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41Quotes from ‘My Conventional Wisdom’

Scrubs: My Conventional Wisdom

620. My Conventional Wisdom

Aired May 10, 2007

Turk tries to get J.D.'s mind off Elliot by taking him to a convention in Phoenix. Dr. Cox gives Elliot something to think about when he turns down an invitation to her wedding. Meanwhile, with Dr. Kelso also in Arizona, the Janitor takes on the role of Chief of Medicine.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: [sings] On our way to Phoenix, yeah!
[As the car drives away, the camera is static:]
J.D.: Hey, you know how in the movies when a car gets farther and farther away, you can still hear people talking like they're right in front of the camera?
Turk: Yeah, that drives me crazy.
J.D.: Hey, I brought snacks for the trip. Pringle? Oh, um, turn left here to go on the freeway.
Turk: No, not yet. I gotta stop and go pee.
J.D.: Already? I told you to go before we left.

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Quote from Janitor

Dr. Kelso: A SPECT camera, eh? My hospital, Sacred Heart, needs one of those.
Salesman: It's funny you should say that. I was just on the phone with your chief of medicine ten minutes ago.
[meanwhile:]
Janitor: Hmm, fax this to someone. [answers phone] Chief o' medicine.
Dr. Kelso: I'm the Chief of Medicine, Bob Kelso. Who the hell is this?
Janitor: Uh, I'm you. I'm talking to you from a future phone. By the way, sell all your gasoline stocks, everything now runs on potatoes!
Dr. Kelso: I don't know who the hell this is, but when I find out I am going to put my loafer so far up your ass you're gonna have tassles hanging out of your nose. Now, tell me who you are.
Janitor: What's your name again?
Ted: Teddy Buckland.
Dr. Kelso: Ted?!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Uh, hey, everyone! I've been looking for a new role playing game, ever since my Lord of the Rings club booted me for using an actual war hammer. So, would anybody mind, if I pretended to be the Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town? [murmurs of agreement]
Dr. Cox: Oh, Janitor you're a natural!
[The Janitor is suddenly wearing a lab coat and stethoscope]
Janitor: Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: I've always wanted to be married so badly. I mean, what if I am settling with Keith?
Carla: Elliott, what you're going through is normal.
Jordan: Mmm-hmm. When I got engaged all I could think of was, "Why am I with this angry, cynical idiot?" But then I fought through it and realized he was the love of my life. Unfortunately we had a little argument, and so we broke up, but then I met Perry a month later, we have two beautiful children and the point is, sometimes settling works.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot had accepted Keith's proposal, it was time to start planning the wedding.
Elliot: Ok, so I took a picture of the church that we're gonna be married in. Only imagine that the hearse upfront is actually a horse and a carriage, and the people in the coffins are us.
Keith: You already picked the church?
Elliot: Yeah, I've reserved it for the third week in July every year since I was nineteen. When I tell Father O'Neil that I actually need it this time, he's going to crap a communion cracker. Now, being that it's already May, we have to decide if we wanna get married in two months, or in a year and two months.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I mean what if not being with Elliot is the biggest mistake of my life?
Turk: You made bigger mistakes.
[flashback to J.D. calling the movie ticket hotline:]
Male Voice: [on phone] For tickets to see "Basic Instinct 2", press the pound key.
[present:]
J.D.: That one still stings.
Turk: Yeah, she didn't even show her vajayjay.
J.D.: Oh, it's on the DVD extras. It's labelled "Vagina".

Quote from Turk

Turk: Alright, time to hit the convention floor. You got your name tag?
J.D.: Yes, I do.
[J.D. puts on a name tag which reads "Vanilla Bear, MD"]
Turk: Me too.
[Turk puts on a name tag which reads "Chocolate Bear, MD"]

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Seriously, do you realize how much work goes into planning a wedding?
Elliot: Uh, yeah. What do you think I've been doing for the last ten years? See, it's all in here. There's the seating charts. And the photographer that I reserved every year under a different alias. Oh, and here is a photo of my wedding dress. Which I am totally going to fit into, thanks to that awesome parasite I got from eating sushi.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Say I was too nervous to hand that girl over there, what advice would you give me?
Old MC: Bust a move! [both laugh]
Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on, but I'm too shy to get down? What should I do?
Old MC: Bust a move!
J.D.: You're awesome man! What are you drinking? We'll buy you one.
Old MC: Bust a move!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: Sir, we are being professional. We, we were coming over here just now to check out this booth right here with the crapper.
Salesman: Oh, it's, it's much more than that. If a patient has a bowel movement in it, it immediately gives the diagnosis. We call it the Dr. Toilet.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Mr. Mimov, I wanted a second opinion, so I've called in my colleague Dr. Toilet.
Dr. Toilet: I agree. The best course of action is dialysis.
J.D.: Dr. Toilet, I'm sorry about the other day, uh, I had just had my morning coffee and a bran muffin. It was kind of an emergency situation. I know you were napping, but it was an accident.
Dr. Toilet: An accident? Dr. Dorian, there are 48 other toilets in this hospital. I'm the only one that's a doctor, and yet you came into my office and you sat on me. Didn't you hear me screaming to get off?
J;Roger, in my defense those sounds were very muffled. I thought they were coming from me!
Dr. Toilet: You know what, John? Let's just drop it and move on.
[later in Dr. Toilet's office:]
Dr. Toilet: Janine, hold my calls. I'm gonna take a nap.
Janine: [on phone] Sure thing, Dr. Toilet.
[J.D. goes into Dr. Toilet's office with a newspaper]
[reality:]
J.D.: I wouldn't be able to help myself.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: [on the phone] Hi, Gary, it's Elliot Reid. I know that we haven't spoken since you broke up with me in the 11th grade but I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting married. Oh, also I was sorry to hear that you lost your legs.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Listen here, young doctor Gilchrist.
Keith: Uh, that's not my name.
Janitor: Gilchrist, please. She's not upset with you because you asked her to help. She's upset because you insinuated her job was less important.
Carla: He's actually right.
Janitor: And you, Nurse Ipanema. Realize this is a young doctor under stress. Ted, come along. We've much work to do.
Carla: Wait. Ted, Ted, Ted? What are you doing?
Ted: I'm a follower.

Quote from Janitor

Dr. Cox: I got to be honest with you, I can't make heads or tales out of these things. When is this hospital gonna get its own SPECT camera?
Janitor: That is a very good point and I am on it. Ted, add that to the list. I will check to see if the quarterly fiscals can accommodate the financial comps. I hope so.
Dr. Cox: Ted, you do realize that was all gibberish. He's... He's just pretending. He can't make any real changes in this place.
Ted: Tell that to the new daycare program.
Jack: Hi, Dad.
Dr. Cox: Jack? What are you doing?

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: You know, if you are still having problems with that picture, all you gotta do is agree to go to my wedding, and you can use our camera.
Dr. Cox: Blondie, as attached as I have indeed become to my patient, his death due to my inability to see a clear picture of his heart would still be a preferable alternative to actually having to hear you utter your self-written vows, "My dearest Keith, my heart was like a vault but you picked the lock like an apple thief who picks the first Golden Delicious of the fall harvest".
Elliot: Okay, first of all stop reading my wedding binder. It's private. And I cannot believe that you wouldn't wanna come see me start my life with my soulmate.
Dr. Cox: Soulmate? Try last resort. Let's just be honest for two seconds here. You basically lived in this dump for the last six years and there weren't that many guys to choose from once you eliminate the women and the gays, the too old, the too poor, the ones who just barely beat the wrap for murdering their first wife, and of course, Ted.
Ted: No!
Dr. Cox: Well then, what's left?

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?
Kim: That's probably a question I should answer more face-to-face after the lecture. Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.
Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.
J.D.: [v.o.] How did he get over there so fast?
J.D.: You're a good friend!
Turk: I've got your back.

Quote from Kim

Kim: Anyone else have a question? Yes, you i-in the back.
Old MC: Bust-a-move!
Kim: Really more of a statement than a question, but thank you.

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: And that is how I got my name.
Barista: You don't look Asian.
Ted: Hey, why aren't you being the Chief of Medicine?
Janitor: I'm just taking a break, Ted, I don't want it to get stale.
Ted: The hospital needs you! I need you! Doesn't that mean anything?
[The Janitor quickly changes out of his janitorial uniform and into a lab coat]
Janitor: Damn right it does. Now, let's go find a cure for polio.

Quote from Jordan

Carla: There's no need to freak out, Elliot. All women go through the same stages once they are engaged. First there's the: "Yeah, I'm engaged" stage. Remember yesterday?
Elliot: I know. It was so great.
Jordan: Then comes the: "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna have sex with the same person for the rest of my life" stage, and that's when you head to the nearest frat house, ditch your undies and then the next morning do the walk of shame to your Beamer.
Elliot: Sure.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, you'll get through this. You just have to try to not act like a crazy person. See, at times like this we tend to torture our men. To test him.
Elliot: Oh, yeah. I can't see myself doing that.
[later:]
Elliot: What's this, Keith? Huh?
Keith: Our sample invite with the letter you picked up.
Elliot: Uh, no. This is not, what I picked out. I picked out Flourished Italic, now you go back to the printer, and tell them it should look like this. [Elliot writes "Dumb Frick" in a stylized font on Keith's scrubs] I went to calligraphy camp. Now, don't you screw this up Keith. Because if this goes wrong, then the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed, and fat, and you cheat on me and I swear to God I will chop it off!
Keith: What just happened?

Quote from Turk

Turk: How you doing?
J.D.: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.
Turk: No no, that was bigger than a bomb. More like an asteroid about to hit the planet. You know, people running in the streets screaming, "Oh, my God, it's coming right at us!" And then dudes turning to hot chicks and they're all like, "Look, we're about to die, so can I hit that?" and then girl's like "Hell, to the no!" but then she realizes, "Oh, my God, I'm about to die, so you know what, yeah, you can hit this, but no kissing."
J.D.: That's exactly what it's like!

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: You wanted to see me, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I know it was you, and you are going to pay dearly.
Janitor: Wait, first I want you to meet a new doctor.
[The Janitor wheels in Dr. Toilet]
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Toilet? He's beautiful.
Janitor: I trimmed a little fat in the budget so we could afford him.
Dr. Kelso: Ted's vacation pay?
Janitor: What vacation pay? [both laugh]
Dr. Kelso: Get out of here.


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