Carla: How did you have sex with the woman you're about to break up with?
J.D.: Okay, you know how the, uh, couch in the living room has those high arms?
Turk: Babe, you gotta understand, a guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me? I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet. While your mother lays there dying.
Turk: Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... 'cause I love my mom.
J.D.: Mm, and I would love her, too.
Carla: New low.

Dr. Kelso: Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, "Now that's a professional!"
Elliot: Um, I don't think I look unprofessional.
[from Elliot's P.O.V., with her bangs covering the top of the frame:]
Dr. Kelso: I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain, I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup, get a haircut, and stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it's a cliche, but sailors say that it is indeed the calm before the storm that lets you know that danger's coming. [Dr. Cox growls] Uh-oh.
Dr. Cox: First off, let me just say thank you. For the last couple of months I have been adrift in a sea of puppy dogs, lollipops, and, let's face it, mediocre metaphors. Luckily, you people were kind enough to piss all over learning a procedure that could determine whether some poor sucker lives or dies, and that reminded me of something that I wanted to remind you of. Because, you see, I am accountable. I am accountable for the continuous, crashing, undeniable amateurism that you people drag into this hospital day in and day out. And believe you me when I tell you that the next time one of you perpetual disappointments doesn't even have the common decency to try and do better at something you supposedly do, I will go ahead and toss your sorry ass out of here in about ten seconds and then I will forget you forever in the next five.

Woman: Hi, cutie! Since you have so many balls and too many toys can be over-stimulating for an infant, Brantley here was wondering if he could borrow one to play with!
Dr. Cox: Oh, that's funny, because Jack here was just wondering why the crazy lady who just spent the last hour chain smoking and talking on her cell phone while her kid ate sand would come over to two complete strangers and give them parenting advice!
Jordan: Oh, he also thanked me for not naming him "Brantley"!
Dr. Cox: Yeah. [to Jordan] I love our family.

Dr. Kelso: Now, there you go, sweetheart. Now you look more like a doctor and less like a lap-dance.
Elliot: Thank you, sir.
[Dr. Kelso slips]
Janitor: Floor's wet. You know, I liked the way blonde-haired doctor looked. She brightened my day. But you don't care, do ya? Because you're unconscious.

Dr. Cox: Morning, class. As residency director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room we have enough brain power to light up a city. Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

J.D.: Hello, citizens. Welcome to Sacred Heart. Home of the world's most giant doctor. Be not afraid. I'm just like you, except I'm giant. My tush is chafing.
Turk: All right. My turn to get on top.
J.D.: Turk, we tried playing Giant Black Guy. Remember what happened? People ran.

J.D.: This isn't the movies?
Danni: I just wanted you to see this. Because if I move here permanently, this would be the type of place we could afford.
[fantasy: J.D. floats out of his body and returns to the apartment, landing next to Turk on the couch:]
Turk: Out of body experience?
J.D.: Yeah. She wants to move in together. I have to break up with her!
Turk: Dude, relax. Enjoy the show. Have a Bugle. Ooh, your ghost hands is cold!
[reality:]
Danni: J.D.?
J.D.: I wanted to put them on my fingers and pretend I had witch nails.

Dr. Cox: Honestly, I haven't been this happy since Christmas when I was seven years old and my father showed me how to make a snow angel. Actually, he was passed out drunk in the yard but I did take his arms and his legs and move them back and forth and th-the paramedics said it was one of the finest snow angels that they'd ever seen, so maybe the fact that I am the kinder, gentler Cox is every last bit of okay. Maybe it's a a natural progression. It's not like there's any real ramifications, right?

Turk: So, did you break up with her?
J.D.: I was going to last night but then I looked in her eyes, and I realized how rare it is to meet someone who's actually willing to have sex with me.