Denise: Um, Dr. Reid, no offense, but have you been drinking?
Elliot: Oh, no. I read that shampooing with beer is good for your hair. So I'm all sudsed up in the shower this morning, and the hot water dies, so now I've gotta spend the entire day smelling like a brewery, because there is no way that I'm going to rinse off with ice water. You see, this dress only works without a bra, so if I get cold, it looks like I'm smuggling candy corns.

Denise: That old broad and her dead husband got my engine revving, too. I need some action. Luckily, cheeseburger day at the caf really brings out the fatties.
Elliot: Denise likes the big fellas.
Denise: Oh, check out the ripples on that gentleman. Ooh, it's like somebody threw a boulder in a pond. Fat dudes rule. They never expect commitment, and they try so hard in the sack.
Elliot: Plus, they're just so grateful afterwards.
Denise: Mm. Well, I'm just gonna put this out here for bait and see what ambles out of the forest.

Dr. Kelso: Peggy was a sweet old bird.
Elliot: She only had pneumonia.
Dr. Kelso: She and her husband were together for 50 years. Sometimes in those cases, it's not the illness that gets you. I mean, your soul mate's gone, and your body just gives up. I actually think it's kind of sweet.
Elliot: I don't know. If I ever get married [crosses fingers, and my husband dies before me [crosses fingers], I'm sure that I'll have enough going on in my own life that I'll want to keep on living, you know?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just some quality crap you're spewing there. You've been moping around here all day just because Dorian's been gone, what, 12 hours? And I'm guessing you didn't hear a word I just said because you're busy looking at your telephone to see if he has texted you in the last five minutes. Did he?
Elliot: Yes. "Thinking of you."
Dr. Kelso: See? And there's the smile. You see, you're no different from Peggy.
Elliot: What are you saying, that if J.D. Died, I would just die right afterwards?
Dr. Kelso: Well, I could only hope. But my point is, don't stand there being judgmental about her when you're no different.

Elliot: Kelso's right. J.D.'s gone, and I'm miserable. I used to be such a strong, independent woman. Did you know, once, I actually changed the oil in my car all by myself? Saved 30 bucks.
Denise: Cool.
Carla: Yeah, unfortunately, I dumped the dirty, old oil into a storm drain. The Department of Fish and Wildlife fined me 1,400 bucks and declared me an "Enemy of the Ocean", whatever the hell that means.

Dr. Kelso: So just call him already. You know you want to.
Elliot: No. I don't want to end up being an old lady who's so dependent on her partner that she just croaks right after he does.
Denise: I wish I was emotionally healthy enough to love someone so much that I died after they did. I was with that dude last night. The only way I'm going to die after him Is if he had a heart attack while he was on top of me. Crap, I just turned myself on. Rudy! Upstairs.
Dr. Kelso: God help me, I like that crazy bitch.

Dr. Cox: Moving on to our next patient. Mr. Francone has been in a coma for well over a year. His organs are starting to fail, and he probably won't be with us very much longer. The most important thing to remember during his final hours here on earth is do not ever come to me and ask me questions about how to treat him. He's a potato. If you do, my answer will always be the same. Sour cream, chives, and if I haven't had any protein that day, maybe just a sprinkling of some of those bacon bits. Oh, my God. His hand. It- It moved. Kidding. [whispers] The man's a potato.

Elliot: I just feel like something's been weighing me down all day. I mean, sure, I was in the x-ray room a couple of hours ago, and when I left, I totally forgot to take off the lead vest, but... It's off now, and the weight's still there. I mean, it's not as bad, but it's pretty bad. [sighs] it just sucks, you know?

Dr. Cox: What is your problem?
Carla: My husband's telling everybody that I'm pregnant with our first child.
Dr. Cox: Carla, if you're gonna get upset every time your husband does something stupid, then you're going to be upset every second of every minute, every minute of every hour, every hour of every day, every day-
Carla: Stop.
Dr. Cox: I was prepared to go to century, but that's not why I'm here.

Dr. Cox: Hello. If it's all right with everyone, I'd like to begin this morning's rounds with a joke. Denise.
Denise: Mm, I don't really have one.
Dr. Cox: No, I meant that you were the joke.
Denise: Oh. Good one.
Dr. Cox: Thanks. I thought of it this morning while I was watching you try to jam a catheter Into Mr. Hazleton.
Denise: Yeah, he was a screamer.

Turk: J.D.! I've got news! J.D.! Where are you, friend? You seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini vacation, and it isn't just today. He's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off, but not anymore. I am coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running Into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.