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31Quotes from ‘My Last Chance’

Scrubs: My Last Chance

408. My Last Chance

Aired October 26, 2004

J.D. hooks up with Molly (Heather Graham) after she announces that she's leaving the hospital. After Dr. Kelso demands he complete his community service, Dr. Cox is paired up with an extremely talkative parademic, Denise (guest star Molly Shannon). 

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: How was it?
Dr. Molly Clock: Weird. His tongue was freezing.
[meanwhile:]
J.D.: I gave her the ol' ice tongue. It's easy to do, you just have to be really smooth.
[back:]
Dr. Molly Clock: He kept running to the kitchen to put ice on his tongue.
Elliot: I always hated ice tongue. And sometimes his lips seemed so greasy.
[meanwhile:]
J.D.: I'm telling you, Turk. Olive oil.
Turk: Dude, just because it's good on salad doesn't mean it's good on your lips.

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Quote from J.D.

Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I'm sorry, but I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people, and you're just too normal.
J.D.: [v.o.] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.
J.D.: My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets, and no matter how much I try, I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.
J.D.: [v.o.] At that very moment, I feared I had divulged too much.
J.D.: Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure. And I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.
Dr. Molly Clock: Wow.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You responsible for this head blood?
J.D.: Look, here's the bottom line: I am currently in possession of a note that would give me permission to have sex with a very beautiful woman, but I have no way of getting to her apartment.
Janitor: Then what are we waiting for. Get in. Come on! Let's go! Go, go, go, go!
[much later, the Janitor tosses J.D. out of the van in the middle of nowhere:]
J.D.: What are you doing!?
Janitor: It's been four years. How do you not get how this works?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Sorry about your collarbone. Say, I've got a community service form here, would you sign it for me?
Denise: Sure thing, Per. So, you gonna come by and visit me later?
Dr. Cox: Denise, that's not very likely. And here's why: All you do is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. And when you're not talking, I'm betting you're thinking about talking. I mean, can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had a thought that you didn't immediately verbalize?
Denise: Well, I don't know. That's a tough one, Per. Oh, look, the window's open again. You can see the moon.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. What happened in your life that made you so needy that you've got to fill every waking second by babbling on?
Denise: Fine, don't visit. My son will come.
Dr. Cox: And now we are right back on your son again. I'll be honest with you, I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to get your voice out of my head. It is a very real concern. [walks out into hallway]
E.M.T.: Hey, did you leave anything in the ambulance?
Dr. Cox: Only my will to live, why?
E.M.T.: Then I guess this is your partner's.
[After the E.M.T. hands Dr. Cox a baseball card, he recalls what Denise said earlier: "See, now, I got my son, Davey, a Ken Griffey Jr. card? Carries it with him wherever he goes. He's ten there. He'll always be that age to me. I wish I had more time with him, though." Dr. Cox returns to Denise's room.]
Dr. Cox: What happened to your son, Denise?
Denise: He died in an accident. Paramedics were amazing, though. That's actually the reason I became one. I really miss him, you know? [Dr. Cox gives her the baseball card] Thanks a lot.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Molly. It's your last night, you wanna grab a beer or something?
Dr. Molly Clock: J.D., I have to tell you something.
J.D.: Oh, no, did someone you know die from beer?
Dr. Molly Clock: No one can die from beer.
[flashback to a younger J.D. and Turk up on the roof of a building with a girl and another guy who's sitting on the ledge:]
Shinski: Hey, yo, J.D., toss me a beer, man.
J.D.: Comin' at you, Shinski.
[Shinski falls off the roof as he tries to catch the beer J.D. tossed to him]
[reality:]
J.D.: People can die from beer, Molly. Shinski didn't, but our friendship did.

Quote from J.D.

[fantasy: all the elderly patients are dancing around in the I.CU.:]
Man #1: Doctors comin'!
[J.D. notices two pairs of feet in one of the hospital beds]
J.D.: What the?
Man #2: Frank, you idiot. Your bed's down the hall.
Frank: I know. I love you.
Elliot: Oh.
[reality:]
J.D.: You ever get the feeling our patients pretend to be sicker when we're around?
Elliot: Oh, yeah. You know Mrs. Wilson back there? She made her spleen pretend to rupture, and then she pretended to die. [to a body bag] Got me again, there, Mrs. Wilson!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You know, Elliot, since I broke your heart, I've held my tongue every time you've been a wiseacre. But now that you slept with my brother, we're even. So if you bring sarcasm my way, baby, prepare to be stung.
Elliot: J.D.-
J.D.: So's your face.
Elliot: That doesn't even make any sense.
J.D.: "So's your face" always makes sense.
Carla: J.D., that's stupid.
J.D.: So's your face. I'm on fire! Hello!

Quote from Turk

Turk: Yes, baby, Molly is attractive. But she doesn't hold a candle to my Puerto Rican princess.
Carla: For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: I wuv your widdle outfit.
Dr. Cox: Now listen, you. Riding in an ambulance takes care of my community service, so I'm doing two shifts back-to-back, I'm gonna knock this whole thing out in a single day. Besides, how bad can it be?
Denise: Howdy, partner! Name's Denise Lemon. Looks like we got ourselves a little ambu-date. That's "ambulance" and "date" put together. I got a million of those! [laughs]
Carla: I am loving this.
Denise: Hey, uh, hon, before you hop in there, could you do me a little favoroony and check the windshield wiper? I think I got something caught up there.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. No problem. I got it. [Denise turns the siren on]
Denise: I always get the Newbies with that one! [laughs] Got you! You know it!
Dr. Cox: [to Carla] When they strap me in the chair, please let them know the murder was just.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Denise: [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news I got a-
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I'm not a big car-singing kind of guy.
Denise: Aww, "Bad case of loving you," Per. Come on, where's the fun? You know, you don't get this kind of rush on a normal job. You don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't. You know what I'm saying?
Dr. Cox: You're saying you don't.
Denise: Well, Per, sometimes you do. Oh, are you looking at my boy, Davey? He's ten there. He'll always be that age to me.
Dr. Cox: Can't take my eyes off of him.
Denise: I don't blame you, he's gorgeous. He looks just like his mama. I'm kidding! I wish we had more time together, I do. Boy, you wouldn't believe when we started school. First day he cried, second day I cried, third day we both cried. Not 'cause of school, 'cause we had a go-cart accident. Think it's how my nose got bent. Who knows? Nose knows. I love words. Don't you love words?
Dr. Cox: I like "strangle."

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Boy, I tell you what, there, Jordan, I'm sure glad that shift is-
Denise: Perry, I was just telling Jordan here about that sneezing attack that I had this morning. Was it fourteen or fifteen sneezes?
Jordan: Yes, Perry, was it fourteen or fifteen sneezes?
Dr. Cox: What are you doing here, Denise?
Denise: Well, I heard that you were doing back-to-back shifts, so I pulled a couple of strings so that we could get the old band back together.
Jordan: Perry!, you've always wanted to be in a band.
Denise: Get out of town. I just came up with that band thing.
Jordan: Get out of town, Perry.
Denise: Well, laissez le bon temps rouler. Translation: Let the good times roll. See, that's what they say in New Orleans, The Big Easy. You know, that was my nickname in high school New Orleans. No, I'm just kidding, it was The Big Easy. I was a huge slut. I was, I did everybody.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: Should we get out of here?
Dr. Molly Clock: Do you think you can handle it?
J.D.: No. But you won't know until after.
Dr. Molly Clock: You just need to clear it with one person first.
J.D.: Just tell me who.
[later:]
Elliot: [laughs for a long time] No. Oh, what's the matter, J.D., freezer got your tongue?
J.D.: That doesn't even make any sense.
Elliot: So's your face.
J.D.: [v.o.] Dammit! Walked into that one!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Denise: So, little Jack's a baseball fan, eh?
Jordan: He's two and he can't talk yet.
Denise: You know what you should do? You should get him some baseball cards! I got my son, Davey, a Ken Griffey Jr. card? Carries it with him wherever he goes. Never liked the gum, though. Gum's a weird word, isn't it? You know? Do you ever notice some words, you say 'em enough, they don't even sound like words anymore? Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum...
Dr. Cox: Oh, happy day. She's blown a fuse.

Quote from Doug

Doug: Relax. At most, you have a minor concussion. Now, I just wanna check your pupils, okay?
J.D.: Doug, that's for ears.
Doug: Ears. Right. I'm not stupid.


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