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29Quotes from ‘My Blind Date’

Scrubs: My Blind Date

112. My Blind Date

Aired January 8, 2002

Dr. Cox tries to have a "perfect game" - twenty-four hours without losing a patient in the ICU. Dr. Kelso asks J.D. to stay with a patient who needs an M.R.I. scan. Meanwhile, Carla wonders why Turk seems frustrated with their relationship.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you. I was top five in my class.
Dr. Cox: [buzzer sound] That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
Elliot: Okay, I was eight. But I can do this. I'll get us this perfect-
Dr. Cox: Don't say it!
Elliot: Game.
Dr. Cox: What part of "don't say it" did you not understand? Was it the "don't" or the "say it"? Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you. Help me to help you. Help me to help you.

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Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Something's going down.
Dr. Cox: Alright, bring it in here, you knuckleheads. Take a knee if you need to, you confoundits. I have been on since midnight, so I stand here with my usual contempt for all of you, but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups of Nurse Robert's piss-poor excuse for coffee passing pretty much straight through me. The not-so-hidden message being, of course, that if you screw up today, I'm going to hit you hard and fast.

Quote from Janitor

[J.D. walks out of the elevator as the Janitor mops the floor]
Janitor: Hey!
J.D.: What? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid brain of yours?
[The Janitor looks down to the trail of muddy footprints trailing J.D.]
J.D.: [v.o.] Crap.
J.D.: Well, shouldn't there be some sort of sign... Oh, look at that. Well, you should put it back down before someone slips and falls.
Janitor: Oh, is that what I should do? Good, because I make most decisions based on your opinion. You know what, I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife. Maybe you could mull that over, get back to me, maybe pow-wow. [a woman slips] Floor's wet, ma'am. Little help over here. Little help.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] A chance to be part of a perfect game is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It just never happens. Which is why I don't mind Dr. Cox paging me for the 13th time this last hour. You see, the ICU is where the most critical cases get turfed. So many patients die here, you think of death as another co-worker, looking over your shoulder with the same annoying demands as everyone else you work with.
[fantasy: J.D. stands before the Grim Reaper and a small child in the same outfit:]
Grim Reaper: Dr. Dorian. Listen, I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.
J.D.: Put me down for two boxes of mint thingies.
Grim Reaper: She's in second place in her troop. Honestly, if that girl who's in first keeps doing well, we're just gonna take her. [evil laugh, girl laughs]

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Dr. Cox, I got the Kayexalate and pulled all the X-rays you asked for, so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me. Oh, my God. That totally came out wrong. I just meant I want you to use me and I don't care how degrading it is.
Dr. Cox: What?
Elliot: No, no... No, it's just that I know that you like torturing people, and I am totally up for that. I just wanna make you happy.
Nurse Roberts: Marshmallow, hush.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ah, dammit! Dammit. Dammit. So close. Dammit! [sighs] I'm sorry. I'll be fine. [sighs] Perfect game. Call it.
Elliot: There's five minutes left. It's just the two of us here. Can't we just wait?
Dr. Cox: Just call it.
Elliot: No. We all need this, so, no. I won't call it.
Dr. Cox: You know, that's probably the dumbest thing anybody's said to me around here in a long time. There's nothing wrong with a one-hitter, there, Barbie. In fact, it's miraculous. And I won't have you, of all people, cheapen what should be an endless pursuit of perfection just because you want the world to laugh with you tonight. Now, call it.
Elliot: Time of death, 11.55.
Dr. Cox: Good girl. Better go get yourself a cup of coffee. New game starts in four minutes.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Nurse Roberts: Move it or lose it, Q-tip.
Elliot: [laughs] Q-tip. 'cause you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Nervous guy.
Doug: Yes, sir.
Dr. Cox: Go down to bed 18 and get me his tox screen. You better cross your fingers the news is good, because if it's not, I'm blaming you.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Cox: And Newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23. He's a tricky bastard. He's tried to die five times on me today. Keep an eye on him.
J.D.: I'm your wingman, Maverick. I was watching Top Gun. Did you know that Goose is the guy from ER?
Dr. Cox: No, I didn't. But, but please, keep talking.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I need a favor.
J.D.: Actually, sir, I'm crazy busy today.
Dr. Kelso: Well, then, that's just fine, kiddo. I'm not going to be able to make the board meeting today. I'm going to be tied up all afternoon at Dr. Dorian's pity party. Should I bring something? Maybe I could rent you a clown.
J.D.: A drunk clown hurt me once.
Dr. Kelso: Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go, Tom.
Ted: It's Ted. But hey, it's only been 12 years.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Ted: This morning, one of the social workers that covers this hospital slipped and knocked herself unconscious.
We're concerned she might turn around and sue us. If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll. [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: The point is that people are less likely to sue an institution if we can put a friendly face on it. You've got a friendly face.
J.D.: But, sir, I...
Dr. Kelso: Sacred Heart is calling for your help, sport. Will you accept the call? [ringing sound; knocks Ted]
Ted: Oh. [ringing sound]
Dr. Kelso: By the way, this is a special phone. If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern who does the physicals over at the state prison!
J.D.: Hello?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Mr. Davis, I haven't seen you in three months. It's gotta be a record for you.
Mr. Davis: By all means, ignore the dislocated shoulder and let's make small talk.
Carla: This ought to help with the pain. So what'd you do?
Mr. Davis: So, some random woman just pushed me off the bus. It was totally unprovoked.
Carla: Mr. Davis.
Mr. Davis: I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.
Carla: There you go. Be proud of who you are.
Mr. Davis: You wear too much mascara.
Carla: You be careful now.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Doug: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Dr. Cox: Is this the tox screen? Oh, Dougie, this does not bode well for you.
Doug: I know.
Dr. Cox: Second chance. You go get the results of Mr. Chervin's urinalysis, but if the numbers aren't good, I'm gonna take one of your kidneys and give it to him. [to Nurse Roberts] Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.
Nurse Roberts: Oh, everybody's afraid of Mr. Man.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, you give good sass.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands.
Elliot: Ready and raring.
Dr. Cox: Not you. Ginger, get the lead out.
J.D.: Excuse me.
Dr. Cox: It puts the lotion on the skin.
J.D.: Oh, so you can do movies and I can't?
Dr. Cox: It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin. Give me a break.
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Man!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
[montage:]
Doug: He's OK.
Nurse Roberts: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though. Hell yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one will ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty, but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil. [chuckles]

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Barbie, plates are wobbling everywhere.
Elliot: His H&H dropped three grams, so I'm starting pressors.
Dr. Cox: Or you could transfuse him.
Elliot: Okay, I'll do that.
Dr. Cox: Although transfusions are riskier.
Elliot: Which is why my first instinct was to do pressors.
Dr. Cox: You know what they say about your first instincts?
Elliot: Yep, you should always stick with them. Shouldn't you?
Dr. Cox: Should you?
Elliot: Should I?
Dr. Cox: [whiny] "Should I?" You'll have time to think about it on the bench because that's where you're headed. Now, get out of here, precious. Go ahead. Go. Hippety-hop to the barbershop. "Should I?" [groans]

Quote from Ted

Ted: You know, I'm noticing the bottoms of your slippers are rather slick. Perhaps they contributed in some way to the incident this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Those are hospital booties, you moron.
Ted: And now I'm a moron.

Quote from Ted

Ms. Hanson: We'll see each other around. J.D., I'm really glad you were here...
Ted: Ms. Hanson, he's gone. You know, if I were in your slippers, I'd sue this hospital for all it's worth.
Ms. Hanson: Really?
Ted: We could run away together.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Hey, Carla. Carla, wait! Where are you going?
Carla: I'm gonna go crash at my place tonight, like you said.
Turk: You want to know what's wrong? That's what's wrong. "I'm gonna go chill out at my house, like you said."
Carla: God, you're so sexy right now.
Turk: I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, you know, we're past that new, exciting relationship phase, and all that's left is us. Baby, I gotta tell you, you drive me crazy, alright? You take my French fries, you boss me around in front of my friends.
Carla: You said strong women turn you on.
Turk: Forget about it.
Carla: Look, we all know what you're gonna do, so why not be a man and do it so I can go home?
Turk: OK. I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.
Carla: Me too.
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: I love you.


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