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41Quotes from ‘My Drama Queen’

Scrubs: My Drama Queen

221. My Drama Queen

Aired April 10, 2003

When J.D. starts to feel that Jamie is no longer excited by their relationship, Elliot theorizes that she's only interested in drama. Dr. Cox is put in charge of teaching a seminar on doctor-patient communication after Dr. Kelso sees him berate a patient. Meanwhile, Carla reconsiders her wedding plans after her mother dies.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Doctor.
J.D.: Janitor. What's that smell?
Janitor: I don't know. Although it smells a little bit like the truth. My poor wife slaved over these.
J.D.: She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. What's the big deal?
Janitor: What's the big deal? Well, the Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers. She's only got pointer and thumb-pinky.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a week? Let me ask you a quick question. Are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery and all that person has to do, really, is, oh, I don't know, go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad and you come back here looking like that. And I know, I know. Here I am, supposed to be Dr. Give-A-Crap. But you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact. You are what you eat. And you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn't ya?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Okay, Mr. Weisfelner, the angioplasty went well. But here's the thing. It is on you, partner. You got to start watching what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass, okay?
J.D.: It's on you, partner.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon. Thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. Now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years. How is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays. I like their music. I like their sense of style. I especially like what they've done with Halloween. But our thing is that you're a little girl. That's who you are. But that's not really not fair....

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Anyway, what's the deal? We're shorts buddies today. You saw the schedule. Monday, Tuesday, shorts. Wednesday, we wash 'em. Thursday, Friday, shorts. Weekend, optional. I'll be wearing shorts.
J.D.: You know, I was gonna wear them, but you know someone went and stole 'em out of my locker.
Janitor: What?
J.D.: Yes.
Janitor: Let me see.
[later, as J.D. leaves the hospital and passes by a dumpster:]
J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, you get good at thinking on your feet. I was able to protect the janitor's feelings. Plus, he totally bought it.
Janitor: Mentiroso!

Quote from Ted

Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On. Did you go ahead and tattle on me?
Ted: Oh, please, with the shocked look. Newsflash, I'm sterile. I mean, gutless. My guys swim in circles. I think it's the bike riding.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Ted: OK, gang, before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: Teensy snafus? Good God, Ted. It's not a Dr. Seuss story. Now, listen up, name tags. Over 50 per cent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding. Stop bleeding. Oh, God, please stop bleeding."
Doug: It was a gusher.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Nurse Roberts: Dr. Cox, would you like to try one of my world-famous deviled eggs?
Dr. Cox: No, thank you, I've already had diarrhea.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: If you wanna know the real skinny. If you wanna be good doctors and nurses, you'd damn sure better get ready to get in trouble a lot, because patients are stupid and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that too. But it really comes down to whether you have the guts to say what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say...

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Looks like rope burn to me.
J.D.: Oh, no, this is a rash from my new watch. They didn't tell me the band was made out of... cat.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: So anyway, you said you like mine, so I had the wife whip you up a pair of your own. You like 'em?
J.D.: Do I like 'em? Why, just the other day I was asking myself, how can I display my package in a way that's alluring and professional?
Janitor: Well, there's your answer. [laughs] Ah, to be young and in shorts.

Quote from Todd

Dr. Cox: And what about you there, Beavis?
Todd: Oh, uh
[flashback:]
Woman: You know, doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your endo.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's great stuff.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and get us started?
Ted: [clears throat] People, we're here today-
Dr. Cox: Snore. New idea. We're all going to clam up for about an hour so I can get some shuteye. Oh, and nervous guy?
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm going to use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely airtight, son.
Doug: [chokes]

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] When you're dating a woman whose husband just died after two years in a coma, you can't help but have doubts about the relationship. I guess all you can do is be a man and face those doubts.
Jamie: What are you thinking about?
J.D.: Eggs. You know, one minute they're bad for you, now everybody's, "Hey, you tried eggs? They're great." It's crazy. Eggs.
Jamie: You know what? Forget I asked.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: This is exactly like the dress I bought. Oh, I didn't already buy a wedding dress. I'm not dating anybody, so that would be crazy, whether it was half off or not.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Shorts, huh?
Janitor: Yeah. I don't get to wear shorts 'cause I'm a lowly janitor?
J.D.: I didn't say lowly.
Janitor: Oh, so now I'm a janitor?
J.D.: Yes. Have you been drinking?
Janitor: I'm not drunk.
J.D.: I love your shorts, okay? I wish I had a pair just like them.

Quote from Doug

Dr. Kelso: Next catastrophe. Idiots.
Doug: I hate him so much.
Ted: Save it for our weekend bike ride.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Carla, I just wanted to see how you're- It's always tough when you have to bury your old mom, isn't it?
Carla: Uh-huh.
Dr. Cox: What was your mother's funeral like?
Dr. Cox: Wouldn't know, skipped it. But my aunt told my father it was very moving. [nervous chuckle] Gosh.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, the past and the present. Whenever I see two women I've been intimate with talking to each other, I always have the same fantasy.
[fantasy: Fred Berry teaches Elliot and Jamie the Rerun Dance:]
Fred Berry: C'mon, ladies. It's right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump. Right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump.
[reality:]
J.D.: What you talking about?
Elliot: Not the Rerun Dance.
J.D.: [v.o.] I tell her way too much.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: She's a drama queen, J.D. When her husband was in a coma, it was, like, taboo and exciting, but now that it's OK for you to be together, the relationship's got no snap. It's got no crackle. J.D., it's got no pop. I know, because I'm a drama queen, too.
J.D.: Well, Jamie's not like you, OK?
Elliot: No pop!

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: Holy-
Janitor: [whispering] Calm down. I didn't mean to scare you.
J.D.: [whispering] Why are we whispering?
Janitor: [whispering] I wanted to see if you would whisper because I whispered.
J.D.: [whispering] I think I would.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: [on the phone] Lester, honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Mr. Weisfelner: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago.
Nurse Roberts: I'm talking to my husband. So why don't you get your own damn pillow? [to Dr. Kelso] What?
[cut to Dr. Cox teaching the class:]
Dr. Cox: And they stuck you in here for that?
Nurse Roberts: I apologized to the old man. Anybody can have a bad day, shoot.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach. If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse, or my housekeeper, Rosalba.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: So, Ted, how's Professor Cox doing?
Ted: Excellent, sir.
Dr. Kelso: And you know what else?
Ted: I quit.
Dr. Kelso: No, you don't.
Ted: Well, I'm leaving early.
Dr. Kelso: No, you're coming to my office and doing busy work.
Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first.
Dr. Kelso: Whatever.
[Ted punches the air in excitement]


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