Woman: Hey, excuse me. My son is interested in becoming a doctor, and I thought maybe you could tell him what it's like.
Turk: I'd love to. I would love to. Do you have a dog, Bowl Cut? Well, I want you to find a pile of its best work and roll all around in it. See, that's how it feels to be a doctor. Because here's the dirty little secret. People don't want your help. They want your dignity, they want your pride, but mostly, they want your money. Good luck in med school. Oh! The next time you see a magic show, the bunny was in the hat the whole time. Peace out!
Carla: [to Dr. Cox] You are so dead.

Janitor: Mr. Summers, I think we can save your foot.
Elliot: It's his heart.
Janitor: I know that. We're concerned about your ticker. [Elliot hands the Janitor an EKG readout; the Janitor sprays the window clean, wiping it with the printout] Ah, yes. Yes yes. Well, your paper script looks good. But, I'm going to have to listen to that heart of yours. [spits on stethoscope] Well, I'm afraid I was wrong. We're going to have to take that foot.

Carla: Hey, Turk's kind of in a dark place right now, so stay away from him, okay? Nothing personal, you're just an awful human being.
Dr. Cox: Of course. But, uh, we kind of crossed paths already.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi, and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200Gs trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall, and a bullseye on your back.
[present:]
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good?
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
[present:]
Dr. Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you would never do anything to ruin his innocence.
[flashback:]
Dr. Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time. Right?
[present:]
Dr. Cox: People pretty much hear what they want to hear, okay?
Carla: What did you do?

Elliot: Jordan, you're on the board, what is the story on my patient Mr. Summers?
Jordan: Well, Stick, I'm going to warn you the same way I warn Perry every time I have more than three scotches. Prepare to have your ass grabbed.
Elliot: That's disturbing in, like, eight different ways.

Neena: So should we start this deposition, or do you boys just want to hand us a big bag of money?
Mr. Corman: [laughs] Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't going to freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks.
Neena: Ted, you ready to get started?
Ted: [covered in sweat] Whenever you're ready, Neena. [stands up] First off, I'd just like to say that these charges- [When Ted rests his sweaty palms on the table, they slide off and he slams his head on the table. He passes out and lands on the floor]
Turk: We should take a short recess.
Neena: Believe me, you're better off.
Dr. Kelso: I agree.

Neena: Now, Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'd like to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in surgery.
Dr. Kelso: You're diabetic?
Turk: Yes, I told you that.
Dr. Kelso: I thought you were joking.
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease. And I don't like you.

Dr. Kelso: We're settling.
Mr. Corman: [to Turk] Hey, I want you to know that I still think you're a great doctor. And I've been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumcised. It's not a religious thing, it's- It's more for the ladies.

Elliot: So how are we feeling Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest. And not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Elliot: Fantastic! I'd like to start by-
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested. Now, how about you be a nice little nurse and go find my doctor.
Elliot: Actually sir-
Mr. Summers: His name is Elliot Reid. So, what's the word? This guy any good?
Elliot: Oh, he rocks!

Elliot: Okay, Mr. Summers. Your EKGs came back and Dr. Reid liked what he saw.
Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Elliot: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole! He also said for you to stop paying off orderlies to sneak you cheeseburgers, you big load.
Mr. Summers: Wow, he's old school. Like me. [grabs Elliot's butt]
Elliot: Hey! That belongs to Dr. Reid!
Mr. Summers: So you and Reid...
Elliot: We're lovers. Red hot lovers.
Mr. Summers: I'm guessing he's married.
Elliot: She doesn't understand him like I do.
Mr. Summers: I love this guy.
Elliot: Not like I do.

Elliot: Okay, who wants to be me? Craig, you're probably still mad at me. Anyone else?
Todd: [with his hands in his shirt] Dr. Reid. At your service.
Elliot: Okay, that's a no for Todd. Isn't there anyone here that I can trust to be me?
[later:]
Janitor: Hello. I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.