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49Quotes from ‘My Growing Pains’

Scrubs: My Growing Pains

705. My Growing Pains

Aired November 29, 2007

When Dr. Cox treats a young leukemia patient, he tells the kid about his condition against the wishes of the boys' parents. Meanwhile, J.D. decides it's time to give up childish games, and Elliot is determined to throw Dr. Kelso a party.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: I've got a secret.
Dr. Kelso: What has two thumbs, a funny voice, and still doesn't give a crap? [goofy voice] Bob Kelso! I added the funny voice to keep it fresh.

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Quote from Ted

Ted: The Winstons aren't ready to litigate yet, but they're still angry. You need to mitigate the situation because they have a really good lawyer.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, Ted, I'm just surprised you know the difference between litigate and mitigate.
Ted: Their lawyer taught me. I'm telling you, the guy's really good.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Nurse: Happy birthday, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thank you.
Elliot: Oh, my God, is that a smile?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's like the last year, when the safety brake failed on Enid's wheelchair, and she started rolling toward our pool, I told myself: "Bob, it's already too late to stop it so you might as well sit back and enjoy it."

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What are we doing, today?
Turk: Okay. We gotta go old school. Brace yourself on my arm. World's Most Giant Black Doctor.
J.D.: Turk, I thought we are agreed to save him for Black History Month when we wanna scare racist patients.
Turk: I know, but that guy in 204 asked me if I wanted to finish his fried chicken.
J.D.: But you love fried chicken.
Turk: And I ate that bad boy like it was my last meal, but I wasn't happy about it.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: So, how do we find that Kelso's age?
Ted: We pay a hundred people age one to a hundred, line them all up and see which one Kelso looks like.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I say we cut off Kelso's legs and we count the rings.
Elliot: That only works on trees.
Janitor: And puppets.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's amazing how much kids take after their parents.
J.D.: You know how when I daydream and go like this.
Turk: Dude, you totally go like that.
J.D.: Check Sam out.
J.D.: [v.o.] I wonder what he's thinking.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Guys, Sam is hungry. Can anybody help me out?
Dr. Kelso: [wearing a bra] Sure, sure. Pass him over here, I'm about ready to burst.
J.D.: Thanks. I'd do it myself but I'm all tapped out. Turk and I had a milk fight in the parking lot.
Turk: I lost.
Dr. Kelso: Ok, chief, latch on, it's right there. Latch. Latch. He's latched, he's latched.
J.D.: Dude we said truce!
Turk: Count it.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Board Member: Hey, Bob. Some of the other board members were saying tomorrow is your birthday. So how old does that make you?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it depends. Are we talking dog years or horny old bastard years? I'll be fifty-eight.
Elliot: I didn't know it was your birthday tomorrow! You're are definitely getting a cake. What flavor do you want? Chocolate or vanilla? Wait, don't answer. I'm gonna surprise you. It's gonna be chocolate. I like chocolate.
Dr. Kelso: Ooh, fun. Could you also have them write "Mind Your Own Damn Business" in icing and then jam your face into it so the message really sinks in?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [as Sam] Damn, Izzy! You're looking good, girl!
Turk: [as Izzy] Thank you Sam! You not only have a soft spot in your heart, but you have one in your head!
J.D.: What do you say we hit up a Wiggles concert, then go back to my crib and pop up on some formulas, see what happens?
Turk: Come here and taste this brown sugar. Taste this brown sugar!
J.D.: Turk, we can't make them kiss until Sam can hold his head up for real.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: I missed this man. If I'm not at work, I'm taking care of Izzy. I feel like I don't get to roll with you or just do goofy stuff.
J.D.: It's just that when I have Sam I'm so busy, you know. We're up at six, I feed him, I bathe him, then it's poopy time, and then it's his poopy time.
Turk: But that's why we need to get this two together right away. They need to get married so we can hang all the time.
J.D.: There's no guarantees, Turk. The other day, I had Sam in the hospital, and when Dr. Cox brought in his daughter, he definitely turned his head. Okay, I turned it. But I can tell he wanted me to. [as Sam] There's plenty of fish in the sea, girl. I don't need you. Like look at that. You are hot, baby! What is going on over there? I want to hit that. I want to spank it good. I like to spank it, I want to give it to you. [to a mother] I'm sorry. Kids, huh? I'll talk to him.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: What should we do?
Turk: When's the last time we did something stupid?
J.D.: Well, we told Rex we'd cover his shifts next weekend if he agreed to follow Hooch everywhere he went and never tell him why.
Hooch: Okay. I'm gonna ask you this one last time. Do you need anything?
Rex: No, I'm cool. [continues following Hooch]
Turk: Hooch is crazy!
J.D.: I know, and the best part is Rex doesn't know Hooch is crazy.
Turk: Hell, he'll know by the end of the day.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Anyways, when's the last time we did something off-the-hook stupid?
Turk: Probably not since the second day at college. Remember? When it wasn't just the two of us. It was the three of us.
[flashback:]
Turk: All right you guys? I know we only met yesterday, but I have the feeling we are gonna be best buds forever. Hands in. Chocolate bear!
J.D.: Vanilla Bear!
Ricky: Caramel Bear!
All: Bears for life!
J.D.: If we pull this prank off we're gonna be the coolest freshmen on the all campus.
[J.D. uses a lighter to ignite the brown paper bag that Turk is holding]
Turk: Yeah, we are.
Ricky: Let me do it.
J.D.: What?
[After Ricky puts the flaming brown bag on a man's porch, he rings the doorbell. A large white man quickly opens the door and pulls Ricky inside. J.D. and Turk run away.]
[present:]
J.D.: Rest in peace, Caramel Bear.
Turk: Dude, just because we never saw Ricky on campus again, doesn't mean is dead.
J.D.: His parents came and packed up all his stuff, Turk. And his roommate got straight As that semester without even going to class.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: Okay, listen up. I need everyone to clear their schedule's tomorrow because we're going to have a little party for Kelso's birthday.
Ted: Kelso makes my life hell. Now, I know I usually cave, but there's no way I'm going to his party.
Elliot: I understand, Ted.
Ted: Fine, I'll go. Dammit.
Elliot: So, I'm getting the cake. I just need someone to pick up the decorations.
Ted: Fine, I'll get them. What's happening?!

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: Can anyone help me find out Kelso's real age?
Janitor: You rang? I know you didn't, I just like saying that. Although, actually, I do hear bells. But now they're gone. Hmm. Anyway, I'll help.
Elliot: Cool. Okay, because I was wondering-
Janitor: Hold it! They're back. They're gone. No. Hang on. Go.
Elliot: Okay, because I thought-
Janitor: Stop. Bells. Bells, bells. No bells.
Elliot: Why don't we start with that-
Janitor: Stop. Go. Stop.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Aren't your arms getting tired?
Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah. Can you believe those people? Their kid has leukemia and they're not even gonna tell him?
Carla: Well, they're his parents, it's their right.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on. He deserves to know what he's up against, he can handle it. Hell, he's more mature than most of the yahoos in this dump.
J.D.: Check it out. World's most giant clipboard, huh!
Dr. Cox: Exhibit A, through Z.

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: Well, I've got 65 reasons why you should give a crap.
Janitor: [elevator door opens] You're old! Yes! I've been saying that every time the doors opened for the last two hours, and I finally got my man. Come on, give it up. Little something. Still got time. We'll do it later.

Quote from Carla

Dr. Cox: Thanks for having my back on this one.
Carla: I don't have your back on this. I just want a ringside-seat for when you get your bony white ass handed to it.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I really don't wanna go in a mitigation on this one. Wait? Yeah, that's right.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Hey J.D., I need a little help. Relax, this is work stuff. I have a patient who needs a perioperative beta blockade and I was wondering if I needed a continuous IV drip or intermittent bolus?
J.D.: Well, I'd probably start them off-
Turk: Yeah, don't care. Check this out. Hooch is on the verge of a major meltdown.
J.D.: Why? Is Rex still following him?
Turk: Not just Rex. Three other interns are following him too. They're all after this fellowship. I said whoever sticks to to him the longest, I'll give them recommendation.
Hooch: I'm about to use the toilet right now. So I hope you all are happy with the order that you're standing in. Because if you follow me in there, that is the order that I'm going to kill you. Oh, yeah! Today is gonna be a good day. Yes, it is!

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: You read my private personnel file?
Janitor: You can read mine if you want. Of course, it says my name is Captain Billy Stinkwater, and that I'm half gopher.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Well, if you don't care then let us throw your party, there's gonna be cake and presents, and-
Janitor: We have to get him a present? Oh. You can have anything you want off my tool belt.
Dr. Kelso: Sweet. I'll take that 12-volt cordless rechargeable nickel-metal hydride battery power drill.
Janitor: I was kidding.
Dr. Kelso: Too late. Hand it over. Looks expensive.
Janitor: It is.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you.

Quote from Ted

All: Surprise;
Elliot: Ted, these are Hanukkah decorations.
Ted: They were on sale. [holds out a menorah] Make a wish.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Excuse me, young miss. Would you like to sign this petition to make our hospital more giant-accessible?
J.D.: How many signatures do we have?
Turk: None.
J.D.: Dammit.
Turk: Excuse me, sir. Would you like to sign this petition to make our hospital more giant-accessible?


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