Jordan: I am your new friend, so suck it!
J.D.: I gotta go talk to my boys.
Carla: And I have to go talk to Elliot.
Turk: Wait, don't leave me!
Jordan: So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation... Yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Oh, it was so good.

Dr. Cox: Oh, would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the chin quiver. Then he goes right to the look-away. He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain! And then finally, he squeezes out one single tear. [fake cries] Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theater!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.

J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.: [v.o.] The perfect setup to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
[J.D. picks Turk up and carries him down to reception]
Turk: Dude! Oh, God! [screams] No! Dude!
J.D.: So, what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Hello!
Turk: Dude, there's a guy upstairs waiting to have his spleen removed!
J.D.: It was worth it.

Jordan: Let's go, Per.
Dr. Cox: I have been waiting for an hour.
Jordan: I know. I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said, "Screw her!" and stormed out. But then you came back 'cause you realized I have the keys.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put Plexiglas separator down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy. You can't, you can't, you can't. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out. However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.

J.D.: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
Carla: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Carla: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk fever"?
Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
J.D.: It's true. I even had it.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.
Jordan: Yeah, I usually pretend we're doing something else.

J.D.: My boys need the ketchup! That's a lot of boys. Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz-saw.

Mr. Thompson: Hey, if you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter. I have had someone else's fingers in four, count 'em, four, different orifices today.
Jordan: Oh, must be your birthday.

J.D.: OK, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan. His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"! [all laugh, including J.D.]
Janitor: Not funny.
J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.

J.D.: If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?
Janitor: Wake up and smell the third-floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years! Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
Dr. Kelso: I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart. [Dr. Johnson laughs]
Dr. Johnson: I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud. [Nurse Roberts laughs]
Nurse Roberts: I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. [cafeteria lady laughs]
Cafeteria Lady: I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough. [homeless man laughs]
Homeless man: That's funny. You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl! [dog barks] I know.
Janitor: You get it now? Your relationship with your interns is a sham.
J.D.: That dog just laughed at a pun.