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My Own American Girl

‘My Own American Girl’

Season 3, Episode 1 -  Aired October 2, 2003

J.D. gets Turk and Carla to help him diagnose one of his patients. Meanwhile, Elliot is fed up of everyone walking over her.

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: What are you doing in here!?
Janitor: It's the men's room.
Elliot: I know! I mean, it's not like I thought those were some kind of new female urinals, and then tried them, and found them oddly comfortable...
Janitor: I'm just gonna replace these, uh, urinal cakes, and then, uh, I'll go.
Elliot: Why can't I just grow up? Why can't I be stronger? Janitor? Have you ever looked at yourself and wished that you were different in every single way?
Janitor: No. I'm a winner. But, I will tell you something that my grandmother told me when I was a kid, even though at the time I thought she was my mother. She said: "Time spent wishing is time wasted." Now, she died shortly after that. And my sister, who actually was my mother, she never got over it. Neither did my brother-dad. But the point is this: If you want to be different, then be different!


Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Sean?
Sean: Hey, Elliot! How you doing?
Elliot: You look great! Except, the buzz-cut has kind of tapped into this recurring dream I have where my dad makes me marry this army colonel named Johnny Case who, as it turns out, already has a wife in the Philippines. Anyways, she and I become friends, but then she smothers him with her thighs and then frames me for it.
Sean: Well, yeah, I'm- I'm doing about the same, too.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] As a third-year resident, you know everyone so well you can practically speak for them. For instance... [Turk:] Remember: No more dancing. Pow! [Carla:] Good morning, Bambi. Sign this, please? [Janitor] Who you eyeballing, tough guy? [J.D.:] And of course... [Dr. Cox:] Well, Zsa Zsa. Now you've put me in quite the pickle. You see with those earphones on, you can't hear me, but! The odds are highly against you cracking open that yapper and annoying me today. So, what to do? What to do? What to do? Ah, hell-
Dr. Cox: Stop addressing me as "Dr. Cox" in front of your patients. When they find out my actual name, they tend to page me with questions when they realize just exactly how inept you really are. Oh, and as an added safety measure, from now on, I'll only be responding to "Doc," "Doctor," "Caesar," or "The Big Cheese;" and no, I'm not joking. Not now. Not ever.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot: Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Nurse Roberts: Well, yeah. But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Now, I would've never figured it out unless you guys had done the leg work. You four deserve all the credit, really. [enters patient's room] Mrs. Farr, Dr. Cox has saved the day! Don't ya just love it? Come here!

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] And Elliot was still searching for something to turn things around for her.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars. She's all yours. [tosses Elliot the keys]
[A car drives by and takes the open door of Elliot's car clean off]
Elliot: Frick!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob-cat! Listen, I was hoping that maybe you could get someone to cover for me out at the prison tonight. I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shove a lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond! Right? [Kelso's nose squeaks] Oh. Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time I saw my son, and you - you - you're a father, for God's sake, you understand, don't you?
Dr. Kelso: My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son is your son. Have fun at the Big House.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around? I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Turk: No self-confidence.
Carla: You could be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Elliot: [high-pitched] Rhetorical question, okay?

Quote from Elliot

Sean: I thought you hated this place 'cause of that time you- you got sick here?
Elliot: You remember that?
Sean: Y-you got sick on my face.
Elliot: Oh, no, that wasn't the smoothies. You just said you thought you were falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl.
Sean: I know, I get- I get a little, uh, gassy.

Quote from Elliot

Woman: That girl is extra-strength crazy.
Sean: I don't know, I mean, she's a doctor, she's gotta have it a little bit together, right?
[Elliot drives by with a cool expression on her face]
Sean: Elliot, your smoothies are on your car.
[Elliot suddenly stops the car, causing the smoothies to topple over and pour down her windscreen. After Elliot gets out to assess the damage, a truck drives by and rips the other car door clean off]
Elliot: Double frick!

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