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40Quotes from ‘My Dream Job’

Scrubs: My Dream Job

222. My Dream Job

Aired April 17, 2003

At the end of their second year, the residents are starting to feel the pressure of their jobs. J.D. and Turk get a chance to lighten up when their college friend Spence (guest star Ryan Reynolds) comes to visit. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox learns the truth about Jordan's baby, and Dr. Kelso tries to break Elliot's spirit.

Quote from Ted

Elliot: Every time I turn around, Kelso's there. Ted, he's trying to break my spirit. I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like? [Ted points to his face] I'm sorry. Of course you do.
Ted: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid? Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam.
Ted: I have stress-induced dyslexia and you know that, Dr. Oslek.


Quote from J.D.

Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. Maybe it would be easier if I just told you whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.
Spence: Now, that's one of the perks you never hear about. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dream job.
[fantasy: John Dorian, Chocolate King, sits in a chocolate office eating chocolate, with his assistant Turk writing on a chocolate typewriter. "The Candy Man" plays. As J.D. tires of the chocolate egg and chocolate hearts, he pulls off Turk's arm and bites off a finger:]
Turk: Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: I don't know.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty, Wilma. What the hell? You're only 40 minutes late. Do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash: you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: No, you look. If someone had asked me just this morning, is there any way that I could have any less respect for you two geniuses, I would have said, "No, no, that's not possible". But lo and behold, you pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead you're going to have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now, go home. You're not fit to work tonight.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: I make more than you do.
J.D.: What?
Janitor: I saw your paycheck and I've been dying to tell you, I make more than you do. Quite a bit more.
J.D.: You couldn't have seen my paycheck.
Janitor: Right. Because there's no way I could access the personnel files. [holds up keys] Just impossible. By the way, 987654320.
J.D.: That's my Social Security number.
Janitor: No. That's your PIN number.
J.D.: No, my PIN number is 3674.
Janitor: Bingo.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: I haven't perused the latest nursing contract, I'm guessing it doesn't say "show up when you damn well please.
Dr. Cox: Well, hey, Bob, here's an idea. What say you stop showing up altogether and we'll just replace you with a giant time clock? Oh, an if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every few minutes and say, "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."

Quote from Carla

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, do you by any chance know what time your 9.30 shift starts?
Carla: 9:30?
Dr. Kelso: See, that's what I would've said. But then I had Ted stand out in the parking lot and monitor your arrival times this week. Ted?
Ted: 9:34, 9:39, 9:41, 9:33, and 9:50.
Carla: How is that law degree working out for you, Ted?
Ted: I was going to be a senator.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] As for us, it was the end of our second year, and somehow each day had begun to feel the same. You see, after a while, your residency boils down to just a few things. Paperwork. The three prescriptions every patient gets.
Elliot: Give her acetaminophen for her headache, Restoril so she'll sleep, and Colace so she'll poop.
J.D.: [v.o.] Paperwork. Mind-numbing monotony. And, of course, paperwork.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Carla, college wasn't all sex and coats. Spence here got me through a lot of hard times.
[flashback to college:]
Spence: Why don't you just mousse the crap out of it? Straight up.
J.D.: Yes.
J.D.: My life changed that day.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] OK, he hasn't said a word in over ten minutes. The hell with it. I'm going in.
J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't "See you," then the third will be, "Oh, my God. My crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
J.D.: See you.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Wow. Dr. Reid, do an ABG on bed four without waking him. Dr., uh, Young Asian Fellow, bed seven needs a central line. And Dr. Murphy and Dr. Eager Beaver, step forward.
J.D.: [v.o.] This is it. Last man standing.
Dr. Kelso: What are the four differential diagnoses of the persistent ST elevation on any EKG? Dorian.
J.D.: Ischemia.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy.
Doug: Aneurysm.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian.
J.D.: Pericarditis.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy.
Doug: Pass.
J.D.: [v.o.] Ah, Doug. At least you're going to a more chocolaty place.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir, the whole keep-us-scared thing. Grr. [laughs] I'm OK with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid. Even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. You see, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed. And while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack. I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself, really ask yourself, if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll and re-suture that wound.

Quote from Jordan

Dr. Cox: Why are you doing this?
Jordan: I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry, because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now. One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-sized pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller. Well, guess what? Things are different now. We have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise you're coming with me.
Dr. Cox: [kisses Jordan] You go home. I'll meet you there later.
Jordan: Bring dinner. You're a father. Can you believe it?
Dr. Cox: [to himself] Nope.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Why am I not leaving, Dr. Reid? Because I don't want to miss you breaking down and weeping in front of everyone. Here it comes. Great big tears. Great big crocodile tears.
J.D.: See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
[Dr. Cox walks over, taps Dr. Kelso on the shoulder, and punches him in the face]
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one. I'm going home to see my son. Excuse me there, Bobbo.
Ted: [laughs]
Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Right in the nose. Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] That may come up tomorrow.

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