Elliot: Dr. Kelso, why does everything keep happening to me?
Dr. Kelso: Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In and out. That's it, that's it. Now, you went to four years of college and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight. My God, little girl, grow up and say how-do to the world of modern medicine. My God, I've been sued four times.
Ted: [whispers] Ten times.

J.D.: Thanks for starting the Solumedrol on my TTP patient. I'm sorry I'm being such a pain about this guy. It's just Dr. Cox and I have this little competition going. And I know that probably seems insensitive to you-
Nurse Roberts: Sweetheart, you don't have to explain yourself to me. But you better get your story straight when you come face-to-face with Jesus.

J.D.: Look, Elliot, my dad's an office supplies salesman, a bad one. So things were a little different for me growing up.
[flashback:]
Sam Dorian: See, this is a bicycle bell. Now, you hold onto this, because I'm gonna give you a different part every year. Maybe after the party we can take it out for a spin.
Young J.D.: Great.
[present:]
J.D.: Still waiting on that kickstand.

J.D.: [v.o.] As I sat there, still searching for answers about my patient, I realized that I still needed Dr. Cox. It's hard to face a harsh truth about yourself. The only thing you can do is try to take positive steps. Unfortunately, it's hard to take positive steps when you've burned the bridge you need to walk across.
Dr. Cox: It was luck.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: The thing that you forgot. Turns out, whatever you know about medicine, ultimately luck or fate or God or who knows what is always gonna end up playing a much bigger role in the whole thing than you and I ever will. Hell, it was lucky you were watching that show the other night, and it was unlucky that your patient went the other way, even though you did everything right. And for the record, you did. I was looking over your shoulder every step of the way.
J.D.: Thanks.
Dr. Cox: It wasn't a favor, Newbie. It was my job.

Mr. Bragin: I prepared myself, you know? I was really ready.
Elliot: Yeah.
Mr. Bragin: Dr. Reid, have you ever faced your own mortality?
Elliot: Before senior prom I tried to wax my own eyebrows and took them both clean off. Yeah. And by that, I mean no. Never.
Mr. Bragin: Must have been a tough time for you, though.
Elliot: Oh, sure.

Turk: Excuse me, ma'am. Jordan! Carla has something she'd like to tell you. Carla.
Carla: I didn't mean to upset you, even though everything I said was true and you know it.
Turk: Baby, that is a God-awful apology. That is just God-awful.
Jordan: It's because she's not really sorry. Honey, I know your type. It is so easy to see other people's problems from way up there on your pedestal. But you better be careful up there, because if you fall off and have to walk around down here with the rest of us, I don't know, you might catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, the surface of a pond, or your boyfriend's gigantic, shiny head, and trust me, you're not gonna like what you see.

Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway?
Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal. Could you be a bigger ass right now?
Dr. Cox: Could you have a bigger ass right now?

J.D.: [to neighbor] Oh, thank God! We were looking all over for you. Rowdy, bad. I don't know why he always goes to your door. Do you have a stuffed cat? [closes door]
Turk: Nothing?
J.D.: Nada. That's 14 times we've done it to him, and not one laugh.
Turk: Mark it up.

Dr. Cox: I guarantee you that's a simple case of cellulitis right there.
J.D.: Actually, Dr. Cox, I was watching TV last night, and they had this special on flesh-eating bacteria.
Dr. Cox: Necrotizing fasciitis.
J.D.: Yes, I think they called it flesh-eating bacteria to sound more flashy, hook in all the idiots.
Dr. Cox: Apparently it worked.
J.D.: Anyhoo, point being, they said it was easy to confuse cellulitis with Chompers. [off Dr. Cox's look] Chompers was the animated, flesh-eating bacteria that narrated the special.

Dr. Cox: Look, Britney, recently I made the potentially fatal mistake of getting back together with my ex-wife who, angel that she is, is carrying the spawn of another man's seed. So forgive me if I sound irritable when I tell you I don't care what piece of irrelevant drivel you picked off TV while you were snuggled up in your Holly Hobby PJs.