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‘My Big Brother’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Scrubs: My Big Brother

206. My Big Brother

Aired October 31, 2002

J.D.'s big brother, Dan (guest star Tom Cavanagh), visits on Halloween. Meanwhile, Turk doesn't want to become a jaded doctor.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Turn around. Turn around. You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry, then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves. That's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun. We do it so we can get by. And sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing. And by the way... [bobs head] Bob. Who doesn't get that?

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Quote from Nurse Roberts

Dr. Cox: God, I hate Halloween.
Carla: Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want candy.
Dr. Cox: You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipops? Honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?
Nurse Roberts: I made it. If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts.
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Turk: Dr. Cox, your intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Turk: I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
Turk: All I'm saying is, if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
Dr. Cox: The guy's 1,000. What's he gonna do? Take a steamer over to Europe, open up a cafe and finally meet that 900-year-old girl of his dreams?

Quote from Turk

J.D.: I can't believe she called me sir.
Turk: She called me mister.
Carla: Maybe it's because you're bald.
Turk: I'm not bald. I shave my head.
Carla: Well, then let it grow back.
Turk: Careful, honey.

Quote from Dan

J.D.: [to Dan] What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: It's funny, Vivian, because I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing as I paged you four minutes and 38 seconds ago.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, this is my big brother Dan. He just showed up unexpected.
Dr. Cox: Four minutes and 44 seconds.
Dan: Who, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Chief. Why don't have one of those nurses there pour you a big glass of calm-down juice.
J.D.: Dan, no.

Quote from Dan

Dr. Cox: You know, Newbie, it's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day," [Dan yawns] and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies. But now I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops-
Dan: Hey, Chief, does this speech have an intermission? Because I got to the lobby and take a whizz.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me.
Dan: [imitating Dr. Cox] Actually, why don't you tell me what you are keen on?
J.D.: Oh, Dan, no.
Dan: Where's the crapper?

Quote from Carla

Carla: So, Dan, what brings you to town?
Dan: Some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back. It's an easy way to pick up some extra cash.
Carla: Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.
J.D.: [v.o.] Maybe he'll let that go.
Dan: Bambi?
Carla: It's a term only Carla uses.
Dan: I respect that, Bambi.
Carla: That's smart, because you do not want to get on Bambi's bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: I thought I was going to be cool in high school for, like, five minutes, then my dad made me play the tuba in the marching band and I developed massive forearms. Half-way through the prom, my silk gloves exploded off me like I was the Incredible Hulk.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Turk: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore. The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing was a little Hallmarky for me, but darn it all if you're not showing just a ton of promise.
Turk: If I could be there, I'd be there. Wait a second. You treated him, right? So you should want to go too. Right?
Dr. Cox: Hey, Gandhi, for your information, I attended that poor vegetable's funeral every time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks. Thank God the family finally moved him over to surgery where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had once and for all.
Turk: Oh, that's great. Make jokes. You know, I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robodoc like you, but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough. You know what I'm saying, Chief?

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with Rhinophyma? Dr. Murphy?
Doug: Could it be psoriasis?
Dr. Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant. Now, if any of you other would-be revellers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, damn it! You know, it's nothing personal, son, you just make me sick.
Doug: He called me son!
J.D.: Score.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Now, next time, if you're not here in 30 minutes, I expect a free dead body or at least some garlic knots.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don't think so. [to the body bag] Miss Parker, you care to weigh in? Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two. Except, of course, that a yellow light means to slow down.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] Even close friends can disagree about decisions.
Turk: How about this one?
J.D.: You want a clear shower curtain? Why not just nude up in the living room and you can spray me down with a hose?
Turk: Dude, if you're gonna be that self-conscious I can always doodle in chest hairs where about where you'd stand.
J.D.: I have a chest hair. I named him Clancy.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: We're practically kids.
Elliot: Really, well, what you doing for Halloween tomorrow?
Turk: Well, we used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town.
J.D.: Yeah, you have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.

Quote from J.D.

Carla: She didn't ask what you used to do, she asked what you're doing this Halloween.
Turk: We got plans.
J.D.: Big plans.
Elliot: Watch TV and sleep.
Turk: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: I may take a bath first.
Turk: Bubbles?
J.D.: Give me some. [high five]

Quote from Dan

Dan: I can be a doctor.
J.D.: I can't let you tell him.
Dan: I won't call you Bambi anymore.
[cut to:]
Dan: It was touch and go. You're a fighter. You pulled through. We'll get you out of here today. Keep an eye on those rickles.
Man: Rickles is my last name.
Dan: You bet it is. Do you have kids?
Man: Two.
Dan: That's what I'm saying. Watch the little Rickles. Children are our future.
J.D.: Doctor, we need you.
Dan: Dammit, Bambi, I'm busy. It's so hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Dan wasn't just the captain of every team. He was, like, the mayor of high school. The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him, the nerds, like, worshiped him.
Elliot: What about you?
Dan: He mentioned nerds.
J.D.: See, why hurt me?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Stop your stupid laughing. It makes you look like a whore! Joking.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Cox: Would people please stop calling me Chief?
Dr. Kelso: Hey, numbnuts.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Trick.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor: I just figured you got to be wondering am I gonna get a trick or am I gonna get a treat? You'll be getting a trick.
J.D.: Whatever.
Janitor: It'll be fast and you won't even know it's me.
J.D.: You just told me it was gonna be you.
Janitor: You'll still have your doubts. The best part is you're gonna be nervous all day about it 'cause it could happen at any time. Like now! [J.D. screams] That wasn't it. Fun, though.
J.D.: False alarm, boys.

Quote from Turk

Turk: All right. Here we go, Mr. Carney. Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused. I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. Zen, man.
Dr. Wen: Christopher, after 15 years and over 10,000 surgeries, I can do without the pep talk.
Turk: Message received, sir. [whispers] I believe in you.

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