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40Quotes from ‘My Absence’

Scrubs: My Absence

809. My Absence

Aired February 10, 2009

Turk doesn't get the reaction he was hoping for when he reveals that Carla is pregnant. When Dr. Cox asks Carla to stay late with a comatose patient, he's surprised when she leaves the man in the hands of an intern. Meanwhile, Elliot misses J.D. when he takes the day off.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Moving on to our next patient. Mr. Francone has been in a coma for well over a year. His organs are starting to fail, and he probably won't be with us very much longer. The most important thing to remember during his final hours here on earth is do not ever come to me and ask me questions about how to treat him. He's a potato. If you do, my answer will always be the same. Sour cream, chives, and if I haven't had any protein that day, maybe just a sprinkling of some of those bacon bits. Oh, my God. His hand. It- It moved. Kidding. [whispers] The man's a potato.

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Quote from Elliot

Denise: Um, Dr. Reid, no offense, but have you been drinking?
Elliot: Oh, no. I read that shampooing with beer is good for your hair. So I'm all sudsed up in the shower this morning, and the hot water dies, so now I've gotta spend the entire day smelling like a brewery, because there is no way that I'm going to rinse off with ice water. You see, this dress only works without a bra, so if I get cold, it looks like I'm smuggling candy corns.

Quote from Denise

Denise: That old broad and her dead husband got my engine revving, too. I need some action. Luckily, cheeseburger day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Elliot: Denise likes the big fellas.
Denise: Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman. Ooh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond. Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment, and they try so hard in the sack.
Elliot: Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Denise: Mm. Well, I'm just gonna put this out here for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Peggy was a sweet old bird.
Elliot: She only had pneumonia.
Dr. Kelso: She and her husband were together for 50 years. Sometimes in those cases, it's not the illness that gets you. I mean, your soul mate's gone, and your body just gives up. I actually think it's kind of sweet.
Elliot: I don't know. If I ever get married [crosses fingers, and my husband dies before me [crosses fingers], I'm sure that I'll have enough going on in my own life that I'll want to keep on living, you know?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just some quality crap you're spewing there. You've been moping around here all day just because Dorian's been gone, what, 12 hours? And I'm guessing you didn't hear a word I just said because you're busy looking at your telephone to see if he has texted you in the last five minutes. Did he?
Elliot: Yes. "Thinking of you."
Dr. Kelso: See? And there's the smile. You see, you're no different from Peggy.
Elliot: What are you saying, that if J.D. Died, I would just die right afterwards?
Dr. Kelso: Well, I could only hope. But my point is, don't stand there being judgmental about her when you're no different.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Kelso's right. J.D.'s gone, and I'm miserable. I used to be such a strong, independent woman. Did you know, once, I actually changed the oil in my car all by myself? Saved 30 bucks.
Denise: Cool.
Carla: Yeah, unfortunately, I dumped the dirty, old oil into a storm drain. The Department of Fish and Wildlife fined me 1,400 bucks and declared me an "Enemy of the Ocean", whatever the hell that means.

Quote from Denise

Dr. Kelso: So just call him already. You know you want to.
Elliot: No. I don't want to end up being an old lady who's so dependent on her partner that she just croaks right after he does.
Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. The only way I'm going to die after him Is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on. Rudy! Upstairs.
Dr. Kelso: God help me, I like that crazy bitch.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I just feel like something's been weighing me down all day. I mean, sure, I was in the x-ray room a couple of hours ago, and when I left, I totally forgot to take off the lead vest, but... It's off now, and the weight's still there. I mean, it's not as bad, but it's pretty bad. [sighs] it just sucks, you know?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: What is your problem?
Carla: My husband's telling everybody that I'm pregnant with our first child.
Dr. Cox: Carla, if you're gonna get upset every time your husband does something stupid, then you're going to be upset every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day-
Carla: Stop.
Dr. Cox: I was prepared to go to century, but that's not why I'm here.

Quote from Denise

Dr. Cox: Hello. If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke. Denise.
Denise: Mm, I don't really have one.
Dr. Cox: No, I meant that you were the joke.
Denise: Oh. Good one.
Dr. Cox: Thanks. I thought of it this morning while I was watching you try to jam a catheter Into Mr. Hazleton.
Denise: Yeah, he was a screamer.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: J.D.! I've got news! J.D.! Where are you, friend? You seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini vacation, and it isn't just today. He's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off, but not anymore. I am coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running Into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Sunny: Dr. Cox, two quick things. First off, I looked up a picture of Sonny Bono, and my feelings are very, very hurt.
Dr. Cox: Noted.
Sunny: Apology accepted. Second, I know we're aren't supposed to ask you About Mr. Francone-
Dr. Cox: Huh?
Sunny: The potato.
Dr. Cox: Right.
Sunny: See, the thing is, his sister just called from London, and she was hoping we could keep Mr. Francone - the potato - alive until she got here. Can you please help?
Dr. Cox: Let me see his chart. I'll tell you what to do first. Go ahead and write this down. Wrap him in foil and poke holes in him with a fork so he cooks all the way through.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Send Peggy for an ABG and a chest CT. , And when you're done, send her sputum for atypicals.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, you do realize that you don't work here anymore?
Dr. Kelso: Look, her husband was an old friend. Plus, I have forgotten more about medicine than you two will ever know. I don't know you, but I assume I have you beat because you're blonde and you're rolling with Dr.
Reeks-of-beer.
Elliot: It's my hair, okay?
Denise: Yeah, and watch the lip, grandpa, because you wouldn't be the first old man I ever beat up.
Dr. Kelso: Ha! I like her. She's got girl balls.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Gooch and I are gonna hold off on the babies. We've only known each other a week. Plus, with all the cycling, apparently I've done a real number on my sperm. Mine don't have any tails. They're just kinda blobs that roll from place to place.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: You eatin' lunch?
Dr. Kelso: What gave it away?
Elliot: J.D. and I usually eat lunch together.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, god, here it comes.
Elliot: J.D. was sitting in that exact chair when we had our third kiss.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's very romantic. I will try not to drill any more farts into it.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, Sunny, how'd it go last night?
Sunny: Great.
Carla: Thank God.
Sunny: I mean, he crashed a few times, but I brought him back. I mean, really, the only scary moment was when he seized while I was injecting him with dopamine. The needle slipped, and I accidentally stabbed myself with it, but I only freaked out for a second until I remembered that comas aren't contagious. And then the dopamine kicked in, which actually made the whole night more enjoyable, but now I'm sort of jonesing for another hit. Is that bad?
Carla: Let's go downstairs and get you some juice.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [on cell phone] You sound upset. What's wrong?
Elliot: I don't wanna get into it.
J.D.: You know what I do when I need to clear my head? I just let my mind drift and fantasize about stuff.
Elliot: Yeah, I've noticed. [silence] J.D.? J.D., you're fantasizing right now, aren't you?
J.D.: That's why you should never trust a camel.
Elliot: [laughs]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Hey, man, I wanted to warn you. Stay clear of my girlfriend. The gooch does not like being lied to.
Turk: I'm pretty sure I can handle it, Ted.
Ted: Why did you lie about that being your first kid, anyway?
Turk: 'cause when Carla told me about the new baby, I didn't get that crazy, excited feeling I got when I heard about Izzy. I'm an idiot.
Ted: Nah, it's just your second kid. Look, I don't know if you noticed, but I've been kinda, like, jazzed about this being my first girlfriend. You know, it's new and exciting. But when she dumps me - And believe me, it's coming like a freight train - I'll try to find a new gal, and if I do, it probably won't have that initial excitement that the first one did. [laughs) But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be great, 'cause, I mean, I'd be having a second girlfriend. Yeah. Does this have anything to do with your situation?
Turk: Kinda.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Whose room is this?
Dr. Cox: Kelso's dead friend.
Carla: Oh, yeah, that old biddy. You see? I never used to say stuff like that.
Dr. Cox: You know, death doesn't bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller. I still actually enjoy it.
Carla: I abandoned an intern who was just trying to keep her patient alive so his sister could say good-bye.
Dr. Cox: Look, sooner or later, everybody in this place stops caring about hopeless, terminally ill, brain-dead coma patients and interns who want to save the world. You somehow managed to hang on quite a bit longer than the rest of us. Carla, you are a wonderful nurse. You got a husband, plus you got a kid, plus you got another kid coming. It was completely unfair of me to expect more of you than anyone else in this dump. And brace yourself, 'cause here it comes. I, Percival Ulysses Cox, am sorry.
Carla: "Ulysses"?
Dr. Cox: Shh, shh, shh.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: I thought it would be different this time with J.D. I didn't think I'd let myself get so vulnerable.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's dumb. Relationships are about taking a leap of faith. That's why it's called "jumping in." Now Dorian seems to make you happy. God knows why. Isn't that enough?

Quote from J.D.

[Elliot is talking to J.D. on her cell phone as she walks through the hospital]
J.D.: [on cell phone] I get why it wigged you out. At the end of the day, relationships are tricky.
Elliot: Uh, please don't do that whole philosophical, pontificating thing.
J.D.: Okay.
Elliot: Fine. Go ahead.
J.D.: Thanks. Things are always different the second time around.
Turk: You are about to be a big sister, Izzy. Yes, you are.
J.D.: You just have to remember that even if things are changing all around you, deep down you're still the same person.
Elliot: [scoffs] I guess.


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