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32Quotes from ‘My Big Mouth’

Scrubs: My Big Mouth

204. My Big Mouth

Aired October 17, 2002

After Carla opens up to J.D. he shares her secret with Turk. Meanwhile, the surgical residents compete for a trip to Mexico with Dr. Kelso, and Elliot tries to get Dr. Cox to notice her by taking on the task of breaking bad news to his patients.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You're gonna love this one. Twenty-five-year-old woman, dancer, actually. Well, not anymore. I'm afraid we had to take both of her legs. Bilateral gangrene. And seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancers' union probably is not going to cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made her up! Come on, now, Barbie. You keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you. And then I'll be forced to jump off the roof, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high. And are you starting to see a pattern forming here?

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Quote from Janitor

Janitor: What's up?
J.D.: [v.o.] Be careful here. Don't give him anything.
J.D.: Nothing. What is up with you, man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall. You know, summer's gone, the days are shorter. It just makes me feel so... What's the word?
J.D.: Sad?
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad." I was going to say "it makes me feel so mop."
J.D.: Let me explain. I-
Janitor: Go ahead. I'm mopping.
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you mopn't.

Quote from Carla

J.D.: Rough day, huh? Well, maybe it would help to share with someone.
Carla: OK, you want in? You want me to open up?
J.D.: I think I can handle it.
Carla: Fine.
[fantasy: Carla peels back her forehead, revealing a white, glowing source of heat:]
Carla: I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I think, I don't like the way I feel about how I look and think.
[Carla's brain shoots a heat ray at J.D.'s face, which melts]
Carla: I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I am too short.
[reality:]
Carla: Plus, I woke up and cried because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] And some teams never really seem to get together.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I'm so glad I caught you-
Dr. Cox: And there it is again. That ringing in my ears. It's kind of an "aaaaaaay", but it's more piercing like an "eeeeeeeee".
J.D.: She's just trying to ask you a question.
Dr. Cox: Now, you, you're more of a low-pitched "ooh-gah-ooh-gah-ooh-gah". It's more masculine, which, quite frankly, is surprising, considering the source, but make no mistake, oh, just equally annoying. Luckily, though, I know how to make the pain go away. [exits] Ah, much better.

Quote from Carla

Mr. Hogan: Who can say no to 49-cent cheeseburgers?
Carla: Sure, but tack on the cost of the medicine, your room, and pumping your stomach, and that 49-cent cheeseburger's gonna run you in the neighborhood of $1,300.
Mr. Hogan: See, that's how they get you.
Carla: That's right.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Anyway, if you want, I could talk to his wife. Because I just really enjoy that kind of stuff.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute. Are you actually saying you enjoy telling people their spouses are going to die?
Elliot: ... Yep. I mean, I know that sounds a little bit weird, but I just really like being there for people. It's kind of why I became a doctor in the first place.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's nice to know where the magic began. [laughs] There you go.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: So, how are my girls today? Fantastic. Listen...
Carla: Dr. Kelso, if you're here to do one of your "How are my girls today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I should warn you I'm in a mood, so it's probably in your best interest to make up some lame excuse, turn around and leave.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that. [Carla stares him down] Luckily for you, I have to go see Miss Fitzstrafoler down in the foforopolous.
Carla: Attaboy.

Quote from Turk

Bonnie: So I'm doing a nissen gastric fundoplication, and you're doing yet another appendectomy. How fun for you.
Turk: Please, you call that smack talk? You should have asked me how it feels to be so far below you I wouldn't be able to read "Suck it, Turk" if you wrote it on the bottom of your shoe.
Bonnie: OK. How does that feel?
Turk: Damn.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: You see, that's what's really bothering me.
J.D.: What? Turk and Bonnie? They hate each other.
Carla: Then why's he doing his "You're so getting a piece of this" dance?
J.D.: He's not. That's his "In your face" dance. Or it's his "There's a sale on lotion" dance. I don't know. He's got so many dances.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Fork. Me can't eat soup! Aaaah!
J.D.: Look, I don't think you're stupid, OK? Your job requires a lot of know-how. It's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes or something. [Troy ladles out J.D.'s sloppy joes] You know, my uncle was a "joer." Yeah.
Janitor: Troy, let me fill you in on this guy.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: What's wrong with him?
Turk: I'm only going to Mexico 'cause Bonnie's not a guy.
Carla: I'm sorry, baby.
Turk: I can't believe you think I got a thing for her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, no.
Carla: Who told you that?
[fantasy: J.D. puts tape over Turk's mouth, so he signs the answer to Carla:]
Carla: J.D. told you that?
J.D.: Wait, when did you guys learn sign language? Night classes? Wait, when did I learn sign language?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Turk: I know Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we're going to be moving around a lot and I can't be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and nylons that come in plastic eggs.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don't you think that's a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know, sport. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can't keep up. Tell you what, let's stop jiggling each other's marbles. You decide who should go. That way, when you choose yourself, I won't have to deal with all this horrible guilt.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: There you go, prom queen. There is some really tragic stuff in there, so, you know, go nuts.
Elliot: All- All of these are your patients?
Dr. Cox: No. But when word got out about your little offer, a bunch of other docs wanted in.
Elliot: Oh, great. More for me.
[montage:]
Elliot: I'm afraid you have hepatitis.
Elliot: Meningitis.
Elliot: Esophogeo-gastro-duodeno-colitis.
Elliot: Yes, it's like being blind in one eye except you'll be blind in both.
Elliot: I'm really sorry, um... There's nothing more that we can do.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [phone ringing] Hello! We can hear you! Hello!
Troy: Why won't it stop ringing?
Janitor: Hello! For the love of God, hello!
J.D.: All right, look. OK, I never meant to insinuate you guys were stupid, all right? Everyone knows you're a hundred times smarter than the jackasses that run this place.
Dr. Kelso: Is that so, sport?
J.D.: No, sir. It's not so. Would you just go ahead and answer it already? [answers phone] Hello?
Janitor: [on cell phone; posh accent] Hello?
Troy: Hey, take that, smart guy.
Janitor: Troy, that's not how we do it.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: I just wanted to be colleagues.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, look, as long as you stay and work at this hospital, I'm always gonna be your superior. That's just the way it goes. Don't get me wrong, you can keep trying to connect with me. I mean, hell, you're so damn entertaining, you just might make some headway. But still, you might be better served, and this is a crazy notion, if you could stop worrying so much about who does and doesn't notice you. Even for a second. That'd be good. That'd be real good.


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