Denise: Okay, Mr. Rego, I know you've been complaining about the bedpans being too cold, so I used an incubator in pediatrics to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.
Elliot: You know, I used to use an incubator to keep my lunch warm till some whiny new mom complained that her preemie smelled like a ham sandwich. Weird thing was, I had a tuna melt in there, not ham. Most newborns smell amazing. An unlucky few are ham babies.

J.D.: Okay, try and believe in us, guys. This thing has not been funny for eight years, when we were interns.
[flashback to Turk dancing, dressed like Laverne:][
Turk: [falsetto singing] I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. One, two, three, Jesus!
Nurse Roberts: I sure do love me some, Jesus.
Carla: I know, Laverne.
J.D.: You rang?
Turk: The messiah, ladies and gentlemen! The messiah.
J.D.: Shalom and nanu nanu, my friends.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, hell, no!
J.D.: Ruh-roh. [Nurse Roberts tackles J.D.]
Turk: There will be a 20-minute intermission.
[present:]
J.D.: I never saw her coming. She was killed in a car accident. I miss her. Anyway, let's be funny... for her.

Carla: Everything okay?
Janitor: I'm great. I just don't know what's real anymore. But that's okay, right? I mean, so what if big chunks of my life were just figments of my imagination? So I never went to China and had a baby with a local. Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.
Carla: Listen, this place can make anyone crazy. Once, after a double shift, I swore I went home and crawled into bed with Turk. Next day, I woke up in the on call room spooning Dr. Beardface. Now the guy's always slipping me hotel keys.
Janitor: [laughs] Can't believe you're being so nice to me when I almost punished you for something that never even happened. Please accept my apologies.
Carla: That was easier than I thought. No, beardface.

Elliot: So, how was last night, Denise?
Denise: I ended up staying here and finishing my casework.
Elliot: What the hell? I mean, at least with my patients, I'm used to being ignored, like Mr. Cooper after his triple bypass. I told him to start eating healthier. He goes right back to scarfing down bacon burgers. And do you want to know where he is now, Denise?
Denise: He's dead, isn't he?
Elliot: No, he just moved back to Phoenix. I was going to say that he was dead, but I think saying that about people who are still alive is a huge jinx. Look, when I kicked you out of the hospital last night... [cell phone rings] Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Nope, just my mom. Ignore.

Janitor: Good morning. Okay, I think we should just get this out in the open. I saw you pluck your special hair the other day. [imitates spring noises] Boing, boing. [imitates violin playing] I was there. I saw. The question is, what are we gonna do about it? I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good. I believe that you should give me the hair, because I've been scrap booking the most disgusting things that I can think of, and I want to put it on the page in between my decayed molars and my snug, which is a snail/slug hybrid that I was able to splice together in my garage unsuccessfully.
Carla: We didn't see each other yesterday.
Janitor: Well, that was unexpected.

J.D.: It's almost showtime. Let's work out some of the kinks. You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch, Make sure you re-he-he-he-he-he-he-heally stretch out all your words, okay? And under no circumstances are you to tell him that I wrote the joke implying he may have a sports car because he has a small penis. Unless he finds it hilarious, at which point, you will break character and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke." I will then stand, give a humble nod like so and then gesture for you to continue.

Turk: Meghan, you're playing Carla. That's my wife. Please show some respect. Kathy, you're playing Elliot, So I want to see some bug eyes, all right? And? Perfect. Plus find some cardboard. Stick it down the back of your pants, right? Make that ass flat, girl. Let me see what you got right now. Yeah, we can go flatter.
J.D.: We can go flatter.
Turk: We can go flatter!
J.D.: You know what? I've chewed on that thing, and it's flatter than day-old beer, I gotta tell ya. You know what? I made a funny. Turk, rewrite.
Turk: I am already on it.

Janitor: Unfortunately, milady, I saw what I saw. You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes.
Carla: Maybe you're just imagining things, like that time you thought you'd built a giant sand castle in the parking lot, or the time you said you hung J.D. up like a flag, totally defying the laws of physics.
Janitor: I did those things.
Carla: Did you?
Janitor: At least I thought I- Head games aren't gonna work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m. At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap. At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair off of your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home. Couldn't sleep a wink. Damndest thing.
Carla: Sad.
Janitor: Stop walking away from me. And now I'm sleepy again.

Intern: I'm Bob Kelso, and my life is so empty that I still come here every day to stuff my face with muffins. And I like prostitutes. [laughter]
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] That's funny 'cause it's true.

Todd: I'm so proud of you, man. You know, I've always emulated you. I shave my privates bald to look like your head.
Turk: Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.