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36Quotes from ‘My Saving Grace’

Scrubs: My Saving Grace

803. My Saving Grace

Aired January 13, 2009

As everyone gets tired of working under the new Chief of Medicine, Dr. Maddox (Courteney Cox), Dr. Cox wants Dr. Kelso's help to remove her. Meanwhile, Carla gives a self-centered intern a lesson on working with others.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: So, how you holding up?
Janitor: Cleaning's an art. My mop was my paintbrush.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh no, it's the first time I've seen the janitor since he was fired. I have to seem like I care. Think of the saddest thing you can. Turk's dead, Turk's dead, Turk's dead, Turk's de- Oh, my God! What if something really happened to him? I'd be lost! Stop thinking like that. Turk's fine! Turk's fine, Turk's fine, Turk's fine, Turk's fine!
Carla: J.D.! The janitor got fired.
Janitor: No, it's okay. He knows, he just doesn't care. See, in his mind, I'm the bad guy in our relationship, even though if he stopped to think about it for a minute, he would realize I never did a thing to him that he didn't deserve.
J.D.: You locked me in a water tower.
Janitor: You wrote on the wall.
J.D.: You destroyed my scooter, Sasha.
Janitor: You know I hate Wednesdays.
J.D.: You haunted my pediatric patients.
Janitor: You didn't wear the shorts that my imaginary wife made for you.

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Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: I am getting rid of Maddox. Who's in?
Janitor: I'm in. Ever since she fired me, I've been moping around my apartment, making barking sounds. I-I'm not crazy, I just need some human interaction and the barking makes the neighbors yell, "Shut the damn thing up!" Then I can go over there with a bottle of scotch and apologize for Rusty, my imaginary Akita. The only downside is that by the time Lady, my girlfriend, gets home, I'm too drunk to talk to her. Much less make love. You've never pictured me as an organism that has sex, have you?
Dr. Cox: We have not.
Dr. Kelso: No.
Janitor: I understand.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: Ah, yeah. This Maddox is a damn sketchy. I guarantee you will find something in these files.
Janitor: Hurry up, man, I don't wanna get busted!
Dr. Cox: Now listen there, Great Ape, I only invited you to help me because it had never dawned on me that you'd get all panicky over a little breaking-and-entering.
Janitor: Actually, I'm not. See, this stuff has become so mundane to me that I've created a character who's terrified about going back to prison. And through him, I hope to feel once again, the old rush.
Dr. Cox: You carry on.
Janitor: Good. 'cause I can't go back there, man! Not after what they did to Johnny. Oh, Johnny, he was the best. I wish you'd known him. Those guards worked him over good. They shanked him with a shiv. And they shivved him with a shank. All for a pack of smokes. Johnny, you were too beautiful for this world, man. Hope you're king in the next! Johnny! Johnny.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: How are we gonna get rid of Maddox? Janitor, would you like to get your useless ideas out of the way first?
Janitor: Well, thank you, Perry. Of the top of my head, I'd go reindeer stampede. Astronaut attack, barbed-wire chandelier, Photoshop, poisonous sushi.
Dr. Cox: When you said "Photoshop", did you mean use Photoshop to create an incriminating picture?
Janitor: No. I meant we build an actual photo shop. Or a chain of photo shops. We each manage one. We let time pass. Eventually, Maddox has to have her film developed. She comes in, we all hop out, yell, "Surprise!" and beat her to death with pool cues.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and apologize because it's my fault that we're back-tracking.
Janitor: It's okay. I'm not mad.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: You want Maddox gone? Just tell me you miss me.
Dr. Cox: Fine. But I can't do it in front of people. Everybody out! Go!
Dr. Kelso: Actually, I think I'm going to need Dr. Reid and Dr. Dorian here to bear witness.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, Newbie, back in.
Elliot: Calm down, there's like 23 people back in that supply closet.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then we saw something amazing. Dr. Cox said something nice to Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: When you were the chief, you were a jackass and a nightmare and I hated you in great deal.
Dr. Kelso: That's a good start.
Dr. Cox: But I always sensed... Well, I always sensed that you were burdened by the job. And that it wasn't necessarily who you were as a person. And, every once in a while, you showed a shed of humanity. Plus, you did manage to look the other way a couple of times. That was pretty good. So for all that stuff, Bob, yeah, I miss you.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Look, Katie, I've seen all kinds of people come through this place. Tall, short, gay, straight, smart, weird The point is, this childish, self-centered attitude you keep throwing everyone's way is nothing new.
Katie: You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Carla: Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.
Katie: Really? Because my dad died when I was six, and to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.
Carla: [downbeat] Oh, Katie.
Katie: I know.
Carla: [upbeat] Heard it! Me, dead mom. J.D., dead dad. Elliot, emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox, emotionally and physically abusive dead parents, which he may have killed. No one's sure. Look, Katie, now that you're here It doesn't matter what crap you have in your past. All that matters is that you leave it there. Because this hospital is your home now and these people are your family. And I can tell you they will love you unconditionally if you let them. But if you don't, they... Check that. We will eat you alive.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] With all the bureaucracy in the hospital, sometimes you have to bend the rules to help a patient. Unfortunately, the new Chief of Medicine didn't like it and she was everywhere. Patient rooms...
Dr. Maddox: What you doing, rock star?
J.D.: Uh, nothing, I'm just, uh...
[J.D. taps on the window of his patient room to alert Carla to Dr. Maddox, who is looking over her shoulder]
Dr. Maddox: That's not right!
J.D.: [v.o.] Work stations.
Carla: You need to wear a bell.
J.D.: [v.o.] Even the O.R.
J.D.: Thanks for letting me observe, fellas.
[fantasy: Dr. Maddox's face appears in the patient's surgical cavity:]
Dr. Maddox: Come on, you got five more surgeries today. Tumor's down by his bean bags!
J.D.: We should probably take that out.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: It's like, all of a sudden, this hospital is a police state.
Elliot: I mean, next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop.
J.D.: They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Elliot: Really? Then, why does Johann always let me-
J.D.: Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Elliot: Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: The butt-kissing isn't even the worst part. I feel like Katie will do anything to get ahead, you know. I'm this close to freezing her out. Just like I did Dr. Simmons.
Carla: Yeah, what would you do with her?
Elliot: Hello, she wears the exact same thing as me every day. Yeah, we're talking about you, skank!
Dr. Simmons: Nice dress!
Elliot: Veronica, I have no idea how are you doing this! But I will find out.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Okay Mr. Rosell, let's get you on in some Interferon.
J.D.: So it can start interferring with that pesky MS of yours.
Mr. Rosell: Are you making fun of my multiple sclerosis?
J.D.: Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the moment. It won't happen again, I promise.
J.D.: [v.o.] Interferon sounds like the name of a robot that always gets in the way.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: I gotta get rid of this Maddox. Honest to God, she is... Why aren't you listening to me?
Jordan: Because of that.
[Causally dressed Dr. Kelso and Janitor are seated at another table]
Dr. Kelso: That scone looks good.
Janitor: Oh, yeah? [feeds Kelso the scone]
Jordan: We should have sex later.
Dr. Cox: How did you get from that image to that thought?
Jordan: I'll tell you tonight. Just bring home a scone and a Hawaiian shirt. Mmm, mama's heating up!

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: You're lying to us. You took the red pill, you can see colors.
J.D.: You know, I'm sick and tired of lowlifes like you trying to come here and squirt pain medication off of us, okay? You make us care and then because you're worried we're gonna see through your little plan, you don't even laugh at our jokes.
Mr. Rosell: Actually, the Interferon joke was sort of funny.
J.D.: You're damn right it was, Pat! Okay? But this time, no one's getting off easy. My cousin is a cop. And not a good cop either, a rogue cop.
Elliot: Christine, it's you, isn't it?
J.D.: Hold on- Hold on, Elliot. You ever watched The Shield, Pat? Do you happen to get FX, Pat? Because you're gonna get Michael Chicklised in the head. He's the orange guy in Fantastic Four. That's coming down on ya!
Elliot: J.D., look at her hand. It's in spasm. You're the one with MS, right?
Christine: I don't have any insurance and my dad just thought that since he did-
Mr. Rosell: Look, we'll go, alright? If you, uh, could just not tell anyone, we'd be very grateful.
J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot and I knew what we had to do.
J.D.: Okay, Pat. You have MS and you're not leaving here until you get your medication.
Mr. Rosell: Thank you.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Do you even know what people are calling you around here?
Katie: I know, I don't care.
Carla: Because I wrote the worst one on this piece of paper.
Katie: "Sausages, sausages and more sausages"?
Carla: It's actually Turk's grocery list. But you do care, don't you? Katie, if you keep going down this road, eventually, people will come after you.

Quote from Janitor

Carla: Katie, what you don't realize-
Janitor: What are we doing here? Are you setting us straight?
Carla: I'm trying to! Look, Katie, we don't realize-
Janitor: May I cut in?
Carla: Go ahead.
Janitor: My rules for getting by here are the same as my rules for getting by in Mexico. One, don't drink the water. Two, party till you drop. Three, everything is negotiable.


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