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‘My Comedy Show’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Comedy Show

810. My Comedy Show

Aired February 10, 2009

When J.D. and Turk host a comedy show at the hospital, they learn what their colleagues think of their relationship. After the Janitor witnesses an embarrassing moment of hers, Carla tries to make him feel like he's losing his mind. Meanwhile, Elliot tells Denise to get out of the hospital more.

Quote from Elliot

Denise: Okay, Mr. Rego, I know you've been complaining about the bedpans being too cold, so I used nn incubator in pediatrics to warm this bad boy up for you. Enjoy.
Elliot: You know, I used to use an incubator to keep my lunch warm till some whiny new mom complained that her preemie smelled like a ham sandwich. Weird thing was, I had a tuna melt in there, not ham. Most newborns smell amazing. An unlucky few are ham babies.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Okay, try and believe in us, guys. This thing has not been funny for eight years, when we were interns.
[flashback to Turk dancing, dressed like Laverne:][
Turk: [falsetto singing] I love Jesus and Jesus loves me. One, two, three, Jesus!
Nurse Roberts: I sure do love me some, Jesus.
Carla: I know, Laverne.
J.D.: You rang?
Turk: The messiah, ladies and gentlemen! The messiah.
J.D.: Shalom and nanu nanu, my friends.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, hell, no!
J.D.: Ruh-roh. [Nurse Roberts tackles J.D.]
Turk: There will be a 20-minute intermission.
[present:]
J.D.: I never saw her coming. She was killed in a car accident. I miss her. Anyway, let's be funny... for her.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Everything okay?
Janitor: I'm great. I just don't know what's real anymore. But that's okay, right? I mean, so what if big chunks of my life were just figments of my imagination? So I never went to China and had a baby with a local. Maybe I was never in The Fugitive.
Carla: Listen, this place can make anyone crazy. Once, after a double shift, I swore I went home and crawled into bed with Turk. Next day, I woke up in the on call room spooning Dr. Beardface. Now the guy's always slipping me hotel keys.
Janitor: [laughs] Can't believe you're being so nice to me when I almost punished you for something that never even happened. Please accept my apologies.
Carla: That was easier than I thought. No, beardface.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So, how was last night, Denise?
Denise: I ended up staying here and finishing my casework.
Elliot: What the hell? I mean, at least with my patients, I'm used to being ignored, like Mr. Cooper after his triple bypass. I told him to start eating healthier. He goes right back to scarfing down bacon burgers. And do you want to know where he is now, Denise?
Denise: He's dead, isn't he?
Elliot: No, he just moved back to Phoenix. I was going to say that he was dead, but I think saying that about people who are still alive is a huge jinx. Look, when I kicked you out of the hospital last night... [cell phone rings] Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead. Nope, just my mom. Ignore.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Good morning. Okay, I think we should just get this out in the open. I saw you pluck your special hair the other day. [imitates spring noises] Boing, boing. [imitates violin playing] I was there. I saw. The question is, what are we gonna do about it? I have an idea. Let me speak first. May I? Good. I believe that you should give me the hair, because I've been scrap booking the most disgusting things that I can think of, and I want to put it on the page in between my decayed molars and my snug, which is a snail/slug hybrid that I was able to splice together in my garage unsuccessfully.
Carla: We didn't see each other yesterday.
Janitor: Well, that was unexpected.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: It's almost showtime. Let's work out some of the kinks. You guys doing the Dr. Cox sketch, Make sure you re-he-he-he-he-he-he-heally stretch out all your words, okay? And under no circumstances are you to tell him that I wrote the joke implying he may have a sports car because he has a small penis. Unless he finds it hilarious, at which point, you will break character and say, "John Dorian wrote that joke." I will then stand, give a humble nod like so and then gesture for you to continue.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Meghan, you're playing Carla. That's my wife. Please show some respect. Kathy, you're playing Elliot, So I want to see some bug eyes, all right? And? Perfect. Plus find some cardboard. Stick it down the back of your pants, right? Make that ass flat, girl. Let me see what you got right now. Yeah, we can go flatter.
J.D.: We can go flatter.
Turk: We can go flatter!
J.D.: You know what? I've chewed on that thing, and it's flatter than day-old beer, I gotta tell ya. You know what? I made a funny. Turk, rewrite.
Turk: I am already on it.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Unfortunately, milady, I saw what I saw. You either plucked a giant hair, or you have mini chest snakes.
Carla: Maybe you're just imagining things, like that time you thought you'd built a giant sand castle in the parking lot, or the time you said you hung J.D. up like a flag, totally defying the laws of physics.
Janitor: I did those things.
Carla: Did you?
Janitor: At least I thought I- Head games aren't gonna work on me. Unfortunately for you, I have a photographic memory. For instance, I arrived here yesterday at 7:45 a.m. At 7:50 a.m., I took a nap. At 2:45 p.m., I awoke to find you plucking a comically large hair off of your baby feeder. I then took my afternoon nap, then I went on break, and then I went home. Couldn't sleep a wink. Damndest thing.
Carla: Sad.
Janitor: Stop walking away from me. And now I'm sleepy again.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Intern: I'm Bob Kelso, and my life is so empty that I still come here every day to stuff my face with muffins. And I like prostitutes. [laughter]
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] That's funny 'cause it's true.

Quote from Todd

Todd: I'm so proud of you, man. You know, I've always emulated you. I shave my privates bald to look like your head.
Turk: Todd, I'm actually kind of touched.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Come on. What's going on?
Turk: They're gonna publish my old therapy paper.
J.D.: [v.o.] There it was. He wanted a hug, and I damn sure wanted to give him one. But all we could do was say this...
Both: Congrats.
Turk: Thanks, man.
J.D.: [v.o.] Don't look back. Fight it. Fight it. Damn it, you're only human.
J.D.: Turk!
[Turk runs towards J.D. from the opposite direction]
Turk: I ran all the way around.
[As J.D. and Turk hug, "Guy Love" plays]
J.D.: People are gonna look.
Turk: What people?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, my god, Caitlin, that baby's beautiful. [sniffs] Ham baby.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Carla: Mm. What? Oh, hell, no. Gotcha.
Janitor: Holy mackerel.
Carla: Oh, my God. This can't get any worse.
Dr. Kelso: That is one long-ass booby hair.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: Okay, well, then let's cut the leukemia sketch.
Turk: Dude, no! That sketch is gold.
J.D.: Well, if they're not naked, they're just sad and dying. What's funny about that?
Turk: We make 'em British.
J.D.: Good save. It's back in, but only because this man is a comic genius.
Turk: I have been called the black Wayne Brady.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Hey, Briana, Mrs. Tarasi. Just wanted to introduce you to Sunny and Denise. They're the interns who'll be covering the floor today.
Briana: Oh, cool. If you guys give me your cell numbers, I can text you if I need anything?
Mrs. Tarasi: These kids with their texting and their cell phones. Our generation never had that stuff.
Elliot: Yeah. I just kind of feel like, I don't know, there's three generations in the room right now.
Sunny: If you want to instant message me, my screen name is SunnyHoneyBunny.
Denise: Of course it is.
Mrs. Tarasi: Do you have teenagers?
Elliot: How old do you think I am?!

Quote from Denise

Elliot: Okay, Briana, your chest x-ray looks good. We should be able to get you home tomorrow. I'm just gonna go talk to your mom about some changes in your medication.
Sunny: Aren't moms the greatest? My mom bought me these scrubs last week just because. Oh, and this morning I found this little note. It says, "you're super special."
Denise: If that's what moms do, I'm glad I never met mine.

Quote from Denise

Briana: I love my mom, but I wish she would ease up a little. I mean, I know I'm sick, but not all the time, And she still never lets me leave the house. You know, I've never had a date. It's like she's so freaked out about me dying that she won't let me have a life.
[Sunny tries to give Briana her mom's cheerful note]
Denise: She doesn't want your stupid note.
Sunny: You don't know that.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Briana should totally get to live her life. I'm gonna go talk to her mom. But you guys gotta do me a favor. She's really starting to get in my head With this whole "we're the same age" thing. So I'm just gonna start throwing out numbers, and you guys stop me whenever I get to the age you think I look like, okay? 22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25- You know what? This is a really stupid game, okay? Aren't you guys late for some sketch show?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Howie: Hey, I'm the Todd. Wow, looks like we got a full house. I got a full house in my pants. Boom!
Katie: [British accent] Hello, I'm Dr. Beardface.
J.D.: I was up all night sewing.
Dr. Beardfacé: My beard is only this big.
Dr. Kelso: Lighten up, Seymour. I took my lumps.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Okay, one last chance to admit the truth before this gets ugly. Did I see the nurple hair or not?
Carla: You did not.
Janitor: And so it begins.

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