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38Quotes from ‘My Road to Nowhere’

Scrubs: My Road to Nowhere

608. My Road to Nowhere

Aired February 8, 2007

After Dr. Cox and Turk convince J.D. of the importance of seeing the baby's first ultrasound, he decides to go on a road trip to Washington. J.D., Carla, Elliot, Keith, Ted and the Janitor take a ride in Dr. Kelso's new RV. Meanwhile, Dr. Cox and Jordan get some unexpected news about her pregnancy.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Check out that body, bet you'd like to give her a ride, uh?
Ted: [staring at an old woman] Ooh, you bet-cha!
Dr. Kelso: Over here, perv. It's for my retirement, so Enid and I can see the country in luxury.
Ted: So it's a wheelchair accessable for her, sir?
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I'm not retiring for at least three years. If she's still alive, I'll deal with it then.

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Quote from Turk

Turk: So you're here for your ultrasound, huh? I can't believe you're going to let him know the sex, especially when you could... No, that's too mean, I couldn't do it.
Jordan: No, mean is good. I like mean.
Turk: You could learn the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head, and play him like your little bitch-boy.
Jordan: Perry was so wrong about you. You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting, basketball-dribbling , blood-sugar-watching, idiotic man-boy!
Turk: Stop.

Quote from Turk

[As Dr. Mickhead walks by with his phone, the "Guy Love" ringtone plays]
Turk: Mickhead! Give me my phone.
Dr. Mickhead: It's mine.
Turk: Oh, really? Does yours have a picture of Carla in the background?
Dr. Mickhead: Yes.
Turk: Ha! Trick question! Mine's got Tyra Banks, see?!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Not only did I have a long distance girlfriend who was pregnant, but I still hadn't found an apartment. So I was living on my half-acre in a tent. [alarm clock is pulled away] A haunted tent.
Buzz: Stop stealing our power!
Donna: You are ruining our neighborhood!
J.D.: Oh, really, Donna?! I'm ruining the neighborhood? At least I'm quiet! Were you guys having sex last night, or raping a baboon?!
Buzz: I wasn't home last night.
J.D.: My bad.
Donna: I'm gonna beat your ass!
J.D.: [screams]

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: Oh, man, Kim's having her first ultrasound tomorrow.
Turk: Wow, there is nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.
J.D.: You kidding me? I can't just up and leave, I gotta find an apartment. I live in a teepee.
Dr. Cox: [musically] Dorian! [talks] You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even going to say something's wrong anymore, instead I'm going to say, "It's Dorian!" And the fact that you'd be willing skip seeing that child's heartbeat for the first time, it's just plain Dorian! I mean, hell, Jordan is having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy. I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax-break.
Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby is born.
Dr. Cox: Dorian, again! I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the the bitch-cells, but Jordan has softened. In fact last night, she she ask me to cuddle her.
J.D.: [v.o.] Is cuddling bad now?!

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] The secret to a great road trip is to get as many people as possible to come along.
J.D.: So, are you guys in?
Elliot: Totally! The last road trip I went on was with my sorority sisters and I went to Tijuana. So it will be nice to go with people who actually like me.
Keith: Why are you always so hard on yourself? Your sorority sisters probably loved you.
Elliot: Keith, they tried to sell me.
J.D.: You know, Keith, if the buyer hadn't been an undercover federale, Elliott would be a slave somewhere. There wouldn't be any uncomfortable sexual tension between us and you and I would probably be best-friends.
Keith: Yeah?
J.D.: Yeah!
Elliot: Keith!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: You know, you are one special lady, Carla. It's not every wife that works a full shift, and goes home to change baby's diapers while her husband and his girlfriend spend the weekend mooning truckers and playing Slug Bug.
Carla: It's not a big deal.
Dr. Cox: Oh, but it is. If you keep letting Gandhi do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases, while you just take care of the baby, eventually, you're not even gonna have time to shave your legs or groom your face, thus making the most prominent male figure in your daughter life, you.
Turk: Adios, pickle. As soon as I change out of this clothes, I'm outta here.
[Turk leans into kiss Carla, who has Isabella strapped to her. When he pulls back, Isabella is strapped to him].
Carla: I'm going, you're staying.
Turk: How d'you do that?!
Dr. Cox: Gandhi, I'm great at this stuff. Don't ever talk to Jordan again.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Don't touch the Kimonos those are for Dr. Kelso various masseuses.
J.D.: Ted, who's driving?
Ted: Oops, my bad.
Elliot: Maybe I should drive, so we don't all die. No offence, Ted.
Ted: [reading a magazine] None taken.

Quote from Janitor

J.D.: You guys, Turk told me how amazing it was when he saw Izzy's ultrasound. I can't miss this. I just won't.
Janitor: Can I say something? I don't know this young man. I wish I did. I admire his spirit, and if he says we must continue onward, then I say, I am in!

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: Well, how are you going to get home?
J.D.: I don't know, I'll rent a car or something. Go to care Dr. Cox. Tell him Gladys is thinking of him. He'll know it's me.
Elliot: Good luck.
Janitor: Farewell, stranger. I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
J.D.: Maybe he should lie down.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, if I let you assist on that surgery, I would be breaking every hospital protocol. And you know damn well that I would never be that inappropriate. [to a nurse] Oh, thanks, Sugar Boobs. Lucky for you, I am a man in need. Enid asked me to get her tickets to see Al Green for her birthday. I forgot, now they're sold out. Can you call him for me?
Turk: Sir, do you think I know Al Green just because I'm black?
Dr. Kelso: Plan B. Also lucky for you. Enid has gone blind from glaucoma. Now... Here's what I need.


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