Janitor: Doctor.
J.D.: Janitor. What's that smell?
Janitor: I don't know. Although it smells a little bit like the truth. My poor wife slaved over these.
J.D.: She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. What's the big deal?
Janitor: What's the big deal? Well, the Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers. She's only got pointer and thumb-pinky.

Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a week? Let me ask you a quick question. Are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery and all that person has to do, really, is, oh, I don't know, go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad and you come back here looking like that. And I know, I know. Here I am, supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap. But you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact. You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On, did you go ahead and tattle on me?
Ted: Oh, please with the shocked look. Newsflash, I'm sterile. I mean, gutless. My guys swim in circles. I think it's the bike riding.

Dr. Cox: Okay, Mr. Weisfelner, the angioplasty went well. But here's the thing. It is on you, partner. You got to start watching what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass, okay?
J.D.: It's on you, partner.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon. Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween. But our thing is that you're a little girl. That's who you are. But that's not really not fair....

Janitor: Anyway, what's the deal? We're shorts buddies today. You saw the schedule. Monday, Tuesday, shorts. Wednesday, we wash 'em. Thursday, Friday, shorts. Weekend, optional. I'll be wearing shorts.
J.D.: You know, I was gonna wear them, but you know someone went and stole 'em out of my locker.
Janitor: What?
J.D.: Yes.
Janitor: Let me see.
[later, as J.D. leaves the hospital and passes by a dumpster:]
J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, you get good at thinking on your feet. I was able to protect the janitor's feelings. Plus, he totally bought it.
Janitor: Mentiroso!

Ted: OK, gang, before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: Teensy snafus? Good God, Ted. It's not a Dr. Seuss story. Now, listen up, name tags. Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding. Stop bleeding. Oh, God, please stop bleeding."
Doug: It was a gusher.

Nurse Roberts: Dr. Cox, would you like to try one of my world-famous deviled eggs?
Dr. Cox: No, thank you, I've already had diarrhea.

Dr. Cox: If you wanna know the real skinny. If you wanna be good doctors and nurses, you'd damn sure better get ready to get in trouble a lot, because patients are stupid and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that too. But it really comes down to whether you have the guts to say what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say...

Elliot: Looks like rope burn to me.
J.D.: Oh, no, this is a rash from my new watch. They didn't tell me the band was made out of... cat.

Janitor: So anyway, you said you like mine, so I had the wife whip you up a pair of your own. You like 'em?
J.D.: Do I like 'em? Why, just the other day I was asking myself, how can I display my package in a way that's alluring and professional?
Janitor: Well, there's your answer. [laughs] Ah, to be young and in shorts.