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41Quotes from ‘My Rule of Thumb’

Scrubs: My Rule of Thumb

310. My Rule of Thumb

Aired January 22, 2004

Elliot and Carla try to help a terminal patient who would like to have sex before she dies. Turk and Dr. Cox clash over a transplant patient who broke the rules. Meanwhile, J.D. worries that Danni (Tara Reid) is moving in with him.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say: "Awwww, shucks! "That's what it is!"
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?

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Quote from Elliot

Maggie: I guess I was just waiting for someone special, and now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life for no good reason, you know?
Carla: Is there anything we can do?
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though. My mom, she gets lonely.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by, would you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?
Nurse Roberts: You know, I shacked up with a man before I was married, too. His name was Jesus.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, then how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: Because all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God, I wish I was ethnic.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Come on, Turk. I got two minutes left on my break, how long is this surgery gonna take?
Dr. Cox: Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's a grind.

Quote from Turk

Turk: How was the liquor store, big guy?
Dr. Cox: What're you talking about?
Turk: Your six-pack. Much love!
Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talking about, there, butch. I don't know if you're sucking up to me or making a pass at me, but I say you skip it and we continue in our state of mutual disdain.
Turk: Dr. Cox, you got it all wrong, man. I don't disdain you. It's quite the opposite, I "dain" you. Yeah. I think if you get to know me better, you just might "dain" me, too.
Dr. Cox: Here that's interesting. Of course, it's gibberish, but it's- it's interesting nonetheless.

Quote from J.D.

Danni: I love how much you guys care about your patients.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, Danni is so sweet. What am I worried about?
Danni: You know, Jordan and I are from around here, and our friend Chuck's a stripper? I'm sure he knows tons of guys that would love to have sex with your patient.
J.D.: [v.o.] What the hell!? What's it gonna be like when she's at my place!?
[fantasy, a scholarly J.D. is in his living room, surrounded by shirtless men in skimpy underwear:]
J.D.: Danni, can you have the guys practice in the other room, please?
Danni: Stop being such a fuddy-duddy! Now, who haven't I slept with yet?
[reality:]
J.D.: There'll be banana hammocks everywhere!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: You know, you're always taking shots at Turk, but you've never really told me what you think of him as a person.
Dr. Cox: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me... Ah, there's the right pitch.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Maggie, you seem so at peace with everything.
Maggie: There's really only one thing I'll regret I'm thirty-eight years old and I'm a virgin.
Elliot: Me too.
Carla: Elliot!
Elliot: Sorry, sorry. It's just a reflex from college when I used to play the tambourine in a Christian rock band. Which was bull because everyone was sleeping with everyone.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Isn't it great being so comfortable with someone, you don't have to talk? Anyway, the point is, silence is awesome.
Danni: I'm sorry, I'm just a little preoccupied. I accidentally walked in on my sister and Perry this morning. Can you imagine?
[fantasy:]
Dr. Cox: Relax, Newbie, the gimp is chained up.
Jordan: Be careful, though, Randall got loose.
J.D.: Who?
[a short man in a karate robe punches J.D. in the nuts]
J.D.: [pained] Why?
[reality:]
J.D.: Powerful tiny fists.

Quote from J.D.

Danni: I gotta get out of there. You think maybe I could crash at your house?
J.D.: Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper. It's kind of a little rule we have with our guests. Preferably something two-ply!

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Ladies, explain to me why You are so concerned with my policy on patients having sex in the hospital.
Carla: No reason!
Elliot: Just curious!
Carla: Trying to learn.
Elliot: I love you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't we make it the same as my sex policy with my wife: Absolutely not. Now make me a sandwich.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: You know, but she's not moving in permanently. She's just crashing for a while.
Nurse Roberts: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice. I don't even know anymore.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: Lookit, here's the rule, there, porn-star: The moment her toothbrush hits your sink, you've got yourself a permanent roomie.
[fantasy: Danni is sipping a cocktail in the apartment, surrounded by rolls of toilet paper:]
J.D.: How long will you be staying?
Danni: For a while. Mmmmm, downy soft.
[reality:]
J.D.: There'll be toilet paper everywhere! Gotta go.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [over intercom] Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon's. May I take your order? "Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?" Oh, gosh, here I'm sorry, we're fresh out of those. But If you have a child, maybe you'd like to try one of our Infection Meals! That'll be seven thousand dollars please pay at the second window.
Turk: [muffled] You know, I'm really getting sick of this-
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you talking? Because I've decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can't hear anything that's going on in there. But, for fairness' sake, I've decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: "Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah."

Quote from Turk

Turk: That's Stephanie, our new transplant patient.
Dr. Cox: Oh. And you picked her, so I'm quite sure she is so very nice.
Stephanie: No, actually she's alienated every member of my surgical team.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, you're not even on the surgical team.
Turk: [loudly] I am a very important part of the team that- [normally] I am a very important part of the team, thank you very much.
Dr. Cox: I see, so what, that's that's it? You say she gets the liver and that's the way it goes?
Turk: No, she gets the liver because she followed the rules. Dr. Cox, I know it's really hard on you medical guys, because you spend most of your time with your patients and you get emotionally attached. But as a surgeon, the person I'm closest to is the guy who's giving us the liver. Because it's a gift. And I think it's important that it goes to the person that's proven they're up to the responsibility.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, I get it. I gotta collect myself for a moment, here. That's very touching.
Turk: You know I'm right.


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