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35Quotes from ‘My Changing Ways’

Scrubs: My Changing Ways

425. My Changing Ways

Aired May 10, 2005

As J.D. prepares to move into his own apartment, he is upset when Turk suggests he'll never be as cool as when they lived together. Meanwhile, Jake talks Elliot into interviewing for a fellowship at another hospital, and Dr. Cox regrets suggesting Jordan for a job at Sacred Heart.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.
Dr. Cox: Bob, people have a private life, and people have a professional life, and, usually, those 2 hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life, other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drains your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.
Dr. Kelso: Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.
Dr. Cox: Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...
Dr. Kelso: Terrence.
Dr. Cox: Terrence doesn't follow him around the shop all day, telling him just exactly what color is in this season, or showing all of the other employees that he is not, in fact, the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her, and that used to be fine when she just came around for 5 minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now, I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I wasn't convinced that Jordan would already be there, waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the river Styx.

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Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob Kelso here before noon? They're either giving away free doughnuts at the cafe or there's an Asian prostitute convention in the I.C.U.
Dr. Kelso: Is now the time I'm supposed to be embarrassed because I like fine food and Korean call girls? Write this down, Perry: I'm old and I honestly don't care what people think about anything I do. [farts] That was me, folks.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: No, I'm here because the budget's a mess. Ted's not making much headway.
Ted: [sweating] 3-12 x 4-81 equals... Sir, it's not giving me the answer.
Dr. Kelso: It's a typewriter, you jackass!
Ted: Oh, god, it's got my tie!

Quote from Todd

Janitor: Who's ready for a pie break?
J.D.: No.
Janitor: Come on. Why not?
J.D.: Why don't you ask Todd? Due to what can only be described as epic diarrhea, he's been on an IV drip for 36 hours.
Todd: Make it stop 5.

Quote from Janitor

Nurse: Someone stole a whole case of laxatives from the supply closet.
Nurse Roberts: Don't look at me. I'm as regular as rain.
Janitor: [to J.D.] Who wants a piece of pie?
J.D.: Who made it?
Janitor: Let's say my mom.
J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, you get good at piecing things together. This one was obvious.
J.D.: No, thank you.
Todd: Free pie? Hell, yeah.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Turk didn't even realize he pissed me off, so explaining my feelings to him was the smart move. I took a slightly different tack.
J.D.: That seat's taken, ass-face.
Turk: By who?
J.D.: Hello there, Chocolate Bear 2.
Turk: Hooch?! J.D., what the hell's going on here?
J.D.: I replaced your ass.
Hooch: By the by, Johnny told me that you were responsible for my brothy shower the other day. [both laugh] If it happens again I'm gonna take one of your fingers. That'll be my funny prank.
J.D.: Hooch is crazy. Oh, sorry. Old habit.

Quote from Ted

Dr. Kelso: Welcome aboard. This will be your office for the next few days. Ted, find someplace else to work.
Ted: Oh, man! Not again! If you need some happy pills, they're in the top drawer.
Jordan: In this hellhole, I'll need a gun.
Ted: Bottom left.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: I can't believe you two have lived together for 12 years.
Turk: Do you remember our first day together?
[flashback to a full-haired Turk walking into J.D.'s dorm room:]
Turk: Yo, they call me Chris One. What's the dealio?
J.D.: Welcome to our lair. I'm an eighth-level ogre magi with invisibility, and this is Randal.
[present:]
J.D.: You were such a dork.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Don't sweat it too much, kid. He wore so much cologne on our first date, I had to sell my Miata.
Dr. Cox: Why?
Jordan: For funsies.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Heel.
Lonnie: Thank you for that.
Jordan: Keep moving, fetus-face.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I can't believe you talked me into this. I will never get this fellowship. I don't interview well. It's the reason I didn't get into Harvard. The second the professor asked me what I hoped to accomplish in college, my nose started bleeding, and I sneezed and splattered his shirt with blood.
Jake: Damn it, Elliot, how many people do you have to talk to while you're peeing before you start believing in yourself?
Elliot: You're right.
[later:]
Dr. Gold: So, why are you interested in this fellowship?
[Elliot sneezes and covers Dr. Gold in a gruesome amount of blood]
Elliot: Well, first off, I have incredible passion for the work you're doing. I've heard that you're an amazing doctor, and I would be honored to have the opportunity to work with you, Mr. Gold.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hooch just got in the shower.
Turk: Let the games begin.
[J.D. and Turk jump up onto the desk with popcorn]
Hooch: Who the hell put bouillon cubes in the showerhead? Huh? Did you do it? Did you?! If it happens again, I will wait in my S.U.V., blast me some speed metal, 5.1 surround sound, and someone will be getting mowed down.
J.D.: Hooch is crazy.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Look, Carla, Jake makes me happy. Plus there's a decent chance he'll be my second serious boyfriend not to end up in bed with my mom or my brother Barry. And he doesn't always tell me what to do. I mean, sure, he did tell me to come up here and talk to you, but I was gonna do that anyway 'cause I wanted to ask you if I should wear hooker heels or flats with my pink skirt when we go celebrate my new job tonight.

Quote from Carla

Elliot: But instead I'm trying to figure out what your problem is.
Carla: Look, I thought you were staying, okay? I've been here for 11 years, and it's always the same story. I get really close to someone, and they move on. I don't want to be 50 making friends with the new 25-year-old interns, Elliot. They'll make fun of me when we go dancing.
Elliot: Not if I go with you. [robot dance]
Todd: And then they kiss? Sorry.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Jordan: Look at him. What an angel. [Jack spits up] Down, he's waking up.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan, um... Look it, I tried to guilt you into not taking that job.
Jordan: Really? Look, I don't want to be one of those moms that never sees her kids, but I also don't want to be one of those moms that stays at home but then resents her kids 'cause she wishes she was working so she could go to an office and feel bad about not being at home with her kids. I was just worried that you would think I was a bad mom.
Dr. Cox: Sweetie, you are an evil, soulless, chemically enhanced battle-ax that I truly doubt is 100% human, but... you are an amazing mom.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: No better pick-me-up than a nice slice of mom's pie.
J.D.: Why are you so obsessed with this?!
Janitor: I don't know. I think it's 'cause this time, I wasn't trying to mess with you.
J.D.: Really?
Janitor: [eats pie] Really. [J.D. eats pie] Huh?
[later, J.D. and the Janitor are in side-by-side bathroom stalls:]
J.D.: Who would do this to themselves?
Janitor: Totally worth it.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Who are these guys?
J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital who don't realize I suck at basketball. Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. I finally mastered my running hook shot, okay? So when we go to pick teams, I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say : "I'll take that guy." At which point Carla is gonna page me, and I say "Crap, I gotta go" and you go, "Damn, we just lost the best player out here." Then there'll be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and the word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D.: Between these thoughts.
Turk: Oh, okay, let's play some ball.
[J.D. throws the ball which rebounds off the backboard and hits him in the face, knocking him to the ground]
Turk: I got that guy.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] Elliot's boyfriend Jake had given her confidence to do things she'd never been able to do before.
Jake: Okay, you ready to do this?
Elliot: You know it.
J.D.: [v.o.] Like talking to people while she's on the toilet.
Jake: Okay, I know how comfortable you are with Carla, so I'm gonna have her do the talking, all right? You just say when.
Elliot: [o.s.] There's cheeks on the seat and I'm feeling good. Let's hear it.
Carla: Hello, Elliot. How are you doing?
Jake: [glass smashes] She went out the window.


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