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38Quotes from ‘My Kingdom’

Scrubs: My Kingdom

219. My Kingdom

Aired March 27, 2003

When J.D. takes a surgery elective, he wants to fit in with Turk's colleagues. Meanwhile, Elliot accidentally takes her relationship with Paul to another level, and Dr. Cox gets his own back after Dr. Kelso refuses to replace an old computer in the hospital.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: I have no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about handsome? Or glorious?
Dr. Cox: And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that and the little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend. And by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep. And I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.

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Quote from Janitor

J.D.: I told you you had nothing to saw.
Janitor: Oh, really? [cut's J.D.'s arm off]
J.D.: Ow, man, give it back.
Janitor: All right. Just tell me why you're hitting yourself. Hmm. Why are you doing that?
[reality:]
Janitor: You ever get the feeling we're thinking the same thing?
J.D.: No.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You see that, that right there? That has never happened to me. A hot girl has never asked to buy me a drink. [to the bartender] Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.
Bartender: No problem, lady.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Nurse Roberts: You know the deal around here. If it barely works, it's not going to get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? Oh! Somebody stop me!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dr. Kelso, I was able to locate the discharge form you wanted.
Dr. Kelso: She's a beauty, isn't she, Ted? My pride and joy. I just had her varnished, so don't touch. [Ted touches] Here, hand it over. [paper rips] Ted, you're a simpleton.
Ted: That's funny. Because I thought I was rubber and you were glue.
Dr. Kelso: Idiot.
Ted: Boing flip.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobcat. Welcome back. Look it, this whole thing was a joke that, admittedly, got a little out of hand.
In the meantime, this blank check ought to cover the damage.
Dr. Kelso: A joke? You think it's funny they already gave away my parking spot? You think it's funny that one of the surgeons paid his dwarf cousin, Lance, $200 to show up at rounds and sing Ding-Dong, Kelso's Dead?
Dr. Cox: And there it is.
Dr. Kelso: There what is?
Dr. Cox: This whole l-don't-care-what-people-think-about-me act. It's pretty convincing. But methinks there's a sad little cartoon boy living inside the hairy beast. And he's sad because, at the end of the day, he realizes the only thing people think is what an evil son-of-a-bitch he really is. See you later, Bobigator.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, if this check bounces, I'm coming for you. How you doing, Ted?
[Ted waves to Dr. Kelso and then faints]

Quote from Ted

Carla: You're gonna get in so much trouble for this.
Dr. Cox: It's a joke. No one's going to believe Kelso actually died.
[montage:]
Ted: [laughs]
Todd: I don't know if I should be alone tonight. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]
Nurse Roberts: He's with Jesus now. Tough break, big guy.
Todd: Wow. [puts arm around nurse]
Ted: [laughs]

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: Principal Bob, you called?
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem. Either way, second floor desperately needs a new computer.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass.
Ted: Boing flip.
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: I was talking about U2 the band. You know what? It's fine. He probably thinks I was saying it the way you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not going to be a problem.
Ted: [clears throat] We have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers. [laughs] That name is funny. This is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted, everybody knows. TV themes.
Ted: That's old news, doll face, we do commercial jingles now.
Ted's band: [singing] The best part of waking up Is Elliot in your cup [bass] In your cup
Elliot: That's it?
Ted's band By Mennen

Quote from Ted

J.D.: Hey, T-Dog, who are we slicing and dicing today?
Turk: Well, J-Dog, I don't know who you're slicing and dicing. I assigned you to another surgeon.
J.D.: What? Why?
Ted's band: [singing] You deserve Ted's band today So get up and get away
J.D.: Ted, you guys suck.
Ted's band: Boing, flip

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Take a picture! Take a picture! And you better smile this time.
Carla: You guys look so cute.
J.D.: Carla, do you think you could cut these for me? I've been working out so much, these things are choking off my pythons. You know?
J.D.: Yeah, I wouldn't do that. At the end of the week, you gotta return these bad boys to... Janine.
J.D.: Janine's built like a bear. She curled me once.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Dude, you OK? You're acting weirder than the time we saw Pat Benatar at Starbucks.
J.D.: How amazing was that morning?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder lately.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, talking to the computer, but nice self-esteem.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Paul: Hey, cowboy. How about you back off the little lady and we'll all agree you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Listen there, Flowers, I know that your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really, but if you're going to have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, then, gosh, you two aren't gonna have any time for that sweet Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, toe-heads.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Should I file my Bell Biv DeVoe CD under B for Bell Biv or under D for DeVoe?
Paul: Yeah, I don't know why you let Dr. Cox push you around like that.
Elliot: Hey, do you notice that you're always telling me what to do? I mean, in a good way.
Paul: Nuh-uh.
Elliot: Then how come I'm growing my bangs out and wearing a thong?
Paul: Because you look better without the bangs. And the thong, well, that's not up to me, that's the law, Missy.
Elliot: [laughs] Yeah, not now. You know I don't like kissing while I'm alphabetizing.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: What you got there?
Janitor: New circular saw. Just bought it. Four horsepower, 3,500 rpms, titanium finger guard.
J.D.: Why would you need a saw in a hospital?
Janitor: Why would an old hen need a banjo?
J.D.: Why does an old hen need a banjo?
Janitor: Why would I buy a saw if I had no stuff to cut?
J.D.: You wouldn't. That'd be crazy.
Janitor: Exactly. [J.D. bites into a wrapper] You need some help with that?
J.D.: No, thank you, I'm fine.
Janitor: Dammit. [bites hangnail] No, that'd be crazy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Nurse: What's that all about?
Dr. Cox: I'm afraid Dr. Kelso has passed away.
Nurse: [gasps]

Quote from Todd

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I told the surgeons about your ballet.
Turk: I don't give a crap what these clowns think. Todd camped out in a wizard outfit to see the last Harry Potter movie.
Todd: Dude, you swore you wouldn't tell. We even high-fived on it.
Turk: Todd, we high-five on everything.
Todd: That's such a lame excuse. I'm totally pissed at you. High five.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Man, ever since college you always make everything seem so easy. No matter where you are, you always fit in. I don't know, I guess I thought with this surgery elective, it might be nice not to feel like a total dork.
Turk: J.D., look at me. You are a dork.
J.D.: Not all the time.
Turk: Every second since the moment I met you.
[flashback montage:]
J.D.: Hey, I'm J.D. I am so stoked to be your roommate. Right on.
J.D.: What are you talking about? You said hoops were cool. Hey, baby. Champag-nee?
J.D.: Med-school chicks love ventriloquists. [as dummy] He's right, they do.
J.D.: Tannest intern, baby. And it comes in a bottle.
J.D.: Appletini, please. Easy on the tini.


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