Dr. Cox: I have no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about handsome? Or glorious?
Dr. Cox: And this abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that and the little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle, I mean golf weekend. And by Cleveland, I mean Hawaii.
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep. And I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus, I mean helicopter.

J.D.: [v.o.] Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.: [v.o.] See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
J.D.: I am pretty tired.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names. Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear? Answer me!
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: Great, sport.

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts, I just saw your patient in 106 and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman. The man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fella?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? What are you doing in here?
Elliot: Um, hi, Dr. Kelso. I was just... I was on call.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I have the call sheet right here and your name doesn't seem to be on it. But what do I know? I'm just a kindly old man who doesn't know the difference between a doctor on call and one who maybe just needs a warm bed for the night.
Elliot: Oh, I've just been so swamped with work I couldn't even make time to find a new place.
Dr. Kelso: I understand. Life is hard and all that. But if you want a bed in my hospital, you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds. And believe me, missy, either one's fine with me.
Elliot: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: No problem.

Dr. Kelso: See, this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bobbo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science. And I don't mean medical science, I mean NASA. Because when those buzz-cuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well, by gum, you know they're just gonna say: "Awwww, shucks! "That's what it is!"
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ! What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?

Dr. Kelso: So, have you killed anyone yet?
Boon: What? No.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you will.
Boon: Super.
Dr. Kelso: It's a rite of passage for doctors. If you're lucky, it'll be a patient who's on his way out anyway. My first kill was a 19-year-old girl. She came in with severe abdominal pain. I thought it was appendicitis. Turned out, she was pregnant and didn't know it. It was ectopic and she was bleeding internally. I should have checked for that. But by the time I discovered my mistake, it was too late. Sometimes I look at this old hospital, I actually see the faces of all the patients I've lost. Booga, booga, booga!
Boon: Aah!
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Priceless. But I do see them sometimes.

Dr. Kelso: Look, infection can start with a simple sneeze. And then a handshake. Perhaps an accidental collision. Then a simple touch on the shoulder.
[As Dr. Kelso speaks, the camera turns to a young boy who sneezes. As his mother wipes his nose, the tissue she throws away glows green, as does her hand. She then shakes hands with a doctor, turning his hand green. He bumps into a nurse who helps him pick up his file, turning her hand green. The nurse then strokes the arm of a patient, turning her arm green.]
Dr. Kelso: And just like that you have a patient in trouble.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, why does everything keep happening to me?
Dr. Kelso: Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In and out. That's it, that's it. Now, you went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight. My God, little girl, grow up and say how-do to the world of modern medicine. My God, I've been sued four times.
Ted: [whispers] Ten times.

Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso, can I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son. I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look, I need an argon laser, and I was gonna ask you yesterday, but then all of a... Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi, I'm Bob Kelso. Nice to meet you. Look, sport, if people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year, capiche? Now, get out of my eye line. Nurse Tidsdale is wearing ankle socks today.
Turk: How about I don't? And how about you help me out and I won't tell anybody about this? Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet.

Dr. Kelso: So, Mr. Brooks is doing peachy, huh?
Carla: Peachy keen.
Dr. Kelso: Great. Great. A patient's improvement is always cause for celebration here at Sacred Heart. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have the name "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He's an old sailor buddy and if you went through what we did, you'd understand. It's because somebody went ahead and increased Mr. Brooks's Lidocaine drip, and by law that could only be a doctor. Are you a doctor, Nurse Espinosa? Well?
Carla: No, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You're damn right you're not.