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34Quotes from ‘My Friend the Doctor’

Scrubs: My Friend the Doctor

308. My Friend the Doctor

Aired December 4, 2003

Dr. Cox refuses to accept he's growing older when he injures his back showing off in front of Turk. J.D. discovers the Janitor uses a number of personalities around the hospital, and may even have appeared in The Fugitive. Meanwhile, Elliot realizes that she hasn't had a sink-or-swim moment where she truly felt like a doctor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: You are entering a new phase in your life. Why are you fighting it?
Dr. Cox: I'm not- I'm not fighting anything.
Carla: So, even though you have a full head of hair, you still take Propecia because you like the way it tastes?
Dr. Cox: You know, the other day I found a gray hair in my happy trail.
Carla: Is that the patch of hair that goes from your belly button down to your pe-
Dr. Cox: It is, indeed.
Carla: So? You have a gray happy trail! A lot of women find it distinguished.
Dr. Cox: Carla, I have a six-month-old child. I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad? Is he the grand-dad? Is he the grand-dad's grand-dad? And, oh, my God! Why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year-old little boy is in the mud crying? Is- Is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy! And, now look, he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the mini-van, and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

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Quote from Elliot

Mr. Moran: Young lady, would it brighten your day any if I told you I thought you were the best damn doctor in this hospital?
Elliot: Mr. Moran, why couldn't my father be more like you? I mean, if I had a dollar for every time I got depressed and my dad didn't make me feel better- Actually, he did give me a dollar every time I got depressed. By the end of junior high, I already had a hundred and seventy bucks. And then got mugged and lost it all. But, by the end of that night, of course, I was back up to a dollar.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [British accent] Evenin' governor! What's up your bum?
J.D.: You know why I wanted that to be you in The Fugitive? Because it would mean you used to be a guy who had dreams and ambitions. And even though things didn't work out the way you'd hoped, at least it would explain why you are the way you are and make you human. But instead, it turns out you're nothing more than a a jerk who just likes to mess with people for no reason. [walks away]
Janitor: Kimble! You tell anybody, I'll kill ya.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: So, I've been asking around, and apparently you're known as one of three people: Nigel, the Brit; Klaus, the dim-witted German - yes, I said "dim-witted; or a simple, good-natured stutterer named Efram. Am I the only one that knows the real you?
Janitor: Who says this is the real me? [Nigel] Perhaps this is? [Klaus] Or this.
Doug: Hey, Klaus. In your country, how come Hamburg and Frankfurt, they have nothing to do with hamburgers or hot dogs?
Janitor: [German accent] Why is your Lake Titicaca not filled with boobs and poop?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Why won't you admit you hurt your back?
Dr. Cox: Carla, come on! Back injuries are for 80-year-old guys named Norman who have pants up to here, nose-hairs down to here, and who start every sentence with the very elegant [snorts & hacks].

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Danni, we should watch the movie in Turk's room, because he's gonna keep talking about the janitor, even though we begged him not to.
J.D.: I won't, sweetie, trust me.
Danni: Let's go.
J.D.: I just wanna know what kind of freak needs to spend all day pretending to be somebody else!
[on The Fugitive:]
Transit Cop: Uh, listen, this is Transit Unit Number 23. I got a possible sighting of Richard Kimble on northbound coming into the Balbo station. Kimble!
J.D.: Janitor!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [British accent] Oh, Todd, you simply must sample one of these tea buns my mum sent over from Sussex.
Todd: Up high two times. One's for "buns", one's for the "sex" part of Sussex! Come on!
Janitor: Whoa, an American high-five! [high-fives] How perfectly vulgar.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: I think the Janitor's pretending to be British.
Doug: You mean Klaus, the German guy?
Janitor: [German accent] Guten Tag, Doug.
Doug: [touching his hair] Thanks!
Janitor: That means "nice haircut."
J.D.: No it doesn't.
Janitor: Mind your own beeswax.

Quote from Janitor

Todd: You know, Nigel, I'm twenty-five percent British.
Janitor: [British accent] Really? I'm one hundred percent not interested!
Todd: Oh, Classic Nigel!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Why don't we ever have sex?
Jordan: I find it a little hard to feel sexy seeing as I passed a human being out of my body six months ago.
Dr. Cox: Hey, look it, I had front seats to that bloodbath, and it hasn't affected my sex drive.
Jordan: Oh, no, no, no, no, I got that when you asked the lactation nurse if she needed help getting things started!
Dr. Cox: Right.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: When I was in high school, I went to Europe for a month and I forgot to take my birth control pills, so I took like thirty the day I got home.
J.D.: What happened?
[flashback: Elliot has shaving foam on her hand as she looks at her thick beard in the mirror:]
Woman: [o.s.] Elliot! Your homecoming date is here!
Elliot: Uh, stall him! [shaves]
[present:]
Elliot: Nothing.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] The news of Turk's successful surgery had spread quickly. He was the stud of the hospital.
[fantasy:]
Turk: [sings] Who's the black surgeon you know that just repaired an artery like a pro?
All: Turk!
Turk: That's right, baby. Who is the doc that won't cop out when no attendings are about?
All: Turk!
Turk: Right on.
[reality:]
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: What?
J.D.: Wow. You must be dancing on the wind right now. That sounded straighter in my head.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Why didn't you just tell him you were a doctor?
Elliot: I don't know. I guess I just still don't feel like a doctor, you know? I mean, that whole thing with Turk today really got me thinking. Like, I've ran codes before, but there's always been someone right there ready to bail me out. Like, I've never had that one defining, sink-or-swim moment. Have you?
J.D.: Yeah, but I didn't, like, make a big deal out of it.
[flashback to a school reunion:]
Man: I was just made partner at my law firm. I drive a Beemer. And this is my wife.
J.D.: Oh, well, this is Mr. Booker. He's alive because of me.
Mr. Booker: I thought you said there'd be some bitches here?
J.D.: We just got here! Look around!
[present:]
J.D.: We actually had a fun night until he urinated all over my rental car.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman! What are we doing?
J.D.: Game over, Klaus. I saw you in The Fugitive.
Janitor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford movie, but, you know what, I chose this life instead 'cause it's a little more glamorous.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ. There's some vomit on the back steps with your name on it.
Janitor: Well, that's my cue. Action! [hums the Lone Ranger theme]


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