Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘My Jerks’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Jerks

801. My Jerks

Aired January 6, 2009

The hospital's new Chief of Medicine, Dr. Maddox (guest start Courteney Cox), starts work at the hospital. J.D. gets tired when he leads a new group of interns. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox is reluctant to meet his new boss, and Carla tells Elliot the truth about how she's been behaving this past year.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results, but they're locked in my briefcase, and I lost the key.
Dr. Maddox: Allow me. Loving this thing!
Ted: And... here it is.
Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well, see you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.

Rate

Quote from Denise

J.D.: [v.o.] There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.
Denise: You know, it's ironic that "cancer" starts we "can," because at this stage, there's nothing we can do about it.
J.D.: Let's take a walk, sunshine.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Keith is not still devastated. I mean, what the hell is Carla talking about? She's completely off base, right?
Turk: I have to disagree with you.
Elliot: You don't see my point at all?
Turk: You don't understand. I'm married to Carla, right? She has spies everywhere. So i have to disagree with you. I'm on to you, Rochelle.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Interns. Alright, you guys psyched? It's our eighth year. Who's with me?
Turk: Yay.
J.D.: Come on, I know it's tempting to just mail it in, but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were in our first few years. Now I know we never do great come medical awards season. Except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything. But I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.
Turk: The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.
J.D.: Oh, they're just upset 'cause their insurance won't cover a private room.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Time to go teach the new interns. They started a week ago, and they suck.
J.D.: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?
J.D.: [v.o.] There was Katie, the self-centered climber.
Katie: McConaughey's.
Rodney: McConaughey's.
J.D.: McConaughey's is not a syndrome. He is, however, one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in 10 days.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Maddox: Okay, I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me. One, I have an open door policy. Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me. And three, I don't like spiders. So if you see one, I want you to stomp it. I want you to stomp it dead, okay? I don't want you to put it into a little cup and take it outside, because it'll just find its way back in, okay? They're sneaky. Oh, can someone help that man to his room?
Ted: Oh. No, I- I'm not sick. I'm just cold, and there were no chairs. I'm- I'm a lawyer.
Dr. Maddox: Of course you are, sweetie.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I know people are down on these new interns, but everyone's teachable, you know? Even Jo.
Turk: Who?
J.D.: I like to call Denise "Jo" because she reminds me of that streetwise, mannish girl on Facts of Life.
Turk: You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde. You could call her "Blair".
J.D.: "Blair" is stupid.
J.D.: [v.o.] "Blair" is perfect, but now I can never use it in front of Turk, or he'll say "You're welcome!" in that really smug way of his.

Quote from Denise

J.D.: Uh, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo?
Katie: I know.
J.D.: Of course you do, Katie, because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever. But I didn't ask you. I asked Jo.
Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so-
J.D.: Quick side note. When a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry, Mrs. Gallagher. You look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?
Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.
J.D.: Yes, yellow like the sun.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Can you even believe Dr. Cox, calling me whiny and self-involved?
Carla: Elliot, you know how we're so close we can say anything to each other, right?E
Elliot: Yeah?
Carla: Look, over the last year or so, you've been going through a lot. You got engaged. You broke off your wedding at the last second. It'd be easy for anyone to become a little self-absorbed.
Elliot: What are you saying, Carla?
Dr. Kelso: This is why I come here every day.
Ted: You come here every day? Loser! [Kelso pops his balloon] My balloon!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.
J.D.: Fine! But why did you have to trip me?
Janitor: I'll answer that question with another question: 'Cause I wanted to?
Dr. Maddox: [clears throat] Excuse me.
Janitor: Yeah?
Dr. Maddox: Do you think it would've been funny if he had broken his neck?
Janitor: [chuckles] I feel like you want me to say "no."
Dr. Maddox: What's your name?
Janitor: Oh, boy. You really are new here. [she grabs his badge] Uh-oh.
Dr. Maddox: "The Janitor."
Janitor: Howdy.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You know, the incident yesterday with Dr. Dorian, I swear to you that will never happen again. Even though he deserved it.
Dr. Maddox: I don't know.
Janitor: Come on! I've been here forever. You can't just throw me out of the hospital.
Dr. Maddox: No, but I can walk you out without you even noticing.
Janitor: Well played.
Dr. Maddox: I need your keys. Where are the rest?
Janitor: I got tired of carrying 'em all, so I made one that works on everything. Watch. [unlocks J.D.'s scooter, Sasha] Huh? How about that? Come on. Hit the highway!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Why would you pass off your interns?
J.D.: I just- I can't deal with them anymore.
Dr. Cox: Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide/homicide watch.
J.D.: Do I know this intern?
Dr. Cox: Intimately.
J.D.: I figured.
Dr. Cox: This is a teaching hospital. You have to teach.
J.D.: I know. I'm just- I'm- I'm so tired of their attitude and I'm tired of their ignorance. It's the same thing year after year. I'm just... tired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Here comes the tongue-lashing.
Dr. Cox: Well, I get that. Why do you think I've been avoiding the new chief? Because if I do talk to her, and she is indeed a jerk, then once again, I'm gonna have to be that guy who gets in her face over every little injustice. But you wanna know something? I'm tired, too.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Huh. That's new.
Janitor: Oh, yeah. My girlfriend gave me a watch. Do you give a crap, or are you just hoping that by pointing out something new of mine, I'll segue the conversation into talking about something new of yours, like... Your new prepubescent Miami Vice beard.
J.D.: There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.
Janitor: Who?
J.D.: Me.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] And there was Ed.
J.D.: Ed, did you finish those case reports last night?
Ed: I totally was gonna do it, man, but I was on this Lost fan site last night talking to this chick. About an hour in, I realize it's a dude messin' with me.
J.D.: I've been there.
Ed: Revenge time. I signed up for a new account, Hotgirl99. I start flirtin' with this dude. I'm like, "Oh, hey, I look just like Kate." And he's totally into it, right? Next thing you know, I got him to agree to a personal meet-up here in the hospital where he'll be holding a red balloon.
J.D.: Wait a minute, you're hotgirl99?
Ed: Yeah.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: The new interns all suck.
J.D.: Yeah, but I'm gonna handle it.
Carla: Like you handled Jimmy, the overly touchy orderly?
Jimmy: Somebody looking for me?
J.D.: No, Jimmy, we're fine.
Jimmy: All right. Let me know if you need anything.
J.D.: Okay. Have you noticed he only touches above the waist now? You're welcome.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] That was harsh, but no one cared because today we were meeting Dr. Kelso's replacement as chief of medicine, Dr. Taylor Maddox. She was smokin' hot, so first I had to see her like this...
[a ridiculously long shot of Dr. Taylor Maddox with golden lighting, windswept hair as music plays]
Dr. Maddox: Hi. Hi.
J.D.: [v.o.] But then I noticed how friendly she seemed. She had the most infectious smile. No one could resist it. And I mean no one.
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: No.
Dr. Maddox: Yes!
Dr. Cox: Never!
Dr. Maddox: He it comes! [Dr. Cox grabs the defib paddles] Clear. [shocks himself]
J.D.: Brava!
Dr. Maddox: Yes!
[reality:]
J.D.: You proud fool.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, time to connect with the new chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.
Dr. Maddox: Oh! Is that your boy?
J.D.: What's that? Oh, yeah. His name is Sam.
Dr. Maddox: I have a daughter of my own.
J.D.: [v.o.] It's working! Now seal the deal with a follow-up question, but nothing too personal.
J.D.: Did you deliver vaginally?
Dr. Maddox: I did.
J.D.: Big girl. Must've hurt.
Dr. Maddox: Wow.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Maddox: Hi, Mr. Hicks. So you were admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath?
Mr. Hicks: Yes, that's right.
Dr. Maddox: Okay, so I'm just gonna... [stomps] Die! Die! Die! Sorry. Spider. Um, I'm just gonna take you up and get you a full-body scan, okay?
Dr. Cox: And there she goes.
Carla: A chief of medicine working one-on-one with a patient? Maybe she's not so bad.
Dr. Cox: I think she's probably a jerk.
Carla: Why?
Dr. Cox: That position attracts jerks. Plus, well, I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk. I divorced a jerk.
J.D.: New freckle.
Dr. Cox: I'm interrupted by jerks. Look, just give me two minutes with this Maddox, and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.
Carla: Well, go!
Dr. Cox: Pass.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Okay, let's gather 'round for rounds. Get it? "'round for rounds"? You can use it. Our first patient is presenting with biliary colic... And, uh-- Ed, would-- Would you mind-- Would you mind turning off the beeping if you're gonna text?
Ed: I'll turn it off.
J.D.: Thank you.

Quote from Denise

J.D.: Ed, stop texting!
Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking at photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.
J.D.: Okay, well, do that more later. When we're together. Jo, you were saying?
Denise: I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher probably has cholecy-
Katie: Cholecystis. She has cholecystis.
Denise: I'm gonna cut your throat.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode