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34Quotes from ‘My Female Trouble’

Scrubs: My Female Trouble

410. My Female Trouble

Aired November 16, 2004

J.D. struggles to extricate himself from his relationship with Neena (Juliana Margulies), even though she's suing his best friend on behalf of Mr. Corman (Richard Kind). When Elliot treats a sexist patient, she pretends Dr. Elliot Reid is a guy whose orders she's following.

Quote from Turk

Woman: Hey, excuse me. My son is interested in becoming a doctor, and I thought maybe you could tell him what it's like.
Turk: I'd love to. I would love to. Do you have a dog, Bowl Cut? Well, I want you to find a pile of its best work and roll all around in it. See, that's how it feels to be a doctor. Because here's the dirty little secret. People don't want your help. They want your dignity, they want your pride, but mostly, they want your money. Good luck in med school. Oh! The next time you see a magic show, the bunny was in the hat the whole time. Peace out!
Carla: [to Dr. Cox] You are so dead.

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Quote from Janitor

Janitor: Mr. Summers, I think we can save your foot.
Elliot: It's his heart.
Janitor: I know that. We're concerned about your ticker. [Elliot hands the Janitor an EKG readout; the Janitor sprays the window clean, wiping it with the printout] Ah, yes. Yes yes. Well, your paper script looks good. But, I'm going to have to listen to that heart of yours. [spits on stethoscope] Well, I'm afraid I was wrong. We're going to have to take that foot.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Carla: Hey, Turk's kind of in a dark place right now, so stay away from him, okay? Nothing personal, you're just an awful human being.
Dr. Cox: Of course. But, uh, we kind of crossed paths already.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200Gs trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.
[present:]
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good?
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you would never do anything to ruin his innocence.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time. Right?
[present:]
Dr. Cox: People pretty much hear what they want to hear, okay?
Carla: What did you do?

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Jordan, you're on the board, what is the story on my patient Mr. Summers?
Jordan: Well, Stick, I'm going to warn you the same way I warn Perry every time I have more than three scotches. Prepare to have your ass grabbed.
Elliot: That's disturbing in, like, eight different ways.

Quote from Ted

Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: [laughs] Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks.
Neena: Ted, you ready to get started?
Ted: [covered in sweat] Whenever you're ready, Neena. [stands up] First off, I'd just like to say that these charges- [When Ted rests his sweaty palms on the table, they slide off and he slams his head on the table. He passes out and lands on the floor]
Turk: We should take a short recess.
Neena: Believe me, you're better off.
Dr. Kelso: I agree.

Quote from Dr. Kelso

Neena: Now, Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'd like to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in surgery.
Dr. Kelso: You're diabetic?
Turk: Yes, I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking.
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease. And I don't like you.

Quote from Turk

Dr. Kelso: We're settling.
Mr. Corman: [to Turk] Hey, I want you to know that I still think you're a great doctor. And I've been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumcised. It's not a religious thing, it's- It's more for the ladies.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: So how are we feeling Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest. And not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Elliot: Fantastic! I'd like to start by-
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested. Now, how about you be a nice little nurse and go find my doctor.
Elliot: Actually sir-
Mr. Summers: His name is Elliot Reid. So, what's the word? This guy any good?
Elliot: Oh, he rocks!

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: Okay, Mr. Summers. Your EKGs came back and Dr. Reid liked what he saw.
Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Elliot: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole! He also said for you to stop paying off orderlies to sneak you cheeseburgers, you big load.
Mr. Summers: Wow, he's old school. Like me. [grabs Elliot's butt]
Elliot: Hey! That belongs to Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: So you and Reid...
Elliot: We're lovers. Red hot lovers.
Mr. Summers: I'm guessing he's married.
Elliot: She doesn't understand him like I do.
Mr. Summers: I love this guy.
Elliot: Not like I do.

Quote from Janitor

Elliot: Okay, who wants to be me? Craig, you're probably still mad at me. Anyone else?
Todd: [with his hands in his shirt] Dr. Reid. At your service.
Elliot: Okay, that's a no for Todd. Isn't there anyone here that I can trust to be me?
[later:]
Janitor: Hello. I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.

Quote from Jordan

J.D.: [v.o.] And that's when I realized I would never be strong enough to break Neena's hold over me. I needed help. I needed someone who was even scarier than she was. I needed a real witch.
Jordan: [cackling] Someone must have left this here from Halloween.

Quote from Elliot

Elliot: God, Dr. Cox is going to go off on me. It's going to be worse than the time my brother Barry caught me reading his Playgirl magazines.
Jordan: Don't you mean Playboy?
Elliot: No.
Jordan: So you're saying that your brother's...
Elliot: Yes.
Jordan: Has he actually told your family that-
Elliot: No.
Jordan: But everyone's positive that he's- Do you think he and another guy have ever-
Elliot: No more questions.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Elliot: Why are you being nice to me?
Jordan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home. And he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment. Don't go backwards. Own what you did with Mr. Summers. You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.

Quote from Carla

Mr. Corman: Hey, there's no pie here. Oh my God. Oh, you two are going to kill me.
Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.
Mr. Corman: Oh, I see. This is your Hippocratic Oath? Schoolyard threats? Seriously, is there no pie?
Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Mr. Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something that you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Mr. Corman: I fear I've said too much.

Quote from Elliot

Dr. Cox: I should have known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Elliot: Look, I did what I had to do to treat this guy. And as far as me being scared about you telling him that I'm full of crap... Hey, jerkwad, I'm Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: [o.s.] What?!
Elliot: Oh, and by the way. I had a little chat with your wife. I know I'm in your head. It took me three years to move in and I am not moving out.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw.

Quote from Jordan

Jordan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy. This is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liaison into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.

Quote from Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Ah, cry me a river. You know what Gandhi's wife made me do this afternoon because I supposedly crushed his spirit?
Turk: What?
[flashback to Dr. Cox on the tennis court with Mr. Corman:]
Mr. Corman: Ever since the surgery I've been serving lefty. It's a little unpredictable, but I'm getting some good heat.
Dr. Cox: Can't wait to see it.
[Dr. Cox is catapulted into the fence as he's struck by Mr. Corman's serve]
Mr. Corman: Hit you on the fly! Fifteen-love!


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