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40Quotes from ‘My Own Personal Hell’

Scrubs: My Own Personal Hell

514. My Own Personal Hell

Aired March 14, 2006

After a magazine calls Dr. Cox the best doctor, Dr. Kelso assigns him the case of a rude and haughty patient who's a friend of his. Meanwhile, Carla questions Turk's fertility, and J.D. doesn't stand up for Elliot when the interns accuse her of giving Keith preferential treatment.

Quote from Jordan

Elliot: As a woman, have you ever noticed how self-esteem issues just creep up on you?
Carla: I have sausage fingers.
Jordan: Do you remember when I pulled strings with the board and got Perry that promotion? Yeah. People started talking and Perry ended up totally emasculated. So it worked out great for me.

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Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith. But I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind.
J.D.: Can you believe those two?
Nurse Roberts: No, I can't. All that carrying on in public.
Nurse: It's way too much.
J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry. I switched places so I could go again.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Mrs. Cooke: Bob, just a note about the tapioca. I'm much more partial to flan.
Dr. Kelso: You're a flan fan. It's fun to say, more fun to eat. Anyway, anything that you need, you just ask Dr.
Cox. Perry, Bonnie here is an old friend.
Dr. Cox: Can't say I'm shocked.
Dr. Kelso: Take care of her.
Dr. Cox: You can count on me, Bobbo! Here's the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving you and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory "best doctor in the city" date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I'm thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up. The good news for you, though, is that you have a case of hypercalcemia. Any trained monkey can treat it. Let's see who that monkey's gonna be.
Rex: Ooh! Banana.
Dr. Cox: Rex it is. Have a great night. You're in very capable nine-fingered hands.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] It was a beautiful day, so I invited Elliot over to my half-acre for some friendly sunbathing. Unfortunately, she brought Keith.
Elliot: Oh, thanks for doing that, J.D. I'd do it myself, but the Bobbsey Twins are already loose.
J.D.: No worries. It's not that homoerotic, is it?
Keith: Oh, God, no. [bites towel]
J.D.: [v.o.] Keith didn't know I mildly disliked him. He also didn't know I was rubbing Crisco on his back.
Keith: Does it smell like pie crust?
J.D.: That's the rhododendron, Keith. Everybody knows they smell like pie when they bloom.

Quote from Dr. Cox

J.D.: [v.o.] A local magazine named Dr. Cox the best doctor in the city. Dr. Cox felt this was big news.
Dr. Cox: All right. Here's how it's going to work, people. I'm going to ask each and every one of you just exactly who is the very finest physician in this city, to which you will respond, "You are!" If you do not reply in a timely and exuberant fashion, my associate here will take his mop and, these are his words, not mine, "Popsicle you." Now my lovely ex-wife will demonstrate. Darling, just exactly who is the very best physician in our fair city?
Jordan: You are. And now, as agreed, you owe me a night on the town and some "me actually getting to finish" sex.
Dr. Cox: Well done.

Quote from Turk

Turk: Mmm. That was amazing, baby. I've never felt so close to you.
Carla: Oh, me too. [sighs] Turk?
Turk: Were you not done cuddling, honey? I was thinking maybe we could go over to J.D. 's half-acre. Put a blanket down. You can lie in my lap while I stroke your hair.
Carla: Real reason, Turk.
Turk: J.D. has a Slip 'n Slide and I want to show off my slammin' new moves. I call this "The Captain." Right. And then, wait, "The Dolphin." [squeaks]
Carla: I swear, Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are.
J.D.: [over watch] Tell her I've known you longer.
Carla: Ugh!

Quote from J.D.

Rex: Mrs. Levin won't take her medication.
J.D.: Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex. And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello!
J.D.: [v.o.] Rex would remember that morning as the time he lost his finger tip. With patients, it's the luck of the draw. You can't choose how tolerant they are.
Woman: Young man, can you make sure they don't give me any black blood?
Turk: I'll try.
J.D.: [v.o.] You can't choose how classy they are.
Carla: Oh, your hernia stitches look great, Mr. Borland.
Mr. Borland: Could you give them a kiss?
Carla: Maybe later.
J.D.: [v.o.] Bottom line, you can't choose your patients.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Listen up.
Keith: You are!
Dr. Cox: We're not doing that anymore. Now you're fairly strong at diagnosing, right?
Keith: Yes, sir.
Dr. Cox: Terrific. I need you to go figure out what's wrong with that darn third-floor coffee machine. And, Gandharoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually all right with that.
Dr. Cox: Let's go, group.

Quote from Turk

Elliot: Look at our three manly men.
Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed.
Elliot: Keith loves to knit throw pillows.
Carla: Turk might be sterile.
Jordan: We have a winner.
Carla: I can't get pregnant and I already got a fertility test.
Elliot: So why don't you just ask him to get tested?
Carla: Oh, Turk is very sensitive when it comes to his manliness. Remember when I told him his backpack looked like a purse?
[flashback to Turk locked in the bathroom in the fetal position on the floor:]
Carla: Turk, honey, I didn't mean it.
Turk: I am a man! And a man does not carry a purse! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Quote from J.D.

Turk: [over watch] Hey, Gizmo, can you check on Mr. Jensen for me?
J.D.: No problem, Brown Bear. Are you nude right now?
Turk: Yeah! How'd you know?
J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude.
Turk: That's true.
Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Quote from Turk

Turk: I don't know what's gotten into you, baby, but I am turned on.
Carla: OK, baby. This might feel a little bit weird, but I promise you, you will love it.
[later:]
Turk: Honey? How could you think I wouldn't notice this on my dangle?
Carla: You were enjoying it until it started making that grinding noise.
Turk: I know we're having a hard time getting pregnant, but, sweetness, it could be you.
Carla: I already got tested.
Turk: Oh.
[later, Turk is locked in the bathroom in the fetal position:]
Carla: Turk.
Turk: I'm a man! And men can make babies.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Dr. Kelso: Perry, when I told you to treat Mrs. Cooke, I meant it. If I wanted to waste my breath, I'd have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest. She's OK. My mistress used to be a lifeguard. Now get your ass back in there.

Quote from Elliot

J.D.: [v.o.] The next morning, I braced myself for Elliot's odd brand of revenge. And there it was.
J.D.: Did you individually drain all my eggs?
Elliot: Morning! [holds bag of eggs]
J.D.: Fine. I'll just have an apple.
Elliot: Oh. Looking for this? [holds bag of apple bits]
J.D.: How did you do that?

Quote from Nurse Roberts

J.D.: [over watch] I'm having a rough morning, Brown Bear. How you doing with your sterility?
Turk: Uh, I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator.
J.D.: Not reading you, Brown Bear. I repeat. Are you still sterile?
Nurse Roberts: This is so juicy, I feel dizzy.

Quote from Elliot

Carla: Elliot, you're asking for trouble. Everybody's already talking.
Elliot: He's the best intern. I mean, he shouldn't be punished because he has to sleep with me.
Jordan: Has to?
Elliot: Gets to. He gets to sleep with me.

Quote from J.D.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself.
J.D.: Well, you're in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here are some tips. If you can't get over that you're doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger."
Turk: If I ever have kids, you are never allowed to baby-sit.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: I can't believe you're ready to have kids. We spend all day taking care of old people. Washing them. Cleaning them. Why would you want to bring that home?
Turk: J.D., we're talking about kids, not going home to a house full of old folks.
[fantasy: J.D.'s apartment is filled with old folks when he returns home:]
J.D.: All right, fellas. Two quick announcements. First of all, whoever's been filling my TiVo with JAG reruns, let's cut it out. And secondly, Harvey, no matter how drunk you get, I like to sleep alone.
Harvey: I like to snuggle.
J.D.: Well, that's your problem, buddy. I got my own thing.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: Excuse me. Are any of the reading materials in there available for us out here?

Quote from Janitor

Janitor: [over watch] Hey, J.D. This is that black surgeon that you always hang out with. Come on outside to the ramp, dawg.

Quote from J.D.

J.D.: [v.o.] My friends were all happy, and even though I felt like the fifth wheel, I could take solace in something.
J.D.: [over watch] Hey, Turk. I forgot. I can't raid the freezer with you. Be careful in there. They lock it up at three.
Janitor: [grunts] I'm gonna kill him.
J.D.: [v.o.] I had finally won one.


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