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37Quotes from ‘My Jerks’

Scrubs: My Jerks

801. My Jerks

Aired January 6, 2009

The hospital's new Chief of Medicine, Dr. Maddox (guest start Courteney Cox), starts work at the hospital. J.D. gets tired when he leads a new group of interns. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox is reluctant to meet his new boss, and Carla tells Elliot the truth about how she's been behaving this past year.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results, but they're locked in my briefcase, and I lost the key.
Dr. Maddox: Allow me. Loving this thing!
Ted: And... here it is.
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well, see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

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Quote from Denise

J.D.: [v.o.] There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
Denise: You know, it's ironic that "cancer" starts we "can," because at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
J.D.: Let's take a walk, sunshine.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Keith is not still devastated. I mean, what the hell is Carla talking about? She's completely off base, right?
Turk: I have to disagree with you.
Elliot: You don't see my point at all?
Turk: You don't understand. I'm married to Carla, right? She has spies everywhere. So i have to disagree with you. I'm on to you, Rochelle.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Interns. Alright, you guys psyched? It's our eighth year. Who's with me?
Turk: Yay.
J.D.: Come on, I know it's tempting to just mail it in, but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were in our first few years. Now I know we never do great come medical awards season. Except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything. But I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.
Turk: The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.
J.D.: Oh, they're just upset 'cause their insurance won't cover a private room.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to go teach the new interns. They started a week ago, and they suck.
J.D.: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?
J.D.: [v.o.] There was Katie, the self-centered climber.
Katie: McConaughey's.
Rodney: McConaughey's.
J.D.: McConaughey's is not a syndrome. He is, however, one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in 10 days.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Maddox: Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me. One, I have an open door policy. Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me. And three, I don't like spiders. So if you see one, I want you to stomp it. I want you to stomp it dead, okay? I don't want you to put it into a little cup and take it outside, because it'll just find its way back in, okay? They're sneaky. Oh, can someone help that man to his room?
Ted: Oh. No, I- I'm not sick. I'm just cold, and there were no chairs. I'm- I'm a lawyer.
Dr. Maddox: Of course you are, sweetie.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I know people are down on these new interns, but everyone's teachable, you know? Even Jo.
Turk: Who?
J.D.: I like to call Denise "Jo" because she reminds me of that streetwise, mannish girl on Facts of Life.
Turk: You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde. You could call her "Blair".
J.D.: "Blair" is stupid.
J.D.: [v.o.] "Blair" is perfect, but now I can never use it in front of Turk, or he'll say "You're welcome!" in that really smug way of his.

Quote from Denise

J.D.: Uh, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
Katie: I know.
J.D.: Of course you do, Katie, because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever. But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so-
J.D.: Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?
Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
J.D.: Yes, yellow like the sun.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Can you even believe Dr. Cox, calling me whiny and self-involved?
Carla: Elliot, you know how we're so close we can say anything to each other, right?E
Elliot: Yeah?
Carla: Look, over the last year or so, you've been going through a lot. You got engaged. You broke off your wedding at the last second. It'd be easy for anyone to become a little self-absorbed.
Elliot: What are you saying, Carla?
Dr. Kelso: This is why I come here every day.
Ted: You come here every day? Loser! [Kelso pops his balloon] My balloon!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
J.D.: Fine! But why did you have to trip me?
Janitor: I'll answer that question with another question: 'Cause I wanted to?
Dr. Maddox: [clears throat] Excuse me.
Janitor: Yeah?
Dr. Maddox: Do you think it would've been funny if he had broken his neck?
Janitor: [chuckles] I feel like you want me to say "no."
Dr. Maddox: What's your name?
Janitor: Oh, boy. You really are new here. [she grabs his badge] Uh-oh.
Dr. Maddox: "The Janitor."
Janitor: Howdy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, the incident yesterday with Dr. Dorian, I swear to you that will never happen again. Even though he deserved it.
Dr. Maddox: I don't know.
Janitor: Come on! I've been here forever. You can't just throw me out of the hospital.
Dr. Maddox: No, but I can walk you out without you even noticing.
Janitor: Well played.
Dr. Maddox: I need your keys. Where are the rest?
Janitor: I got tired of carrying 'em all, so I made one that works on everything. Watch. [unlocks J.D.'s scooter, Sasha] Huh? How about that? Come on. Hit the highway!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Why would you pass off your interns?
J.D.: I just- I can't deal with them anymore.
Dr. Cox: Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide/homicide watch.
J.D.: Do I know this intern?
Dr. Cox: Intimately.
J.D.: I figured.
Dr. Cox: This is a teaching hospital. You have to teach.
J.D.: I know. I'm just- I'm- I'm so tired of their attitude and I'm tired of their ignorance. It's the same thing year after year. I'm just... tired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Dr. Cox: Well, I get that. Why do you think I've been avoiding the new chief? Because if I do talk to her, and she is indeed a jerk, then once again, I'm gonna have to be that guy who gets in her face over every little injustice. But you wanna know something? I'm tired, too.


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