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‘My Intern's Eyes’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Intern's Eyes

501. My Intern's Eyes

Aired January 3, 2006

Now an attending physician, J.D. has to oversee a group of interns on their first day, while still worrying about what Dr. Cox thinks of him. Meanwhile, Turk has seconds thoughts about getting pregnant, and Elliot starts her fellowship at another hospital.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Good morning, colleague.
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely not.
J.D.: What, tall, dark and ccary? I can wear whatever the hell I- What are you doing?
Dr. Cox: This is my new imaginary warning light. When it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kill someone. One, two, three, four... seven, eight, nine and ten.
J.D.: I had a little trouble getting my BabyGap T-shirt off.
Dr. Cox: It'll happen.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men.
J.D.: Yes, we are.
Dr. Cox: The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course, men! So I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
J.D.: Damn it!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one. This way, he moves up to the top. Come on!
J.D.: Then why didn't you tell me?
Dr. Cox: Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys and a lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the last couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down, it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings kill us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what type of attending you're gonna be.
J.D.: Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself. You know what? This is my last one. Here, take it. Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Yep! Life was different.
Man: Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?
J.D.: [v.o.] This didn't feel like my scooter.
J.D.: Ow! Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses, here's your driving scarf and here are your driving gloves. Fine, here's your driving sock.
J.D.: [v.o.] I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending, I had picked out a whole new look.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Being Turk's secret roommate was going great. [knocking] Until now.
Carla: Turk? I'm leaving for work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, you've been working on your Turk impression since college. Time to shine!
Carla: Turk?
J.D.: [Turk's voice] Baby, I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business.
Carla: Don't forget to use the Glade!
Turk: Dude, that's the best it's ever sounded!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure. Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK? That way we'll loosen up some fluid around his lungs. The good news is he'll go home tomorrow. The bad news is if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list. See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing until he caught how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22. See, in 1492, Columbus-
Dr. Cox: Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.
J.D.: Oh, you guys can skedaddle.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel. But that's not the only thing that's changed around here. I'm an attending, a licensed badass. Elliot actually works at a different hospital. She's trying to lay low at first. And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.
Carla: Here you go, baby. I know you love foreplay, but I only have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich.
Turk: That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Carla: Over here, Turk.
Turk: My bad, baby.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: How depressing is it being you? Seriously. Would you equate it more to being a lifelong Cub fan, or to, say, being born without lips?
J.D.: Born without lips.
Janitor: I know a guy. His house just burned down.
J.D.: How sad.
Janitor: Well, he was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous. "I have a snake face."

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Booga-booga-booga! [laughs] I love interns.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I'm a little sick of the Turks.
Omar: Excuse me?
Elliot: Not you, Omar. I love your people. I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: The Turks are sneaky. Not you guys. I think Omar took my pudding.

Quote from Elliot

Nurse: Dr. Reid? Need some help?
Elliot: I don't need anyone's help. [to the machine] Stop running!
Doctor: Doctor, do you know where the Foley caths are?
Elliot: Sir, I know where everything is. Be right back. Stupid coffee robot! Frick!
[Elliot runs out of the hospital, hops in her car, drives to Sacred Heart, parks outside and runs into a supply closet:]
Elliot: Don't sweat it. I used to hide here when I worked at this place. I'm on a fellowship now. Foley cath, please. Thanks.
[Elliot rushes out of Sacred Heart, back to her car, parks outside the new hospital, runs back inside and tries not to slip on the coffee all over the floor:]
Doctor: Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle?
Elliot: Ahh. Frick fricky frick frick!

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: So you're going to the university for a transplant! Well, come back and see us, OK? Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bobbo, I was going to treat him, but then I lost my stethoscope, and that's-
J.D.: He's my patient, Bob. I'm responsible.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I have kept my mouth shut about all the recent sexual harassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk, or, say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl and call him Kelso-san.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. But now I need to know, is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.
Dr. Kelso: Anything else?
J.D.: [v.o.] I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm pretending to drink to seem nonchalant.
J.D.: No.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know what I've been doing? I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD to get pumped up to talk to you? Here. [hands Dr. Cox one of his "man cards"]
Dr. Cox: Yep.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Listen, today if you bother me, could you do it without being around me? I have new interns starting.
Can you imagine what it's like to see this place through their eyes the first time?
Todd: Something on your shirt, kid. Oh. Ha-ha! Classic!
Jordan: Hey Sparky, it's five dollars a minute to stare in public. It's free in private, [purrs]
Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport.
Ted: Get out while you still can. Seriously, get out while you still can.
Nurse Roberts: Junior, have you seen Johnny? You know, Alzheimer's patient, likes to tackle people? Has anybody seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?
J.D.: Hey, you must be Keith. Don't look so nervous, buddy. I got your back.
Johnny: Who am I?
J.D.: [groans]
Nurse Roberts: I found him.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing. Dynamite bangs.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, guys. Follow me. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, we're lucky. This is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein, there, Reverend Mayhem?
Reverend Mayhem: No problem.
J.D.: Good work, buddy. Stay in school. Mr. Kellerman, how're you feeling?
Mr. Kellerman: Not great.
J.D.: Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha! Humor is a great icebreaker for patients, OK? Follow me.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork, but I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's-side car door.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass, they should meet. Dorian, after four years, I hope you are no longer following in his footsteps.
J.D.: I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect to the fellas in the lab. There's an asparagus issue.
Dr. Kelso: Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.
J.D.: Thanks, Dr. Kelso! You know, he said "half-sincere," but I think it was full-sincere. Feel my shoulder, it's warm.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.
Turk: [pained] One, please!
J.D.: [v.o.] Afterwards, we talked about my living arrangements.
J.D.: Are you sure about this?
Turk: You shouldn't stay in a hotel, so stay here until you find a place.
J.D.: Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell here?
Turk: I don't know. What do you think?
Carla: Turk? Is that you? [thud, backpack zips]
Turk: [pained] Yes. I'll be right in, baby.
Carla: OK.
J.D.: [gasps] Dude, you left your gym shorts in here!
Turk: Look, I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can, so it'd be about a hour and a half.
J.D.: Wait! Could you just quickly scratch my nose? Ahh. Ooh. OK. OK. Don't zip me up!

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Oh, babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and all my change fell out.
J.D.: Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating.
Turk: Maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.
J.D.: Well, maybe a 100 times wasn't enough, I don't know.
Dr. Cox: Absolutely no lovers' quarrels. [takes another card]
J.D.: Damn it!

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