Jill Tracy: [on the phone] I don't care if it wasn't good first-date conversation, Michael deserved to know what I think about circumcising babies. I mean, over my dead body. What? Actually, no. No, it wasn't, which is surprising because he's Jewish.
Elliot: [to Dr. Cox] I gave her two Valium.
Jill Tracy: Okay, I'm e-mailing you as we're talking. How cool is that?
Dr. Cox: So she's actually sedated as we speak?
Elliot: Uh-huh.

Jill Tracy: Hey, Elliot. OK, first impressions. Did I scare Michael off?
Elliot: No.
Dr. Cox: No, not if he enjoys a big fat cup of crazy. Ms. Tracy, we're all extremely busy, so if we could get down to business-
Elliot: Oh, my God. I have the exact same e-maily-pagey thingy.
Jill Tracy: Get out!
[As Elliot and Jill get excited talking about their handhelds, a frustrated Dr. Cox leaves the room]

Jill Tracy: Okay, what if you've had three great dates and he likes you so much he hasn't even tried to have sex with you yet?
Elliot: Oh, I could sabotage that relationship in two phone calls.
Jill Tracy: I could do it in one.
Elliot: Jill, sabotage that relationship.
Jill Tracy: For starters, I would ask him why he finds me so repulsive. Then, I would coerce him into having phone sex with me, after which I would ask him if he thinks we have a future, and then I'd probably just cry until he hung up on me.

Jill Tracy: [on the phone] No, Mom, I don't care what my third grade teacher is up to. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And scene. [disconnects] How are you?
Elliot: How are you? I haven't seen you since your breakdown.
Jill Tracy: [laughs] Oh, which one?
Elliot: Oh. So, what's new?
Jill Tracy: Last time I saw you I was really stressed. You know, the weight of the world on my shoulders. So guess what I did.
Elliot: Quit your job?
Jill Tracy: Flushed my fish down the toilet. No more feedings, no more bowl cleaning, no more being judged for having a second glass of wine.
Elliot: Oh, don't even get me started on judgmental fish.

Jill Tracy: But that sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel. I got hit on in Venice. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. For about ten minutes. It's very, very steep. Then I went to Florida to swim with Dolphins.
Elliot: Oh.
Jill Tracy: And I don't mean the fish. There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel.
Elliot: You.

Jill Tracy: Oh, I almost forgot! I'm engaged! Oh, right, there used to be a ring, but my fiance did some soul-searching and we decided that it needed to be a little more fancy.
Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is... Well, you're pregnant.
Jill Tracy: I'm what now?
Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fiance's gonna be so happy!
Jill Tracy: My fiance and I decided not to have sex until we were married.
Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.
Jill Tracy: More curious, really, than happy.

Elliot: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Jill Tracy: [on the phone] Tim, sweetie, I wouldn't have slept with someone else if I didn't love you so much.
Elliot: No, no, no, no, no! Stop! Hang up the phone!
Jill Tracy: Hold on one second. Hold on! Hi!
Elliot: Your last name is Tracy! Well, of course you know that your last name is Tracy. But what you don't know is there's a woman in 308 whose first name is Tracy. So I started thinking about your urine sample and how you always carry that water bottle with you and stay well-hydrated, which is why your pee is a much lighter color than most people's, and then I remember the sample that came back with your name on was bright yellow, and the other Tracy, well, she is not much of a water drinker, which is why I think her skin looks so pasty.
Jill Tracy: OK, sweetie, I'm going to need you to get to the point.
Elliot: You're not pregnant! The lab tech just switched the samples.
Jill Tracy: You're killin' me. [on the phone] Hey, sweetie, you know I was joking about all that stuff, right?

Jill Tracy: Hey guys, how are you? I'm great. You know me, I'm up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion Nazi on the E! Network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh, guess who's ear-deep in mint-chocolate chip ice cream. Me.
J.D.: You know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake. Except, watch out. If that block's not totally melted, hits you in the face!
Jill Tracy: Oh, that'd go everywhere.
J.D.: Yeah, one time I got Chunky Monkey in my eye.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess the problem with only listening to a patient for fifteen seconds is, sometimes you don't hear everything and when you finally realize what they were trying to say, you might've lost them forever.
J.D.: Ms. Tracy.
Jill Tracy: Hey, guys!
J.D.: We need to talk.
Jill Tracy: About what?
Dr. Cox: How have things been going lately?
Jill Tracy: Okay? Why, uh- Ah. Actually it has, uh, been a couple of rough months.
Dr. Cox: Come on, Jill. Come on.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can never underestimate the importance of listening.

Jill Tracy: Oh, my God, what are you doing here? I was supposed to meet a guy for a date. I know what you're thinking. A Tuesday lunch date at the supermarket, he is so not into her. Well, guess what? He's not. [all laugh] I've been waiting for, like, an hour just thinking how many more guys from my yoga class can totally reject me without me saying, "Enough!" You know? Yogurt pretzels? Yum. These are addictive. I'm going to have one anyway. So, you guys wanna grab some lunch?
J.D.: Oh, we have to get back to the hospital.
Jill Tracy: Bummer. Trail mix? [growling sound] I won't. I'll have some. I'll have some.