Elliot: So it turns out she wasn't pregnant after all. Some idiot had mislabeled her sample.
Turk: I was a heartbeat away from giving an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy. If I do my best and I lose a patient, you know what, I can live with that. But if a clerical error is the reason a guy's walking around here with only the lonely, damn, that don't sit well with the big dog.

Elliot: What do you want me to do, cry?
J.D.: Can you do that?
Elliot: Sure. Give me a second to think of something sad.
J.D.: Quickly. Quickly.
Elliot: OK, that's not helping.
J.D.: I shouldn't have put you in this position.
Elliot: [getting emotional] Oh, there we go. Another man in my life, trying to protect me.
J.D.: Stay with it, Elliot.
Elliot: Everyone thinks I'm this little girl who can't take any criticism because her mom and dad give her nothing but criticism.
J.D.: Good, Elliot, this is good.
Elliot: And look where it's gotten me. You know, I'm 26, single and all I do is work. You know, I may as well just give up the idea of being in a healthy and happy relationship and just go ahead and... And... And...
J.D.: Become your mother?
Elliot: Yeah. [sobbing] Check Mr. Sullivan's tests again.
Franklyn: OK.

J.D.: Ben, good news, man.
Ben: Hey, J.D. Let's get a picture together.
J.D.: OK.
Ben: Come on.
J.D.: [v.o.] It was weird how everyone had come to see Ben off.
Ben: Everybody in.
J.D.: [v.o.] After all, he'd only been here one day and there wasn't even anything wrong with him.
J.D.: Wait. Why would you want a picture like that? I thought you said posed pictures aren't real.
Ben: Come on, J.D. None of this is real. You know that.
J.D.: What do you mean?
Ben: Think about it.

Turk: Can't stop thinking about Mr. Weinberg's testicles.
Todd: Dude.
Turk: I mean, I almost removed one of them, Todd.
Todd: Which one?
Turk: Like it matters.
Todd: Oh, it matters.

Turk: You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?
Carla: Is that good cocktail conversation?
J.D.: I had this patient today who thought he had blood in his stool. Turned out to be pimento.
Elliot: What? I worked on a homeless guy who vomited up an entire mitten. I mean, that's not going to stop me from wearing mine when it's cold out.
Carla: What's wrong with you people? We have a good bottle of wine, we all look nice for once. Can we please talk about something other than work? Please?
Turk: Name an actress. J.D. can tell you which movie she appeared in naked.
Carla: I'm gonna go put on my pyjamas. Can't believe I shaved my legs for this.

J.D.: I can't get over it. I mean, who faints any more? No one's fainted since the '40s.
Carla: It's okay. You're a doctor. You shouldn't have to look at stuff like that.
J.D.: I was surprised. I don't like surprises. [camera clicks] Oh, my goodness!
Ben: Pictures capture moments in time. When they're posed, they're not real. You know, I hate that whole, like, thing. That's why at a party, you see me in the bushes with my camera.
J.D.: You're a little weird, aren't you?
Ben: Just a little bit.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Ben, look what the cat tried to drag in before it was skinned and eaten.
Ben: Meow.
Jordan: Still with the annoying camera?
Ben: Did she just skip the whole part where people say hello to each other?
Jordan: Hello, Benji. You look very pale.
Ben: I miss the sweet talk.
Jordan: Maybe it's been too long. Maybe my feelings were hurt a little a bit.
Dr. Cox: "Feelings." That's a good one.
Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl, now. When you got divorced, you put people in the awkward position of choosing between having to choose between you and Perry.
Jordan: You're my brother!
Ben: Well, admittedly, that made it harder. Ooh, good one! "Me so cranky!" [growls]

Jill Tracy: [on the phone] No, Mom, I don't care what my third grade teacher is up to. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And scene. [disconnects] How are you?
Elliot: How are you? I haven't seen you since your breakdown.
Jill Tracy: [laughs] Oh, which one?
Elliot: Oh. So, what's new?
Jill Tracy: Last time I saw you I was really stressed. You know, the weight of the world on my shoulders. So guess what I did.
Elliot: Quit your job?
Jill Tracy: Flushed my fish down the toilet. No more feedings, no more bowl cleaning, no more being judged for having a second glass of wine.
Elliot: Oh, don't even get me started on judgmental fish.

Jill Tracy: But that sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel. I got hit on in Venice. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. For about ten minutes. It's very, very steep. Then I went to Florida to swim with Dolphins.
Elliot: Oh.
Jill Tracy: And I don't mean the fish. There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel.
Elliot: You.

Jill Tracy: Oh, I almost forgot! I'm engaged! Oh, right, there used to be a ring, but my fiance did some soul-searching and we decided that it needed to be a little more fancy.
Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is... Well, you're pregnant.
Jill Tracy: I'm what now?
Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fiance's gonna be so happy!
Jill Tracy: My fiance and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.
Jill Tracy: More curious, really, than happy.