Elliot Reid: The Bajingo Monologues
Elliot Reid's repressed Connecticut upbringing made it difficult for her to use the clinical terms for the human reproductive parts at the hospital, or indeed in the bedroom, so she relied on some colorful alternatives.
Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.
Elliot: Those Gyno Girls are putting the pressure on. We must have looked at a hundred women's bajingos today. Bajingo, bajingo, bajingo. I mean, I can't even look at my own bajingo, you know?
Carla: Well, is that because it looks so much like a vagina?
Elliot: [chokes] Carla, there's people!
Elliot: You can talk to me if you want.
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something.
Elliot: Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.
Turk: And vagina is...
Elliot: Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
Turk: Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus.
Elliot: Ah-ah, b-b-but, mm-mmm. From now on, [quietly] cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."
Turk: Icky sticky.
Dr. Simon Reid: So, did Dr. Gerson ever contact you?
Elliot: You told her to talk to me?
Dr. Simon Reid: She went to med school with a colleague at my hospital. Come on, I want to go see the department.
Dr. Kelso: Paging Dr. Backbone to the Bajingo Ward. [laughs]
Elliot: You know, it's not my fault that dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.
J.D.: Oh, who's fault is it?
[flashback to Mrs. Reid talking to a young Elliot as the poolboy cleans the pool:]
Lily Reid: But more important than anything, more important than never letting yourself get fat, is never let a man put his dirty how-do-you-do into your bajingo. Jorge, I need to see you in the potting shed.
Elliot: She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed. But she never fired him. Even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.
Elliot: [on the phone] Carla, why won't you pick up? I need to talk! I cannot believe that you leave the country the week I get back together with J.D. I feel like that's not a coincidence. Wait. I did not mean that. I know that your aunt did not fall out of that balloon on purpose. Anyway, I promised J.D. this crazy sex night, and now I'm totally losing it. I've been trying on lingerie, but nothing fits, because I ate an entire batch of cookie dough with a spatula. Plus, at my last appointment I got in a fight with my waxer, and now there is a rash on my bajingo that looks like a thousand tiny spider bites. Damn it, Carla! I need tonight to be special, and you're not there for me. And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that- That you've always come through and that sometimes I'm selfish, but even if that's true, I don't need to hear your attitude right now, because I am sick of it. Do you hear me? Sick of it! I love you. Call me.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, and Dr. Reid, your patient, Mrs. Burke, has developed a urinary infection. Apparently it hurts when she makes wizzie-winkles through her sea-biscuit.
Lucy: Hey, why did you guys want to become doctors?
Elliot: Oh, actually, I didn't want to be a doctor. I wanted to be a gymnast. But I was chesty for my age, and I had no balance because when I was 9, my cousin jammed a piece of uncooked pasta in my ear. So the first time I went on the balance beam, I fell off and broke my bajingo bone. So really I became a doctor because my parents made me.
Elliot: [v.o.] Molly's nervous because her boyfriend's in town.
Dr. Molly Clock: You know, Mike's kind of private, so when we go out to dinner, just pretend I never told you any of that personal stuff.
Elliot: [v.o.] Mike's got a curved peep.
Elliot: I'm so proud of you for working things out with Sean.
J.D.: What can I say? He's my wiener cuz.
Elliot: Kim and I are bajingo sisters.
J.D.: You always wanted one of those.
Elliot: I know!
Elliot: Oh, my God! She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Carla: Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
Turk: [gasps] This just isn't fair. Not fair at all. It's ridiculous!
J.D.: [v.o.] The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
Elliot: You have a penis. And I have a vagina!
Sean: That is so hot.
Elliot: We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby.
Keith: OK, you gotta stop saying that.
Elliot: Look, Keith, we're role-playing. This is not real. Let's just do this.
Keith: All right.
Elliot: [moaning] Promise me you'll hold me like this when I'm pushing your baby out my bajingo.
Keith: Okay, I'm putting on a third condom.