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40Quotes from ‘My Heavy Meddle’

Scrubs: My Heavy Meddle

116. My Heavy Meddle

Aired February 26, 2002

J.D. and Elliot are trying to avoid each other following their break-up, but Turk asks her to co-write a paper with him. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox goes on a destructive rampage, and Carla tries to fulfill a coma patient's wishes.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You are not gonna believe what Dr. Cox- It's you.
Elliot: Yeah. It's me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh. Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with?
[fantasy:]
Janitor: If this is a peripheral vascular disease study, then I'd find it essential to exclude all claudication patients not currently on pentoxifylline. What are you lookin' at?

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, would you look at this hellhole? If I have to see more broken-down equipment, one more gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself that I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can catch on fire like the Human Torch. And mark my words, Newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back here to destroy this place.
J.D.: I used to like the Silver Surfer. Hang ten! Hang-

Quote from J.D.

Bartender: You owe me $53.
J.D.: I think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
[later:]
Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never said I was a doctor.

Quote from Turk

Turk: So you did this last night?
Elliot: Yeah. Why? What'd you do?
Turk: Carla had to work, so I scarfed down a bunch of fast food, right, and I got back home at around seven. Then I went to the bathroom at eight. I got outta there at 11.15. It was a good night!
Elliot: I'm a nervous poo-er.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] The only real positive is that a hospital's like one big family. So if one relationship ends, there are others around you can rely on.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I was wondering-
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, it's a good place to heal.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess after a while you just get used to Dr. Cox's rants.
Dr. Cox: And of course the lab tech is nowhere to be found, so I can't get that tox screen I was looking for. What do you say we write him a friendly note, shall we? "Dear incompetent dumb-ass." [pencil snaps]
J.D.: [v.o.] The truth is, Dr. Cox isn't really angry, he's just amusing himself.
[Dr. Cox knocks a computer monitor off the desk.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he's a little angry.
[Dr. Cox sweeps a bunch of vials and beakers off a counter]
J.D.: We didn't need those. So, all done?
[Dr. Cox picks up a stool and throws it through an internal window towards a bunch of nervous onlookers]
J.D.: He broke his pencil.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Interesting. It isn't often I'm paged by a nurse. As a matter of fact, the last time was when... Oh, what was her name? She hasn't worked here since then. Oh, never mind. What can I do for you and your coma patient?
Carla: Well, I came across Mr. Rice's advance directive, and he has a few requests he would like us to honor.
Dr. Kelso: Let's see. Blinds open? That's done. Incense burning? [sprays breath freshener] Close enough. Glad you called.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, he also wants to hear Poison's Talk Dirty to Me once a day.
Dr. Kelso: He wants to hear whose what?
Carla: Poison. It's a heavy metal band.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, like Mötley Crüe and Winger. My son was a bit of a headbanger.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Who is it?
[J.D. gasps as he looks through the peephole and sees Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Listen up, little piggy, you open up this door in the next three seconds or I will start huffing and puffing.
J.D.: But, Dr. Cox, I... [Dr. Cox holds up one finger, then two...] OK! OK!
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear Lord, please tell me that's not a onesie.
J.D.: Look, I'd invite you in-
Dr. Cox: Marcia, I've no interest in coming in.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Okay, so we can finish the synopsis for chapter four, and process the Stegemann data if we pull an all-nighter.
Turk: Elliot, this isn't due for another month.
Elliot: Yeah, but if we finish one week early, we can just sit back and play with the fonts and margins.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So we're here. What do you wanna talk about?
Dr. Cox: Well, if you don't toss that shot back, I'm gonna throw you up on the bar and make you sing the theme song from Endless Love.
J.D.: Yucky.
Dr. Cox: Yucky?
J.D.: Yucky.
Dr. Cox: My God, I'm drinking with a mouseketeer.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Could you turn that off, please?
Carla: What?
Dr. Kelso: I thought I told you not to play that in the house... Uh, hospital.
Carla: I'm just trying to do right by my patient.
Dr. Kelso: Well, as of this moment, he is no longer your patient.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, you-
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, when I asked you to leave it alone, I wasn't really asking you. It's like when I ask the paperboy to avoid hitting my rosebushes. I'm not leaving it up to him. I'm saying you damn well better do it or I'm going to forget to put the chain on Baxter. Now get on out of here and take that boom blaster with you!

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, don't get me wrong. Love getting drunk in my jammies just as much as the next guy, but it's late, so...
Dr. Cox: Thanks for coming out, Newbie. Hope this whole thing wasn't too yucky for you.
J.D.: You seem fine, so I'm...
Dr. Cox: I am not fine. I mean, why do you think we're out here at this bar at two o'clock in the morning? Just so we can go in the urinal and piss on the ice?
J.D.: I love to melt the middle.
Dr. Cox: We're out here because if I go home and go to sleep, the only thing I'm going to be able to think about is I gotta get up in the morning and go back to that place. And you wanna know something, pal? I got nothing. Honest to God, I got nothing. I'm cooked.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Carla: Bambi, I warned you about getting caught up in Dr. Cox's wake, but does he listen?
Nurse Roberts: You'd think so with those ears.
J.D.: Uncalled for, okay?

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: It's different. He showed up at my place.
Carla: He showed up at my house.
Nurse Roberts: He showed up at my mama's on mother's day.
Ted: Ruined my wedding.
J.D.: You know what? I know you guys think he's just gonna shake all this off and be fine, but I'm telling you I connected with the guy, and there is no way in hell he's just going to walk through this door and have a big smile on his face.
Dr. Cox: Woo-hoo! What do you say, sports fans? [in a Scottish accent] It's a great day!

Quote from Turk

Turk: You know what's the cool thing about this movie? It's that this could really happen.
Elliot: Which part? The Russians invading Michigan, or C Thomas Howell being a tough guy?
Turk: Both.
J.D.: Wolverines.

Quote from Carla

Carla: [singing] And baby we'll be At the drive-in
Ted: [singing] In the old man's Ford
Both: [singing] Behind the bushes Till I'm screaming for more Down the basement Lock the cellar door And baby Talk dirty to Me
Ted: I love you.
Carla: What?
Ted: [singing] Know that we'll be
Both: [singing] At the drive-in


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