indicate what, Dr. Dorian?
[fantasy: J.D. is wearing antlers on a dark road as he's caught in the headlights of a trailer-truck]
Elliot: [whispers] I don't know.
J.D.: Sir, I have no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
Elliot: I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.
[fantasy: J.D., wearing the antlers, is knocked down by the trailer-truck]
Dr. Kelso: That's my girl. Patient number two.
J.D.: [mocking] "Superior mesenteric"

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You're worried about being on call tonight.
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Look, worst-case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life. But that is the absolute worst-case scenario. Come on, Newbie. Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which is everything, and if you have a really rough admission...
J.D.: Call you?
Dr. Cox: No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] I don't get it. If he's the jerk, then who's the good guy? [pager beeps]
Carla: Car accident. Crashed on the way up.
Dr. Cox: You gotta relieve the pressure on his chest. J.D., do it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, God, no.
Dr. Cox: Look at me. You can do this.
J.D.: [v.o.] And I believed him. [high-pitched, out loud] Chest tube tray. [v.o.] You know, kind of.
Dr. Cox: Come on, baby, let's go. Chop. Chop.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can do this. You have to do this.
Dr. Cox: J.D., cut him or lose him.
J.D.: Okay, give me the tube. I can't get through the pleura.
Dr. Cox: Well, don't be gentle, get it in there.
J.D.: Okay, connect it, please, Carla.
Carla: Normal rhythm.
J.D.: No way!
Dr. Cox: See, it's a piece of cake. It's your patient.
J.D.: You're leaving?
Dr. Cox: That's your patient, doctor.
[Dr. Cox goes to pat J.D. on the shoulder and thinks the better of it]

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] You see, I can't survive on my own.
Dr. Jeffrey Steadman: I'm a dork. A dork. I'm a dork.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even now, when I get to go home, I'll know the hospital's still here, wide awake.
Carla: Bambi, get out while you still can.
J.D.: [v.o.] But what the hell. The important thing is I got through my first three days without looking like a complete idiot. [walks into glass door, falls to the ground] I'm the man.


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