Elliot: As a woman, have you ever noticed how self-esteem issues just creep up on you?
Carla: I have sausage fingers.
Jordan: Do you remember when I pulled strings with the board and got Perry that promotion? Yeah. People started talking and Perry ended up totally emasculated. So it worked out great for me.

J.D.: [v.o.] People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith. But I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.
J.D.: Can you believe those two?
Nurse Roberts: No, I can't. All that carrying on in public.
Nurse: It's way too much.
J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry. I switched places so I could go again.

Mrs. Cooke: Bob, just a note about the tapioca. I'm much more partial to flan.
Dr. Kelso: You're a flan fan. It's fun to say, more fun to eat. Anyway, anything that you need, you just ask Dr.
Cox. Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend.
Dr. Cox: Can't say I'm shocked.
Dr. Kelso: Take care of her.
Dr. Cox: You can count on me, Bobbo! Here's the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving you and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory "best doctor in the city" date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I'm thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let's see who that monkey's gonna be.
Rex: Ooh! Banana.
Dr. Cox: Rex it is. Have a great night. You're in very capable nine-fingered hands.

J.D.: [v.o.] It was a beautiful day, so I invited Elliot over to my half-acre for some friendly sunbathing. Unfortunately, she brought Keith.
Elliot: Oh, thanks for doing that, J.D. I'd do it myself, but the Bobbsey Twins are already loose.
J.D.: No worries. It's not that homoerotic, is it?
Keith: Oh, God, no. [bites towel]
J.D.: [v.o.] Keith didn't know I mildly disliked him. He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back.
Keith: Does it smell like pie crust?
J.D.: That's the rhododendron, Keith. Everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom.

J.D.: [v.o.] A local magazine named Dr. Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr. Cox felt this was big news.
Dr. Cox: All right. Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond, "You are!" If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you." Now my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan: You are. And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Cox: Well done.

Turk: Mmm. That was amazing, baby. I've never felt so close to you.
Carla: Oh, me too. [sighs] Turk?
Turk: Were you not done cuddling, honey? I was thinking maybe we could go over to J.D. 's half-acre. Put a blanket down. You can lie in my lap while I stroke your hair.
Carla: Real reason, Turk.
Turk: J.D. has a Slip 'n Slide and I want to show off my slammin' new moves. I call this "The Captain." Right. And then, wait, "The Dolphin." [squeaks]
Carla: I swear, Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.
J.D.: [over watch] Tell her I've known you longer.
Carla: Ugh!

Rex: Mrs. Levin won't take her medication.
J.D.: Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex. And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello!
J.D.: [v.o.] Rex would remember that morning as the time he lost his finger tip. With patients, it's the luck of the draw. You can't choose how tolerant they are.
Woman: Young man, can you make sure they don't give me any black blood?
Turk: I'll try.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can't choose how classy they are.
Carla: Oh, your hernia stitches look great, Mr. Borland.
Mr. Borland: Could you give them a kiss?
Carla: Maybe later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Bottom line, you can't choose your patients.

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Listen up.
Keith: You are!
Dr. Cox: We're not doing that anymore. Now you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right?
Keith: Yes, sir.
Dr. Cox: Terrific. I need you to go figure out what's wrong with that darn third-floor coffee machine. And, Gandharoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually all right with that.
Dr. Cox: Let's go, group.

Elliot: Look at our three manly men.
Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed.
Elliot: Keith loves to knit throw pillows.
Carla: Turk might be sterile.
Jordan: We have a winner.
Carla: I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test.
Elliot: So why don't you just ask him to get tested?
Carla: Oh, Turk is very sensitive when it comes to his manliness. Remember when I told him his backpack looked like a purse?
[flashback to Turk locked in the bathroom in the fetal position on the floor:]
Carla: Turk, honey, I didn't mean it.
Turk: I am a man! And a man does not carry a purse! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Turk: [over watch] Hey, Gizmo, can you check on Mr. Jensen for me?
J.D.: No problem, Brown Bear. Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.