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‘Our Driving Issues’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Scrubs: Our Driving Issues

912. Our Driving Issues

Aired March 10, 2010

After Dr. Kelso and Cole both get bad news, they learn that letting the people you care about know how you feel is the key to them being there for you during the hard times. Meanwhile, Drew is caught between Dr. Cox and Denise.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Denise: That little stunt you pulled with Trang? Not cool. I needed him for real hospital work.
Dr. Cox: Having him move my car, I'll have you know, was hospital work of the highest order.
Denise: That's exactly what Trang needed. Driving back and forth in the parking lot, reinforcing every stereotype of Asian drivers. Look, you're the one who put me with the med students, so don't undermine me.
Who's in charge of 'em, you or me?
Dr. Cox: I am in charge of you, and by the transitive property, anybody you're in charge of I'm also in charge of. You see, I'm the boss around here. I pretty much do whatever I want. For instance, I can use the intercom to whistle. Any loose change, automatically mine. And I never have to buy chocolate bars from any of my colleagues' awful children to support their horrible school band. I can do whatever I want, and you just have to stand and nod, like the sweet-mouthed little man-boy monkey toy that you truly are. [coin drops] Mine.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Well, then, Bobbo, I figured out what's causing the fainting.
Dr. Kelso: Men don't faint.We take unintended decisive naps.
Dr. Cox: It's just vagal syncope. Nothing to worry about.
Dr. Kelso: That's a relief. So just fill my prescription for blue steel and I'll be on my way.
Dr. Cox: There is one other thing. Unfortunately, given your age and your current insurance regulations, they're not gonna let you drive anymore.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, that's crazy! I'm a great driver.
[flashback to Kelso eating, reading a newspaper and answering his phone as he drives:]
Dr. Kelso: Hey, what's up? [horn honks] Nothin'. Ah, I was about to grab some yogurt. [tires squeal]
[present:]
Dr. Kelso: Ah, I guess I can bum rides. Well, it's good, actually. You don't know how many times I've been out late and had to pass on that seventh drink. No more Mr. Responsible!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Drew: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Cox: Number One, I need you to prep some forms for Dr. Kelso, get the notes for today's lecture out of my office, and set my DVR to record Big Bang Theory. The whole world is watching this thing, and I've got to know why.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, talking man baby, come here. I am parked in the 10-minute parking zone.
Trang: You want me to move your car?
Dr. Cox: No. I love the space. What I want you to do is to pull out of and then back into the space every ten minutes. If you get bored, here's a ball and a half a deck of cards.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: [v.o.] I didn't envy Trang. At some point, we'd all been caught between Dr. Mahoney and Dr. Cox, and it felt like being in a pinball machine.
[fantasy: Trang bounces around the ward like a pinball]
Lucy: [v.o.] And it always ended the same way, with Dr. Cox winning.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: Dr. Kelso, I told you you can't be coming up in here stealing all the gauze. I mean, are you building a giant gauze ball? 'cause if you are, I want in. It's on my bucket list.
Dr. Kelso: Actually, I'm here for a medical reason. I had a bit of a scare while I was playing a game of Scattergories with my niece.
Asian Woman: You're still on the clock.
Dr. Kelso: She means the Scattergories clock. She's very competitive. Anyway, I got a little bit light-headed, so we're gonna run some tests.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I, uh, I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was... Well, it was diabetes. That's a bad example. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Quote from Cole

Cole: Oh, what up, Dr. T.?
Turk: Okay, today, as part of your practical doctoring class, you will be conducting physical exams on one another for the first time. Cole, put your pants back on.
Cole: Oh, my bad. I thought this was going somewhere totally different.
Turk: People, I said it day one. I can't teach you without your pants on.

Quote from Turk

Turk: While doing these exams, some of you may experience something we like to call med student syndrome. It's a common condition where med students think they have the disease they're studying. All right, what I want you all to do now, though, is partner up with the person next to you and get it crackin'.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I really appreciate you taking time to check me out.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna take care of ya, but first, as you know, we gotta knock out one of these patient histories, and we both know how weird these can get.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, deeply, deeply weird.
Dr. Cox: What do you say we just dive right in? Are you currently taking any medications? Have you had sex with multiple partners? You exercising regularly? And have you traveled outside the United States In the last couple months?
Dr. Kelso: Yes. Hell, yes. Uh, yes, I go to the bathroom ten times a day, which for me is cardio.
Dr. Cox: Naturally.
Dr. Kelso: I recently flew to Bangkok, but I didn't actually get off the plane.
Dr. Cox: Right.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: [v.o.] Even though Dr. Turk warned us about med student syndrome, we couldn't help ourselves.
Lucy: Dr. Turk, I've got scurvy and rickets. How did I get all the pirate diseases?

Quote from Cole

Turk: So, Cole, uh, unfortunately, the biopsy shows that your mole is malignant. You have melanoma.
Lucy: Skin cancer? Oh, my god, Cole.
Cole: [auto-tuned recording] Oh, snap I got a funky cancer mole
Turk: How'd you know it was gonna be malignant?
Cole: Oh, I didn't. I was prepared for both ways. [auto-tuned song] Check my rhymes 'cause my mole is benign

Quote from Denise

Denise: What about him? How's he gonna die?
Drew: Red nose. Beer gut. Definitely liver failure.
Denise: No way. Check out his shirt and his callused hands. He probably works around a lot of machinery. I'm thinkin' nail gun to the head.
Drew: You said that about the nurse who just walked by. I think you're overestimating how many people actually own nail guns.
Denise: Whatever. That's how I wanna go.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Thanks again, Turkleton, for giving me the lift. Hitching rides with students was not working out. The constant stops at keg parties and strip clubs, they just weren't into it. But hey, nobody hustles Bob Kelso out of the champagne room. That is my house.
Turk: If I even step into the parking lot of a strip club, Carla, she can pick up the scent of glitter and vanilla body wash like nobody's business. I'm telling you, it's like she's a stripper bloodhound.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, well, I gotta get home early anyway. I wanna read the internet before they take it down.
Turk: I'm not exactly sure that's how that works, sir.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob. I am so sorry to keep you waitin'. I've been dancing as fast as I can up there. But I just need 15 more minutes to see another patient, and we will get out of here.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, take your time. It's already been 10 minutes. What's 15 more?
Dr. Cox: Why don't you just go inside and have yourself a seat?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, a nice warm seat for the old-timer, huh? Gee, thanks. Will there be an afghan? I don't want to get a draft while I'm doing the jumble and clipping articles to send to my grandchildren.
Dr. Cox: I appreciate that you're frustrated not being able to drive, losing your independence. It's gotta be pretty hard on you.
Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you talking about? Look, Perry, just because we had a couple of nice conversations and a few backyard beers last summer, it doesn't mean we're Butch and Sundance, all right. So just forget all this soul mate stuff and just go bring the car around.
Dr. Cox: You know what, Bob? Find your own way home.

Quote from Cole

Lucy: Look, it's not all bad. I'm here. We have cupcakes. We can lie in bed and watch TV all day.
Cole: No, the remote's broken and it's stuck on the History Channel. I don't care about stuff that's already happened.

Quote from Lucy

Lucy: I'm really sorry no one came.
Cole: Yeah, I was fine without anyone, but you had to promise. You had to do the whole Lucy thing of, "Oh, they'll come. They'll listen to me. I think horses should go into space."
Lucy: I never said that. Why would I want fewer horses on earth? That's crazy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: The med student who was supposed to pick me up never showed up. I've been out there forever.
Dr. Cox: What do you want from me?
Dr. Kelso: Help me out with this paperwork thing so I can drive again. It's just some stupid insurance rule.
Dr. Cox: Well, that's a pretty big favor there, Bob. And since, according to you, we're not real friends, which makes perfect sense as your only real friends are a bottle of discount gin and the metal handrail in your shower, I'm gonna go ahead and say no.

Quote from Drew

Denise: What's going on? You texted me that a patient's coding in here.
Dr. Cox: You texted me, "Come and show me your boobs"?
Drew: I may have switched those texts. Which does raise the question, why did you show up then, Dr.
Cox?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Cole: Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, son. I came in to use the bathroom while you were sleeping.
Cole: But I've been watching TV for the last 45 minutes.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah. I got caught up in this article about how they make tortillas. There's a lot of steps.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what are you in for?
Cole: Oh, I got the cancer.
Dr. Kelso: Woof. I'll tell you what'll make you feel better. Giving an old man your pudding cup.

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