Denise: That little stunt you pulled with Trang? Not cool. I needed him for real hospital work.
Dr. Cox: Having him move my car, I'll have you know, was hospital work of the highest order.
Denise: That's exactly what Trang needed. Driving back and forth in the parking lot, reinforcing every stereotype of Asian drivers. Look, you're the one who put me with the med students, so don't undermine me.
Who's in charge of 'em, you or me?
Dr. Cox: I am in charge of you, and by the transitive property, anybody you're in charge of I'm also in charge of. You see, I'm the boss around here. I pretty much do whatever I want. For instance, I can use the intercom to whistle. Any loose change, automatically mine. And I never have to buy chocolate bars from any of my colleagues' awful children to support their horrible school band. I can do whatever I want, and you just have to stand and nod, like the sweet-mouthed little man-boy monkey toy that you truly are. [coin drops] Mine.

Dr. Cox: Well, then, Bobbo, I figured out what's causing the fainting.
Dr. Kelso: Men don't faint.We take unintended decisive naps.
Dr. Cox: It's just vagal syncope. Nothing to worry about.
Dr. Kelso: That's a relief. So just fill my prescription for blue steel and I'll be on my way.
Dr. Cox: There is one other thing. Unfortunately, given your age and your current insurance regulations, they're not gonna let you drive anymore.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's crazy! I'm a great driver.
[flashback to Kelso eating, reading a newspaper and answering his phone as he drives:]
Dr. Kelso: Hey, what's up? [horn honks] Nothin'. Ah, I was about to grab some yogurt. [tires squeal]
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Ah, I guess I can bum rides. Well, it's good, actually. You don't know how many times I've been out late and had to pass on that seventh drink. No more Mr. Responsible!

Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Cox: Number One, I need you to prep some forms for Dr. Kelso, get the notes for today's lecture out of my office, and set my DVR to record Big Bang Theory. The whole world is watching this thing, and I've got to know why.

Dr. Cox: Hey, talking man baby, come here. I am parked in the 10-minute parking zone.
Trang: You want me to move your car?
Dr. Cox: No. I love the space. What I want you to do is to pull out of and then back into the space every ten minutes. If you get bored, here's a ball and a half a deck of cards.

Lucy: [v.o.] I didn't envy Trang. At some point, we'd all been caught between Dr. Mahoney and Dr. Cox, and it felt like being in a pinball machine.
[fantasy: Trang bounces around the ward like a pinball]
Lucy: [v.o.] And it always ended the same way, with Dr. Cox winning.

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I told you you can't be coming up in here stealing all the gauze. I mean, are you building a giant gauze ball? 'cause if you are, I want in. It's on my bucket list.
Dr. Kelso: Actually, I'm here for a medical reason. I had a bit of a scare while I was playing a game of Scattergories with my niece.
Asian Woman: You're still on the clock.
Dr. Kelso: She means the Scattergories clock. She's very competitive. Anyway, I got a little bit light-headed, so we're gonna run some tests.

Turk: I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I, uh, I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was... Well, it was diabetes. That's a bad example. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Cole: Oh, what up, Dr. T.?
Turk: Okay, today, as part of your practical doctoring class, you will be conducting physical exams on one another for the first time. Cole, put your pants back on.
Cole: Oh, my bad. I thought this was going somewhere totally different.
Turk: People, I said it day one. I can't teach you without your pants on.

Turk: While doing these exams, some of you may experience something we like to call med student syndrome. It's a common condition where med students think they have the disease they're studying. All right, what I want you all to do now, though, is partner up with the person next to you and get it crackin'.

Dr. Kelso: I really appreciate you taking time to check me out.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna take care of ya, but first, as you know, we gotta knock out one of these patient histories, and we both know how weird these can get.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, deeply, deeply weird.
Dr. Cox: What do you say we just dive right in? Are you currently taking any medications? Have you had sex with multiple partners? You exercising regularly? And have you traveled outside the United States In the last couple months?
Dr. Kelso: Yes. Hell, yes. Uh, yes, I go to the bathroom ten times a day, which for me is cardio.
Dr. Cox: Naturally.
Dr. Kelso: I recently flew to Bangkok, but I didn't actually get off the plane.
Dr. Cox: Right.