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My Rule of Thumb

‘My Rule of Thumb’

Season 3, Episode 10 -  Aired January 22, 2004

Elliot and Carla try to help a terminal patient who would like to have sex before she dies. Turk and Dr. Cox clash over a transplant patient who broke the rules. Meanwhile, J.D. worries that Danni (Tara Reid) is moving in with him.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say: "Awwww, shucks! "That's what it is!"
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?


Quote from Elliot

Maggie: I guess I was just waiting for someone special, and now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life for no good reason, you know?
Carla: Is there anything we can do?
Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too. Not about me, though. My mom, she gets lonely.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by, would you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?
Nurse Roberts: You know, I shacked up with a man before I was married, too. His name was Jesus.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, then how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: Because all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God, I wish I was ethnic.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Come on, Turk. I got two minutes left on my break, how long is this surgery gonna take?
Dr. Cox: Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's a grind.

Quote from Turk

Turk: How was the liquor store, big guy?
Dr. Cox: What're you talking about?
Turk: Your six-pack. Much love!
Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talking about, there, butch. I don't know if you're sucking up to me or making a pass at me, but I say you skip it and we continue in our state of mutual disdain.
Turk: Dr. Cox, you got it all wrong, man. I don't disdain you. It's quite the opposite, I "dain" you. Yeah. I think if you get to know me better, you just might "dain" me, too.
Dr. Cox: Here that's interesting. Of course, it's gibberish, but it's- it's interesting nonetheless.

Quote from J.D.

Danni: I love how much you guys care about your patients.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wow, Danni is so sweet. What am I worried about?
Danni: You know, Jordan and I are from around here, and our friend Chuck's a stripper? I'm sure he knows tons of guys that would love to have sex with your patient.
J.D.: [v.o.] What the hell!? What's it gonna be like when she's at my place!?
[fantasy, a scholarly J.D. is in his living room, surrounded by shirtless men in skimpy underwear:]
J.D.: Danni, can you have the guys practice in the other room, please?
Danni: Stop being such a fuddy-duddy! Now, who haven't I slept with yet?
J.D.: There'll be banana hammocks everywhere!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [over intercom] Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon's. May I take your order? "Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?" Oh, gosh, here I'm sorry, we're fresh out of those. But If you have a child, maybe you'd like to try one of our Infection Meals! That'll be seven thousand dollars, please pay at the second window.
Turk: [muffled] You know, I'm really getting sick of this-
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry! Are you talking? Because I've decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can't hear anything that's going on in there. But, for fairness' sake, I've decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: "Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah."

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: You know, you're always taking shots at Turk, but you've never really told me what you think of him as a person.
Dr. Cox: Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me... Ah, there's the right pitch.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Maggie, you seem so at peace with everything.
Maggie: There's really only one thing I'll regret I'm thirty-eight years old and I'm a virgin.
Elliot: Me too.
Carla: Elliot!
Elliot: Sorry, sorry. It's just a reflex from college when I used to play the tambourine in a Christian rock band. Which was bull because everyone was sleeping with everyone.

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