‘My Intern's Eyes’
Season 5, Episode 1 - Aired January 3, 2006
Now an attending physician, J.D. has to oversee a group of interns on their first day, while still worrying about what Dr. Cox thinks of him. Meanwhile, Turk has seconds thoughts about getting pregnant, and Elliot starts her fellowship at another hospital.
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: Good morning, colleague.
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely not.
J.D.: What, tall, dark and ccary? I can wear whatever the hell I- What are you doing?
Dr. Cox: This is my new imaginary warning light. When it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kill someone. One, two, three, four... seven, eight, nine and ten.
J.D.: I had a little trouble getting my BabyGap T-shirt off.
Dr. Cox: It'll happen.
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you've somehow managed to become a member of a club that I belong to. Obviously there was no vote. Because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming, "Nay, nay, oh, dear God, one thousand times nay!" That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men.
J.D.: Yes, we are.
Dr. Cox: The women are men. The children are men. The men, of course, men! So I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards. Hold them very dear, because every time you drop the ball, man-wise, I'm going to take one from you.
J.D.: I don't need your approval or your stupid man cards. Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
J.D.: Damn it!
Quote from Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die waiting for one. This way, he moves up to the top. Come on!
J.D.: Then why didn't you tell me?
Dr. Cox: Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys and a lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute. From now on, the buck stops with you. And I know you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the last couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down, it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is for you to go by the book. And I got news for you on that front: By-the-book attendings kill us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman 'cause I don't know what type of attending you're gonna be.
J.D.: Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself. You know what? This is my last one. Here, take it. Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yep! Life was different.
Man: Hey! Did you take my Porsche from the valet?
J.D.: [v.o.] This didn't feel like my scooter.
J.D.: Ow! Look, no harm done. Here are your driving glasses, here's your driving scarf and here are your driving gloves. Fine, here's your driving sock.
J.D.: [v.o.] I didn't care, because now that I'm an attending, I had picked out a whole new look.
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: [v.o.] Being Turk's secret roommate was going great. [knocking] Until now.
Carla: Turk? I'm leaving for work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay, you've been working on your Turk impression since college. Time to shine!
Carla: Turk?
J.D.: [Turk's voice] Baby, I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot until the second I see you, but right now, I'm doing my business.
Carla: Don't forget to use the Glade!
Turk: Dude, that's the best it's ever sounded!
Quote from J.D.
J.D.: Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure. Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK? That way we'll loosen up some fluid around his lungs. The good news is he'll go home tomorrow. The bad news is if he's not here, he won't move up the heart transplant list. See, in medicine, there are lots of Catch-22s, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman who would stay out fishing until he caught how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22. See, in 1492, Columbus-
Dr. Cox: Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you would probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.
J.D.: Oh, you guys can skedaddle.
Quote from Turk
J.D.: [v.o.] Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living at a hotel. But that's not the only thing that's changed around here. I'm an attending, a licensed badass. Elliot actually works at a different hospital. She's trying to lay low at first. And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.
Carla: Here you go, baby. I know you love foreplay, but I only have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich.
Turk: That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Carla: Over here, Turk.
Turk: My bad, baby.
Quote from Janitor
Janitor: How depressing is it being you? Seriously. Would you equate it more to being a lifelong Cub fan, or to, say, being born without lips?
J.D.: Born without lips.
Janitor: I know a guy. His house just burned down.
J.D.: How sad.
Janitor: Well, he was smoking in bed. He shouldn't smoke, 'cause he looks ridiculous. "I have a snake face."
Quote from Elliot
Elliot: I'm a little sick of the Turks.
Omar: Excuse me?
Elliot: Not you, Omar. I love your people. I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.