Dr. Cox: Turn around. Turn around. You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry, then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves. That's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing. And by the way... [bobs head] Bob. Who doesn't get that?

Dr. Cox: God, I hate Halloween.
Carla: Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want candy.
Dr. Cox: You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipops? Honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?
Nurse Roberts: I made it. If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts.
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.

Turk: Dr. Cox, your intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Turk: I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
Turk: All I'm saying is, if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
Dr. Cox: The guy's 1,000. What's he gonna do? Take a steamer over to Europe, open up a cafe and finally meet that 900-year-old girl of his dreams?

J.D.: I can't believe she called me sir.
Turk: She called me mister.
Carla: Maybe it's because you're bald.
Turk: I'm not bald. I shave my head.
Carla: Well, then let it grow back.
Turk: Careful, honey.

J.D.: [to Dan] What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: It's funny, Vivian, because I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing as I paged you four minutes and 38 seconds ago.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, this is my big brother Dan. He just showed up unexpected.
Dr. Cox: Four minutes and 44 seconds.
Dan: Who, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Chief. Why don't have one of those nurses there pour you a big glass of calm-down juice.
J.D.: Dan, no.

Dr. Cox: You know, Newbie, it's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day," [Dan yawns] and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies. But now I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops-
Dan: Hey, Chief, does this speech have an intermission? Because I got to the lobby and take a whizz.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me.
Dan: [imitating Dr. Cox] Actually, why don't you tell me what you are keen on?
J.D.: Oh, Dan, no.
Dan: Where's the crapper?

Carla: So, Dan, what brings you to town?
Dan: Some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back. It's an easy way to pick up some extra cash.
Carla: Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he'll let that go.
Dan: Bambi?
Carla: It's a term only Carla uses.
Dan: I respect that, Bambi.
Carla: That's smart, because you do not want to get on Bambi's bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi.

Elliot: I thought I was going to be cool in high school for, like, five minutes, then my dad made me play the tuba in the marching band and I developed massive forearms. Half-way through the prom, my silk gloves exploded off me like I was the Incredible Hulk.

Dr. Cox: Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Turk: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore. The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing was a little Hallmarky for me, but darn it all if you're not showing just a ton of promise.
Turk: If I could be there, I'd be there. Wait a second. You treated him, right? So you should want to go too. Right?
Dr. Cox: Hey, Gandhi, for your information, I attended that poor vegetable's funeral every time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks. Thank God the family finally moved him over to surgery where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had once and for all.
Turk: Oh, that's great. Make jokes. You know, I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robodoc like you, but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough. You know what I'm saying, Chief?

Dr. Kelso: Can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with Rhinophyma? Dr. Murphy?
Doug: Could it be psoriasis?
Dr. Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant. Now, if any of you other would-be revellers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, damn it! You know, it's nothing personal, son, you just make me sick.
Doug: He called me son!
J.D.: Score.