J.D.: You are not gonna believe what Dr. Cox- It's you.
Elliot: Yeah. It's me.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ugh. Could Turk have picked anyone worse to be doing this project with?
[fantasy:]
Janitor: If this is a peripheral vascular disease study, then I'd find it essential to exclude all claudication patients not currently on pentoxifylline. What are you lookin' at?

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God, would you look at this hellhole? If I have to see more broken-down equipment, one more gomer who is shuffled back and forth between some godforsaken home, one more patient who is denied treatment because they got the wrong insurance, I... There are times when I'm all by myself that I concentrate as hard as I can to see if I can catch on fire like the Human Torch. And mark my words, Newbie, if I ever pull it off, I will be back here to destroy this place.
J.D.: I used to like the Silver Surfer. Hang ten! Hang-

Bartender: You owe me $53.
J.D.: I think I left my wallet in my other onesie.
[later:]
Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never said I was a doctor.

Turk: So you did this last night?
Elliot: Yeah. Why? What'd you do?
Turk: Carla had to work, so I scarfed down a bunch of fast food, right, and I got back home at around seven. Then I went to the bathroom at eight. I got outta there at 11.15. It was a good night!
Elliot: I'm a nervous poo-er.

Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.

J.D.: [v.o.] The only real positive is that a hospital's like one big family. So if one relationship ends, there are others around you can rely on.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I was wondering-
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B-cup.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yeah, it's a good place to heal.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess after a while you just get used to Dr. Cox's rants.
Dr. Cox: And of course the lab tech is nowhere to be found, so I can't get that tox screen I was looking for. What do you say we write him a friendly note, shall we? "Dear incompetent dumb-ass." [pencil snaps]
J.D.: [v.o.] The truth is, Dr. Cox isn't really angry, he's just amusing himself.
[Dr. Cox knocks a computer monitor off the desk.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he's a little angry.
[Dr. Cox sweeps a bunch of vials and beakers off a counter]
J.D.: We didn't need those. So, all done?
[Dr. Cox picks up a stool and throws it through an internal window towards a bunch of nervous onlookers]
J.D.: He broke his pencil.

Dr. Kelso: Interesting. It isn't often I'm paged by a nurse. As a matter of fact, the last time was when... Oh, what was her name? She hasn't worked here since then. Oh, never mind. What can I do for you and your coma patient?
Carla: Well, I came across Mr. Rice's advance directive, and he has a few requests he would like us to honor.
Dr. Kelso: Let's see. Blinds open? That's done. Incense burning? [sprays breath freshener] Close enough. Glad you called.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, he also wants to hear Poison's Talk Dirty to Me once a day.
Dr. Kelso: He wants to hear whose what?
Carla: Poison. It's a heavy metal band.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, like Mötley Crüe and Winger. My son was a bit of a headbanger.

J.D.: Who is it?
[J.D. gasps as he looks through the peephole and sees Dr. Cox]
Dr. Cox: Listen up, little piggy, you open up this door in the next three seconds or I will start huffing and puffing.
J.D.: But, Dr. Cox, I... [Dr. Cox holds up one finger, then two...] OK! OK!
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear Lord, please tell me that's not a onesie.
J.D.: Look, I'd invite you in-
Dr. Cox: Marcia, I've no interest in coming in.

Elliot: Okay, so we can finish the synopsis for chapter four, and process the Stegemann data if we pull an all-nighter.
Turk: Elliot, this isn't due for another month.
Elliot: Yeah, but if we finish one week early, we can just sit back and play with the fonts and margins.