J.D.: [v.o.] Dr. Kelso was having a little female trouble of his own.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. Yesterday somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking. It's rude. And it makes no sense.
Nurse Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Carla: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Nurse Roberts: Other way around, sugar!

J.D.: So, uh, Jordan seems to be doing pretty well.
Dr. Cox: You know Jordan, she is a rock.
J.D.: How 'bout you? How you holding up? [Dr. Cox is silent] I know it's been kind of tough with Ben dying. Are you gonna talk ever?
Dr. Cox: Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Anneka. We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it'll be nice and fast. But for most of us it'll be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.
J.D.: That's a beautiful sentiment.

J.D.: Seriously, how are you?
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. Look, Abby, I didn't write to you asking for help. So, if you continue on down this road, you're going to end up eating, breathing, and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind. Signed, "Dealing With It On His Own" in Kansas.
J.D.: I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade 'cause I didn't have body hair like the other guys? By the time her response came out in Parade magazine, it was like a forest down there. Well, you know, "nothing ventured"...
Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and- and a marching band, because this will be the ceremonial one-millionth time I've had to shake off something that you've said. [shakes head]

Todd: Hot Doc, 3 o'clock. I mean 5 o'clock. Over there.
Turk: Todd. Todd, let's get off on the right foot.
Dr. Miller: Hey, it might just be 'cause my expectations are low, but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.
Todd: Well, as long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex.
Turk: Perfect.
Dr. Miller: I'm concerned about you. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact that your mommy didn't pay attention to you, and if you don't get help, you'll eventually start picking up prostitutes and killing them.
Elliot: I've always wanted to say that to him!
Dr. Miller: Well, now you don't have to. Ha-ha-ha.
Todd: She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.
Turk: Hot chick, 12 o'clock.
[Todd looks up at the ceiling]

Carla: Todd, you have thirty seven complaints of sexual harassment.
Dr. Kelso: See, it's working. Well, good luck with the seminar.
Carla: Oh, Dr. Kelso, you have five.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I know. I put those in myself to prove a point. If you'll notice, all the "Kelso"s are written with a lower-case "K".
Carla: No, they're not.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it was worth a shot. There must be some loophole for me. Where's Ted?

Dr. Cox: May I ask you something, there, Judy? Do you have any idea what it's like to have three angry, under-fed women tear you several new ones for a full hour?
J.D.: Actually, yes. I caught the matinee of that show. Definitely not for the whole family.
Dr. Cox: Then for the last time, don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it. Because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning, salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be upset that the first face I saw was yours!
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

Dr. Miller: I'm Dr. Miller. A few quick things: Don't talk while I'm talking, never utter the phrase "It's Miller time", and I don't like the smell of cologne in my operating room. Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen to any questions or comments that any of you might have, and then after this minute I never want to hear from any of you ever, ever, ever again. Anyone?
Turk: Uh... I'm allergic to shellfish?
Dr. Miller: Any other allergies? No? Great! You, and unibrow, go scrub up.
Turk: What?
Todd: My waxer's in the Bahamas.
Turk: Get a new one.

Dr. Cox: Okay, here's the tour: This is where the patients enter, upstairs is where they go to die, and down in the basement is where we slide their cold, dead bodies into the wall. Oh, and that's the gift shop.

Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts, and the shoes, and sometimes my underwear.
Elliot: Really?
Turk: I said nothing.
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.
Elliot: Hm?
Turk: Elliot, this woman doesn't like me. It could keep me from becoming the youngest chief of surgery in history, which could keep me from curing paralysis, which could keep me from having my birthday be a national holiday! And everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday!

J.D.: Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off. But only because I feel a little bit guilty.
Dr. Cox: About what? [Ted taps Dr. Cox on his shoulder] Uh?
Ted: Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho. Judy! Oh, you come here, Judy!