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36Quotes from ‘My Best Friend's Mistake’

Scrubs: My Best Friend's Mistake

103. My Best Friend's Mistake

Aired October 9, 2001

When J.D. thinks Turk might be responsible for one of his patient's condition, he not only questions Turk's abilities as a surgeon but also their friendship. Meanwhile, Elliot confronts Dr. Kelso when he calls her sweetheart.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Bambi, are you giving me attitude?
J.D.: What if I am?
Carla: [laughs] Sweetie, you have to be a minority sidekick in a bad movie to pull that off. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Nurse Roberts: Oh, child, please. You speak the truth.
Carla: Explain it to this man, please. First, you do the hand, then you do the finger, then you talk through the nose. And then you give a lot of attitude. That's how it works. But if you're not from there, you don't understand, so I'm not going to even ask you.
J.D.: OK, I'm gonna leave now.
Carla: What? [gasps] Oh, no, you didn't! Where you going? Where you going?

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Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sat behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid but, sending me to Kelso like that, I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Elliot: I think we both know there's a little more to it than that.
Dr. Cox: No, no, no. No, there's not. Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy. I've had enough. The next whiny intern that comes to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine, over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot: You're right. I need to learn to pick my battles. Thank you, sir.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Wen: Look, I've been an attending for three years here. What makes you think you know better?
Turk: In my gut I know I'm right.
Dr. Wen: We need to make this decision now.
Turk: Fine, then it's on you.
Dr. Wen: Yes, it is. Nurse. Erasure.
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
[Erasure's "A Little Respect" plays]
Patient: I hate this song.
Turk: Me too, man. Me too.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's weird, but a hospital room can actually be kind of a romantic place. Maybe it's the soft green glow of a heart monitor, or the way the moonlight reflects off a bedpan.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: OK, gang, it's time for rounds. Let's see who's The Weakest Link. [all laugh; Kelso laughs the longest] The Weakest Link! Now, then, Dr. Simotas. The severe swelling of the lips exhibited by this patient might be an indication of what?
Dr. Simotas: Angio-oedema.
Dr. Kelso: Well done, sport. And what treatment would you recommend, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: A combination of steroids and any of several antihistamines.
Dr. Kelso: Attaboy, sport. What would you recommend the patient stay away from, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: My first guess would be shellfish.
Dr. Kelso: Right you are, sweetheart.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: On the one hand, I know Dr. Kelso doesn't mean anything by it, and OK, maybe I am kind of a sweetheart.
Dr. Cox: I'm sleeping.
Elliot: On the other hand, it just sounds so demeaning, you know?
Dr. Cox: Mother of God, you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
Elliot: It's not like he's my grandpa or anything. Anyway, J.D. always tells me how much you've helped him.
Dr. Cox: So he obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy, has he? Look, this whole groovy guidance counselor thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I'm not that guy. You can go and ask anybody. Now, you've got to leave me alone or I'll punish you.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Elliot: I guess sweetheart is kind of innocuous.
Dr. Cox: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Go right down there and confront Kelso.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely. Never mind that he is the Chief of Medicine for the entire hospital, he'll have a whole new level of respect for you.
Elliot: Honestly?
Dr. Cox: Yes. You can't have sexist terms like that around here. You go get 'im. [slaps Elliot's butt as she leaves]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, end up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me. Accident. Lawsuit. [all] Accident. Lawsuit.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Mr. Kavanaugh, your arrhythmia's much better. Everything looks just great, actually.
Mr. Kavanaugh: You sound surprised.
Elliot: Well, okay, it has nothing to do with you. I had a little run-in with Dr. Kelso yesterday, so when he switched me over to you, I thought it would be a difficult case.
[Mr. Kavanaugh gets up out of bed and stands before Elliot naked]
Mr. Kavanaugh: Go on, I'm listening.
Elliot: Excuse me while I go check on another penis... patient. Well, he's a penis patient.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Kelso: So, what is it, sweetheart?
Elliot: It's that. It's the sweetheart thing. It just doesn't hit me right. I'm a doctor, it seems sort of disrespectful.
Dr. Kelso: Oh? I've always called men "sport" and the young ladies "sweetheart".
Elliot: But you call Becky "sport".
Dr. Kelso: Oh. Well, I am so sorry, sport. It must be one of those bad habits I've developed after working in the medical field for over 30 years.
Elliot: 30 years? But you look so young.

Quote from J.D.

Elliot: Our shifts keep overlapping on Friday nights.
J.D.: It's the closest thing I've had to a date recently.
Elliot: Well, I had a great time tonight.
J.D.: Oh, yeah. Me too. So, can I page you?
Elliot: You better. And don't do the two-day waiting thing.
J.D.: Oh, baby, I don't play by the rules.
Elliot: So, goodnight.
J.D.: [v.o.] Wait a second. Is she joking? Because if she's joking and I kiss her
[fantasy: Elliot slaps J.D. Dr. Kelso kicks him out of the hospital. A scruffy J.D. holds up a sign reading "Will give physical for food"]
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, if she's not joking I don't do this for all the doctors.
[fantasy: J.D. and Elliot get married. J.D. and Elliot post-coital in bed. Later, J.D. is between Elliot and another woman in bed]
Elliot: Come on, I don't do this for all the doctors.
J.D.: [v.o.] Yes!

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Look, this guy's gonna need 40mEqs of KCL. Go ahead and grab me when you get the results.
J.D.: You got it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, and his TV is broken, so when you two do start tagging each other, the least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] In my experience, when two friends miss a chance like this, you've got exactly 48 hours to get the kiss.
Otherwise one of you's going to over-think it. OK, she's gonna over-think it. And then you end up permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: So nothing was going on last night between me and Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Good thing you still have your flower then.
J.D.: I'm just a little lonely. I guess because haven't been hanging out with Turk since he's been dating Carla.
Dr. Cox: First of all, who's Turk? And don't answer. Look, if you have a medical question for me, I'm forced by hospital policy to answer you. However, if you ask me about a personal problem, I'm going to start doing this. [flicks J.D.'s ear]

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [to J.D.] You seem unhappy. I like that.

Quote from Turk

Turk: [singing] I try to discover A little something to make me sweeter. Oh, baby, refrain. [talking] I cannot get that stupid song out of my head. It's like a damn virus.

Quote from Todd

Turk: Okay, here's his chart, his transfer note. He's haemodynamically stable. Consider him officially turfed to medicine.
Todd: T-Man. I'm gonna get my grub on.
Turk: [to J.D.] Means he's gonna go eat.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Kelso: Yes?
Elliot: Sorry to bother you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't "sport". How are things? Did you see Mr. Kavanaugh today?
Elliot: Yes. [flashback] Yes, I did. Dr. Kelso, I just wanted to say, well, as far as the sweetheart thing goes, maybe I overreacted.
Dr. Kelso: Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to be the least bit uncomfortable.
Elliot: I have no idea what possessed me to say anything in the first place.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: You've got to leave me alone or I'll punish you.
[present:]
Elliot: Absolutely no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Super. Then run along, sweetheart. [singing] I try to discover A little something to make me sweeter

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: The first few weeks here have been so hard, mentally, physically, emotionally. It's like math camp all over again. Not that I've been to math camp, it's just an expression.
J.D.: I use it all the time.


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