Carla: Bambi, are you giving me attitude?
J.D.: What if I am?
Carla: [laughs] Sweetie, you have to be a minority sidekick in a bad movie to pull that off. You know what I'm talking about, right?
Nurse Roberts: Oh, child, please. You speak the truth.
Carla: Explain it to this man, please. First, you do the hand, then you do the finger, then you talk through the nose. And then you give a lot of attitude. That's how it works. But if you're not from there, you don't understand, so I'm not going to even ask you.
J.D.: OK, I'm gonna leave now.
Carla: What? [gasps] Oh, no, you didn't! Where you going? Where you going?

Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping for your sake there's another Dr. Cox sat behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid but, sending me to Kelso like that, I'm not sure what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.
Elliot: I think we both know there's a little more to it than that.
Dr. Cox: No, no, no. No, there's not. Look, I want you to go ahead and spread the word, missy. I've had enough. The next whiny intern that comes to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine, over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brain ship because he's drunk at the wheel.
Elliot: You're right. I need to learn to pick my battles. Thank you, sir.
Dr. Cox: You're welcome.

Dr. Wen: Look, I've been an attending for three years here. What makes you think you know better?
Turk: In my gut I know I'm right.
Dr. Wen: We need to make this decision now.
Turk: Fine, then it's on you.
Dr. Wen: Yes, it is. Nurse. Erasure.
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
[Erasure's "A Little Respect" plays]
Patient: I hate this song.
Turk: Me too, man. Me too.

J.D.: [v.o.] It's weird, but a hospital room can actually be kind of a romantic place. Maybe it's the soft green glow of a heart monitor, or the way the moonlight reflects off a bedpan.

Dr. Kelso: OK, gang, it's time for rounds. Let's see who's The Weakest Link. [all laugh; Kelso laughs the longest] The Weakest Link! Now, then, Dr. Simotas. The severe swelling of the lips exhibited by this patient might be an indication of what?
Dr. Simotas: Angio-oedema.
Dr. Kelso: Well done, sport. And what treatment would you recommend, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: A combination of steroids and any of several antihistamines.
Dr. Kelso: Attaboy, sport. What would you recommend the patient stay away from, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: My first guess would be shellfish.
Dr. Kelso: Right you are, sweetheart.

Elliot: On the one hand, I know Dr. Kelso doesn't mean anything by it, and OK, maybe I am kind of a sweetheart.
Dr. Cox: I'm sleeping.
Elliot: On the other hand, it just sounds so demeaning, you know?
Dr. Cox: Mother of God, you're not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?
Elliot: It's not like he's my grandpa or anything. Anyway, J.D. always tells me how much you've helped him.
Dr. Cox: So he obviously hasn't told you about my ear-flicking policy, has he? Look, this whole groovy guidance counselor thing you people seem to have working is a total fantasy. I'm not that guy. You can go and ask anybody. Now, you've got to leave me alone or I'll punish you.

Elliot: I guess sweetheart is kind of innocuous.
Dr. Cox: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Go right down there and confront Kelso.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely. Never mind that he is the Chief of Medicine for the entire hospital, he'll have a whole new level of respect for you.
Elliot: Honestly?
Dr. Cox: Yes. You can't have sexist terms like that around here. You go get 'im. [slaps Elliot's butt as she leaves]

Ted: Legally, there's a huge difference. When you stitch a patient, end up sewing a sheet to him, that's an accident. When he tries getting up, the whole gurney collapses, breaking his front teeth, that's a lawsuit. Say it with me. Accident. Lawsuit. [all] Accident. Lawsuit.

Elliot: Mr. Kavanaugh, your arrhythmia's much better. Everything looks just great, actually.
Mr. Kavanaugh: You sound surprised.
Elliot: Well, okay, it has nothing to do with you. I had a little run-in with Dr. Kelso yesterday, so when he switched me over to you, I thought it would be a difficult case.
[Mr. Kavanaugh gets up out of bed and stands before Elliot naked]
Mr. Kavanaugh: Go on, I'm listening.
Elliot: Excuse me while I go check on another penis... patient. Well, he's a penis patient.

Dr. Kelso: So, what is it, sweetheart?
Elliot: It's that. It's the sweetheart thing. It just doesn't hit me right. I'm a doctor, it seems sort of disrespectful.
Dr. Kelso: Oh? I've always called men "sport" and the young ladies "sweetheart".
Elliot: But you call Becky "sport".
Dr. Kelso: Oh. Well, I am so sorry, sport. It must be one of those bad habits I've developed after working in the medical field for over 30 years.
Elliot: 30 years? But you look so young.