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‘My Student’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Student

117. My Student

Aired March 5, 2002

J.D., Turk and Elliot each get a med student to mentor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the thing I can do is to think of someone I look up to, and remember how they got through to me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact the wall on which you're leaning. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know. Here it's a conundrum.

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Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: Nurse Roberts, have you seen Josh?
Nurse Roberts: The tall skinny one? He quit.
Carla: Nice job, Bambi.
J.D.: I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't.
Nurse Roberts: You don't have to apologize to me. You will have to answer to Jesus.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Put your gloves on, Josh. I need you to get an ABG.
Josh: I can't.
J.D.: Newbie, wait.
Carla: "Newbie"?
J.D.: Shut up. Look, Josh, you're the only one who knows whether you wanna be a doctor or not. But right now I kinda got my hands full. OK? So what do you say you put some gloves on, Shirley, and get the hell in here? Now, locate the radial pulse. Josh, look at me. You can do this.
Carla: It looks good.
Josh: No way.
J.D.: What do you want, a cookie? Go put your scrubs on and get back here. Go, go, go!

Quote from J.D.

Josh: Dr. Dorian, I know what you're trying to do. My whole life, people have felt sorry for me.
J.D.: Why would anyone feel sorry for you?
Josh: Look at me, I'm clumsy, I'm always throwing up, I don't even have an ass!
J.D.: But Josh, those are the same things I was dealing with when I started here. Except for the ass part. I actually have a great ass. It's firm like mutton.

Quote from J.D.

Dr. Kelso: Morning, doctors.
Turk: Morning, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, Mrs. Winston, it's back to the home for you. [sniffs]
J.D.: Elliot, that is disgusting.
Turk: Seriously, Elliot.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, I think you should consider a change in diet.
Elliot: I hate you guys. I hate you, I hate you.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: I'm. Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine. Now, I want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because I promise you, we're a family here. Okay, let's go get 'em, doctors.
Elliot: They're actually buying it.
J.D.: "The Devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist."

Quote from J.D.

Josh: Just remember to breathe, and you'll get through the day.
J.D.: Josh?
Josh: Hi, I'm Dr. Dorian. I know what this looks like, but...
J.D.: Don't worry about it. I do that all the time.
Josh: Really? Do you ever part your hair on the wrong side just to see what you look like to other people?
J.D.: [chuckles] No.
Josh: It totally messes everyone up.
J.D.: So do you have any questions before we get started?
Josh: Yeah, what's the babe situation like here?
J.D.: Easy, tiger.
Josh: [growls]
J.D.: Oh, boy.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Philip, I'm going to need you to shave this patient's groin so I can place a femoral triple-lumen.
Philip: Yeah, I'm not so much with the "shavin' a guy's curlies".
Elliot: It's your call, Phil. Of course, if you do get just one bad evaluation from me, it'll go ahead and torch your class rank, so I'd suggest you do what I tell you. And if I ask you to shave a groin, I think you should thank your lucky stars that I said "shave".
Philip: [to the patient] I'll tell you what. I'll lather you up, and you start thinking about baseball. Huh. Natural redhead.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Looks like you won the med student raffle there, pal.
Turk: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Introduce me.
Turk: Excuse me? Next time we're face to face, you give me her name and then you tell her my name, or you go her name, my name, my name, her name. Whatever you're more comfortable with.
Turk: No, you like Carla.
Dr. Cox: Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out? Fine. Then I'm gonna go ahead and continue to focus all my energies on Carla. Listening, watching waiting.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: Relax. It's just one mistake.
J.D.: Yes, Carla! They're each one mistake, but when you put 'em all together, it makes, like, four million mistakes.
Carla: Did you just snap at me? Because I think he just snapped at me.
J.D.: I'm sorry.
Carla: Yeah, you are.
J.D.: Carla, I gotta go home.
Nurse Roberts: Hold it, Q-Tip. You have to co-sign all these orders, fill out a vascular consult on bed three and get a tox screen for Mrs. O'Brien.
J.D.: No, no, but Josh did all this.
Nurse Roberts: Uh-uh, honey, I don't think so.
[fantasy: J.D. Hulks out:]
J.D.: Mrs. O'Brien, I'm afraid I'm gonna need a urine sample.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: You can stare at me all you want, I'm still not gonna feel bad about what I said to Josh. You don't scare me, woman. [Carla continues staring] I'm so sorry. I'll apologize at rounds.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: [v.o.] After what happened with Josh, I did what any good person would do. I went looking for confirmation that it wasn't my fault.
[montage:]
J.D.: Okay, here's what happened.
J.D.: He was screwing up constantly.
J.D.: It's not like I forced him to quit.
J.D.: I just don't think it's my fault he quit.
Janitor: I don't know. I think most of the bad things that happen here are your fault.
J.D.: I was talking to her.

Quote from Nurse Roberts

Carla: Well, I'm not going to tell you what you wanna hear.
J.D.: Even Nurse Roberts says he's the most incompetent young doctor she's worked with.
Carla: Hey, Laverne, what'd you say about J.D. when he first started working here?
Nurse Roberts: That he was the most incompetent doctor I ever worked with.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] At a certain point during your first year, things begin to feel a little different. You've arrived. You know? You just start to feel... cooler.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Oh, my God! Which one of you two did that?
Turk: My bad.
J.D.: That was me.
Elliot: Both of you?
Both: Player!
Elliot: Could we have an agreement? No enclosed spaces.

Quote from Turk

J.D.: [v.o.] Let's face it. We've earned the right to be a little cocky.
J.D.: Jerome! What up, dawg?
Turk: My man!
Elliot: Who the hell's Jerome?
J.D.: [v.o.] And I gotta tell you, nobody can take this feeling away. Nobody.
Dr. Cox: Thank goodness, it's the Mod Squad.
J.D.: [v.o.] After months of doing everyone else's scut work, we're finally not the lowest people on the totem pole.
Carla: Look at you three, all excited.
J.D.: [v.o.] You see, today we get our very own med students.
Turk: Welcome to Hell. [laughs] Gimme some hungry chicken. Not hungry enough. Give me some more. There you go. There you go.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Look how scared they are. It's like we're cheetahs and they're a pack of gazelles.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: So, I was just thinking I want someone I can be friends with, you know?
Elliot: Personally, I hope I get the biggest jerk in the bunch. I took so much crap when I was a med student that I've just been waiting for the day I get to make someone suffer.

Quote from Elliot

Philip: Listen, nurse. I'm looking for a Dr. Elliot Reid.
Elliot: I'm Elliot Reid.
Philip: Guy's name, guy's job, guy's clothes. Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
Elliot: Oh, goody! You're a jerk.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Excuse me, doctor. Have you seen a med student around here?
Kristen: Um, yeah. Me.
Turk: Cool. Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Kristen: Actually, the only people that call me "ma'am" are nobody.
Turk: Uh, no. I use "ma'am" all the time. Watch. What up, ma'am? See? It's my thing.
Kristen: Yeah, right. Now, come on. I'm here to learn.

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