Carla: Yo, who taught you how to fight like that?
Elliot: When you grow up in an orchard, you don't have much choice. Apple thieves.

Carla: Dr. Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient in 310? The guy was in some bar fight and has been unconscious since he got here. He was brought in by some brother from Ireland.
Turk: Do you mean an Irish brother or an Irish brother?
[fantasy: Turk is decked out in green with ginger hair and a ginger beard as he does an Irish jig in front of a group of fair-skinned ladies:]
Turk: Top of the mizzle to ya, me lizzles.
[reality:]
Carla: I mean his sibling.
J.D.: Aw, man.

Dr. Cox: What, uh, what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
Jordan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the 'frigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're twenty years old. Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys. Although I did move them into my new pajama closet! And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore.

Elliot: Carla thinks she's so tough, you know? She's "been around the block." She's "from the block." Enough about the block! It's not my fault my family had an orchard.

Dr. Cox: You look so hot. When's the last time we kissed?
Jordan: About a month ago.
Dr. Cox: When's the last time we had sex?
Jordan: Yesterday.
Dr. Cox: What do you say we head into the bathroom of this place and lower the health code rating from an A to a B? What do you say?

J.D.: The epi isn't working, I still don't have a rhythm. The transcutaneous pacer isn't capturing. Pupils are fixed and dilated. I'm calling it. Time of death: 9:17.
Jerry: I always thought that when I died I'd see a bright light or float above the ground. Turns out death is pretty mundane. I guess sometimes the end is just the end.
J.D.: For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead! Okay? Now go back to your room. [to Turk] Jerry has Cotard's or "Walking Corpse Syndrome". The guy thinks he's dead even though he's walking around.

J.D.: And you must be the Irish brother.
Billy: [American accent] No, sir. Ron Pearson, Ohio born and bred. Yep, red-stater and proud of it.
Turk: Oh, sorry, we-
Billy: [Irish accent] Only takin' the piss out of you, lads. Name's Billy Calahan. Had you goin' with the American accent, though, didn't I? I'll just put it out there, do it as a favor, is there any chance I could get one of these filled with Guinness? I've an awful hangover. Me head is split. We had a late night last night, as you can see, and I'm a bit shaky. Is there any chance?
J.D.: Probably not. We don't usually do that.
Billy: Oh.

Jordan: And why are you limping?
Dr. Cox: Fishing. I'm limping from fishing.
Dr. Kelso: I know that limp.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Bob, no.
Dr. Kelso: You just got a vasectomy. I had mine done back in '68. Ironically, that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you to what I like to call the "seedless grapes club." But still.

Dr. Cox: Jordan? Jordan, why aren't you more upset about this? I, honest to God, I don't get it. I mean, normally you'd go to your mother's for a bitch refresher course, and then you'd come right back here just swinging for the fences.
Jordan: You know what, I'd love to stay and chat, but if we're late for ballet, Jack won't get a spot by the bathroom and then he'll pee in his tights.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, my son is taking is taking ballet? Come on, Jordan, he's already got an overbearing mother and a fairly prominent lisp. If we stick him in the tights, well, we might as well just go ahead and get him a timeshare on Fire Island.
Jordan: Oh, I haven't even decided if I'm gonna make him gay yet.